If You’re Looking for a Nice Girl… (Reflections on a Saturday Night)

So, got the urge to go to someplace different this past Saturday night. A place where I didn’t know anyone…not even the DJ. I went to watch. It’s my favourite part of being HLBB…the watching. It’s one of the many … Continue reading

You’re just…TOO much

I’m usually ranting about when you guys don’t do enough of something. Not paying enough attention, not giving the right kiss, not telling the truth enough. Well, after some observation (and of course, asking the ladies), I realize that some of you are just too much. I watch you men when you’re interacting with the ladies…tsk tsk. You let your nerves get the best of you and then you:

Talk TOO much… From one innocuous comment she makes you start rambling. If she makes a comment about being cold, a dissertation on cold fronts and changing weather patterns is not what she’s looking for…she gets that from Al Roker.

Too much talking also includes going off at length about any of your passions too early in the interaction. What’s too early? One girl said “nice car”, and the guy talked for 10 minutes straight about the restoration job he did (“I’m not sure if he took a breath”). Oh yeah, it was the first date and he had just picked her up. We know it the nerves talking. But when you hear yourself yammering on, resist the urge to keep talking to cover up the talking. Just, pause. Ask her a question. Take a breath…

Be TOO funny… She found one joke funny. Suddenly you have an HBO special. Guys who are too funny, always on…they personally grate on my nerves. It screams “try too hard”. You see, for me, guys like that come off as insincere; c’mon son, you can’t be “on” all the time! You come off as if you don’t have any additional layers, everything is sunny on the surface. Mr. Life of the Party always makes me want to leave whatever party he’s at.

Be TOO noticeable… You talk the loudest. Laugh the loudest. Be the first with the punch line. Buy the bottles. Have on more bling than Weezy and Liberace combined. Oh, and when your song comes on, you have to stand on your table in bottle service and shout to the DJ “bruh! THIS IS MY SHIT!” I saw a guy do that once and I was convinced the next thing he was going to shout was, “KING KONG AIN’T GOT NOTHING ON ME!” If you’re trying to attract attention, you are most likely attracting the wrong kind of attention – the kind that will forever be in competition with you…and in case I wasn’t completely clear, you sir, are an attention whore.

Be TOO nice… I did an honest to gawd he said/she said post recently about the “curse of the nice guy”. You, you go out of your way to do nice things for the lady – actually…let me call you nice guys out – the LADIES. You never want to be the bad guy so you never say “no”. You know what else never happens? You never get laid. You end up in the “friend zone”…or worse, you’re nice to TOO many women and you end up pissing off the one who might very well be interested…if there is one woman that you’re interested in, focus the bulk of your niceness on HER…and be friendly to the others.

Be TOO quiet… The object of your (lustful) affection comes into the room and you clam up. I’m not asking you to become Mr. Verbose (because I already established that talking too much is well, too much), but at least say “hi” to the girl! That whole admiring her from afar thing? No, you just become the “creepy mute who stared the entire night”.

There are other attributes that ladies find to be “too” much. You could be too skinny, too chubby, too buff, too light, too dark, too smart and too dumb…what a woman finds irresistible, is a man who is good at being just right. I know, very afterschool special, but seriously? A man comfortable in his own skin is oh so sexy.

So this is what you need to do:

If you talk TOO much. I want you to take a friend (male/female/parrot even) for coffee. Let them do all the talking and hold out for as long as you can before you say anything. Repeat with another friend and try to beat your time from the last convo…repeat often.

If you talk TOO little. Find the friend that talks TOO much and have them try the aforementioned exercise.

If you are always “on”. Try social engagements that require you to focus on a performer. The opera, a play, live music even…Just not a standup comic as you will probably get the urge to heckle.

If you’re TOO nice. I’ve got one word that I want you to practice: “no”. The next time a (girl) friend calls you to do a favour? Say no. Say, “sorry, I can’t pick you up/drop you off/fix your computer/fix your car/walk your dog/pick up a pack of Tampax, I’ve got something else going on…” Then go do something. Just not for them.

If you’re TOO noticeable. Well darling, there’s nothing I can do for you. You’re a punk wearing diamonelle and an Audigier tshirt…good luck with that.