glossary (aka HLBB-speak)

3AM Girls:(I don’t know if I coined this phrase, but I was the one who put it on A girl who has lost all sense of decorum and composure in a night club or bar. Spotted dancing on bars or VIP booths, projectile vomiting in the bathroom or back alley. A 3 A.M. girl has Paris and Lindsay as their patron saints…their libation of choice is whatever they can afford or is purchased for them and they seem to develop an aversion to shoes somewhere around the 3 a.m. hour.

Arrangement: My way of saying “friend with benefits”. i.e. “I have an ‘arrangement’”

Babysitting: Dating a man younger than you by 5 years or more

BBFF or Boy Best Friend Forever: I have a female best friend who knows where all the bodies are buried and sometimes, she can finish my sentences. My BBFF is my chief tormentor, confidante, sidekick, wingman, knows the whole effing world and if I needed to be bailed out at 4 in the morning, I’d call him before my mother.

Butterfinger: A guy who is only oooookay in bed. Most women would love to have Godiva grade sex all the time, but sometimes… a Butterfinger will do.

C&C Day or Cupcake and Cunnilingus Day: Celebrated on March 20th… buy her a cupcake, go down on her. For more than 15 minutes…spend some time down there and have fun with it.

Coochie: My preferred term for vagina.

Cougar: a woman over 40 who regularly dates younger men (i.e. “babysits”)

Crazy Beautiful: a woman who does all sorts of egregious things, but you put up with her because she’s so beautiful. She is the female version of the “bad boy”.

CXG or The “Crazy” Ex- Girlfriend: You keep her number in your phone so that you can avoid her calls. When you were together, your relationship was nothing but stress and drama – with some good sex thrown in, because we all know that the crazier she is, the better the sex is.

Dating 2.0: Online dating or using social media to enhance your real life dating experiences.

Diamond Digger: NOT a gold digger with more expensive tastes. A Diamond Digger is a girl who wants to be married within a year. NOT after a year, but within a year of meeting you.

DSS or Dirty Sexy Swagger: This is a man with serious swagger. He doesn’t pursue without purpose. He’s not a predator looking for fresh meat; he’s looking for something that will hold his interest – even if it’s just for one night. He loves women, but he makes no promises of forever. However, he has never had a bad breakup, because each woman is happy to say she had a crack at him. (Think: George Clooney)

Fuckwit: a fucking idiot, usually for me the highest level of disdain I have for a person.

FWB or the Friend with Benefits: You two have an arrangement and that’s all there is between the two of you. But, on occasion you’ve been known to give her a call to just hang out, and sometimes, that hanging out feels more like a date. It’s a nice feeling, so now you call her up if you’re bored and want to go see Avatar, and maybe you’ll get some after…

FWO or the Friend WITHOUT Benefits: She’s truly a good friend – to you. You’ve never shared any benefits, and she’s just chill, y’know? A really good friend and hey, it’s platonic; no sexual attraction. She’s like a sister to you. But you’ve got your best boy, your boss and your mother asking whether she’s (not so secretly) in love with you. Especially since she does almost all the things a girlfriend would, except have sex with you.

Hot n’ Cold: that routine that guys have where they play very interested and then fall off suddenly. THEN come back all hot for you again…it’s annoying. You know what happens when you run hot and cold? You become lukewarm.

Ice Queens: Shy girls who come off as bitches.

Jumpoff: a girl who is available any time, any place for sex.

Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang: My euphemism for a sexual encounter of the non relationship kind and the name of a series of posts about coital etiquette.

MamaHLBB: My mother. Sigh. If you follow me on Twitter, you’ll see that she constantly points out my single status, my childlessness, my grey hairs (ahem, silver highlights thank you very much), my workaholic ways (which is why I’m single and childless thank you) and my general un-ladylike behaviour. We don’t have anything in common…except that we agree Clive Owen is one hot muthafucka.

Ménage à trois: If you can’t spell it, pronounce it properly or go with out googling the meaning, don’t ask for it.

Play Date: Dating a girl younger than you by 5 years or more… i.e. “so how was your play date?”

Pussy Predators: Guys who believe there is success in numbers. Will try to pull as many girls in a club.

Rear View Mirror Moment: when you see your ex after a long time and she looks…better. As you part ways, you look back one more time…as if you were looking in a rear-view mirror.

RROI or Relationship Return on Investment: A performance measure used to evaluate the worth of your investment in your relationship. In short, are you giving more effort than you’re receiving?

The Sex Camel: (via But I Love Me More) A woman (usually), who can go for long periods without sex in the same manner that a camel can go for long periods without water.

Sexual dumping ground: how you treat a jump-off.

The Gimp: The guy who uses the “awww shucks” approach to girls. The “you’re way too pretty/smart/successful” for me to approach, but I’m gonna give it a shot.” They handicap themselves before they even get to the name.

The SF or The Swim Fan: She’s kinda like the FWO, except she’s not a friend. She’s someone you work with, or maybe you know them through a friend. But after a few choice encounters, this chick knows your favourite colours, positions (even though she hasn’t had the pleasure), sports team and possibly even knows that you have a CXG.

The Throwback Girl: A girl who embraces the “traditional” roles in a relationship and would happily be a stay at home wife and mother if given the opportunity.

Thirsty: a girl who wants sex. Also known as “having blue ovaries”

TNO or The New One: You just met her and you think there could be something there…

TOGA or The One that Got Away: Oooh… her number is hard to scroll by, yeah? You realized after it ended that there could’ve been something there, but it got fucked up. You have in the past drunk texted/called her and she didn’t respond.

Twife: my Twitter Wife ( online we have a lovingly dysfunctional relationship. In real life, we have the other’s back in a fight.

Uptown Girl: A girl who won’t give head or refuses to do it to anyone that she isn’t married to.

Waxing: Women are waxed based on the limits of a bikini. Hence the name “bikini wax”. Basically, any hair that is visible beyond the borders is considered excess and is removed by applying hot wax to the area and ripping the hair out by the root. A “French Bikini” removes even more hair and essentially leaves a woman with that “landing strip” look. The ultimate is the Brazilian (a.k.a “the Sphynx” or “the Hollywood”), which is the removal of all hair.

Waxing (definition 2): Sex. As in “I waxed that ass”

Winter Wifey: the girl you hook up with just before it gets cold. You develop an arrangement, which then becomes a quasi relationship. You then realize just as the first leaves return to the trees that you better get out of this relationship so you can fuck around freely in the summer.


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