The 12 Women You Meet in Life: The Demi Cougar

“Cougar.”

Instantly, images of an older, hyper-sexed woman, who dresses “younger” and “preys” on younger men comes to mind. It’s not always something that women want to be associated with. Social conditioning has unfortunately led many guys to think that once you hit your 30s you HAVE to be married, with kids, and a house in the suburbs. For some women, this makes dating in their 30s difficult. Because even though women aren’t rushing it, men worry that they are.

Many of my 30-something male friends date women in their 20s without hesitation, telling me it’s because there’s none of this “pressure”. So, women in their 30s (my female friends included) either date 30-something commitment-phobic men, men in 40s, or have a lot of girl’s nights out.

These women are single (sometimes divorced). Their careers are in place. They may or may not have kids. They’re not looking to get (re)married any time soon. They just want to enjoy the fun of dating without any confusion, drama, or speculation. While they would love to enjoy dating their peers, it’s just not happening.

This has all led to a new strain of cougarism…

Introducing one of the 12 Women You’ll Meet in Life:

The Demi Cougar…

For my non French-speaking friends, “demi” translates into English as “half” and that’s exactly what the Demi Cougar is; she’s halfway there. She’s not preying on these younger guys; they’re coming to her.

It kinda happens like this: one day, a guy in his 20s hits on her. Not 29 to her 30, no no. This guy is 23 and she’s 38. She’s flattered. She’s shocked. “Don’t you know how old I am?” is usually her response. She demurs. She tells him he’s too young. That she’s looking for different things. He responds that he’s just looking for a phone number. No pressure. That he’s looking to go for coffee; to just be “friends”. To learn a thing or two from a woman that he finds attractive.

She takes (gives) the number thinking “that was a nice ego boost”. But then, the youngin’ calls…he asks (and takes) her out. He continues to call…continues to flatter… and continues in his pursuit. Eventually, he *ahem* comes over and when he leaves she thinks:

Dang. I could get used to this…

So she does. She may have been resistant to the idea before, but realizing the joys and benefits that come with the youngin’, she thinks, “why not? No pressure…” She’s enjoying the ease of her encounters…there are no awkward morning after’s (since she likely kicked him out the night before) and there are no “status” conversations. It’s all so easy; it’s in direct contrast to the dealings she has with older men. In time, she extols the virtues of younger men to her girlfriends and recommends that they also try it.

The Demi Cougar enjoys the authority she’s experiencing over her romantic life and in some cases, the authority over the young man (men) in question. With her peers, she worries she’ll get a side eye (or, has received one) in the bedroom for trying a new move, the youngin’ praises her skills without judgment, because hey, she has a few more years experience on him.

Why are you attracted to her?

If you’re in your 30s, chances are you’ve met a Demi Cougar, but you wouldn’t recognize her. If you’re in your 20s, you’ve met her, and in true Barney Stinson fashion have said, “Challenge. Accepted!” The youngins are attracted to the Demi Cougar’s aura of confidence. The insecurities that come from trying to figure out life in her 20s has diminished or disappeared completely, and he finds it refreshing. Here’s a woman he can have a lot of fun with and will not likely take him (or their arrangement) too seriously  (it doesn’t hurt that she may look younger than her 38 years).  It’s a win-win for him.

Does it leave the bedroom?

Yes. Yes it can.  Don’t be looking to meet her family any time soon though…

Would you marry her?

Marry?  Uhm…no. Why would you do that? This is why it’s called a win-win. Learn from her, enjoy her company, enjoy the sex (there will be lots of it), and take notes. Make yourself a better man for it, so that when you do hit YOUR 30s, you’ll be ready for things like marriage. I mean, you could…but…nah. Not really.  She’s not looking for marriage at this point either.

Famous Demi Cougars

Demi Moore is NOT a Demi Cougar (yes, I did name this post for the double entendre). The age difference is usually more than 2, but less than 10. Think Vivica with 50-Cent…Halle with Gabriel…Courtney Cox with David Arquette…

You’re a Good Kid, Charlie Brown (But just too young for me)

For those guys who are trying to bag a cougar…a bit of advice.

Today’s tale is about Charlie Brown. That’s his alias, because well, he kinda looks like him. I met Charlie Brown through a group of friends; he works within the organization that they work in and since one of my friends is his boss, it was inevitable that we would meet. At parties, we’d all chill, talk about all sorts of stuff and hang out. One day last year, Charlie Brown asks for my number because he wants to pick my brain about something. He never calls. Me? Not bothered in the least because I didn’t feel like he was trying to hit on me…but then again, I couldn’t tell. Charlie Brown wasn’t born in North America, English is not his first language and sometimes, I find it hard to understand him.

A year goes by…The friends throw another party, Charlie stops by and I find out that he’s recently been to Jamaica for a vacation, courtesy of my friend’s dad, who hosted him while he was there. My friend’s dad jokes that on his next visit Charlie should bring me.

Me: Pops… when you’re a young single man, you don’t bring sand to the beach.

Pops: Oh, I think Charlie would like it.

Charlie: *shrugs*

Me: C’mon! Guys Charlie’s age – (to Charlie) how old are you anyways?

Charlie: 24

Pops: not yet, he’s 23

Good grief!

Now, I had gathered that he was younger than me, but a whole bloody decade?! AND, in that circle of friends, he’s at least decade younger than everyone. Well, since that party 2 weeks ago Charlie’s been using the number he didn’t use last year, and showing up places that I’m at. In fact, tonight, I was headed to a friend’s place on the other side of the city and he was just rollerblading by!

Yes, now he’s everywhere I don’t want him to be. FML.

Charlie once told me that he has heard women in their 30s complain that the men in their 30s (and beyond) are too busy working to focus on their relationships, their families, or even “casual interferences” (which I thought was a cute euphemism at the time). There could be an argument for that, but that’s not why I’m writing. I’m in my 30s… I’m not a Cougar. There is a reason Cougars (those 40 and up) date 20 year olds and 30 year olds don’t.

My girls who are in their 30s and still single are busy. They’re gone from working at their job towards building their career. They’re buying homes. They’re thinking about children and NO, not because biological clocks are ticking or anything…but there are things you want to have done by a certain time in your life, so that later on, you can slow it down a bit. Yes, we want to have “casual interferences”, and sometimes we slug it out with the men our age (or older) in hopes of taking the “casual” to a “relationship”. But this is why the Cougar comes into existence. She was so busy experiencing, building and (sometimes) restarting her life, that one day she sat down and figured out the Cougar formula:

The Cougar Formula

“ME”

+ Lessons learned in my 20s

+ Status and security gained in my 30s

– Kids who are (almost ready to leave home)

– Husband/significant other

+ A body at its peak (in all ways)

+ Time to think about ME again

= RECESS!

Look at everyone’s favourite Cougar: Demi. She was married, had her 3 babies divorced, reached top levels of her career and could slow it down a bit by the time she hit her 40s. Or, how about Kim Cattrall? Both on screen and in real life, she headed out to frosh week to get her latest man. Had they met these guys when they were in their 30s, those boys wouldn’t have stood a chance. Never mind the fact that these guys were still in HIGH SCHOOL back then, no guy in his 20s would’ve stood a chance with them, okay?

Before you point it out…

I KNOW that a lot of it does have to do with maturity levels and stage of life, but:

  • When your pants are hanging so low that I feel compelled to tell you to pull them up…
  • When “old skool” means the “New Jack Swing” or “Grunge”…
  • When you’ve only seen the Cosby show in reruns…
  • If you think a skateboard is an acceptable way to commute to work…
  • When you don’t have OACs, because you no longer had to take them…
  • When you think it’s cool that I have a “real job” with lots of responsibilities…
  • When you don’t know that “AC Slater” is the guy hosting America’s Next Dance Crew…
  • When going out at night involves pictures going up on Facebook the next day…
  • When you wonder why I’m going to “another” friend’s wedding or baby shower…

and/or

  • When I can remember what I was doing the year you were born

Then sweetie, you’re too young for me.

I will figure out a way to let Charlie Brown know (nicely) that he’s too young for me. Right now, he’s being persistent…if he’s gets pushy, I’m gonna have to push back. I’m rejecting him not simply because of chronology, but because we are at different stages of our lives…he’s experiencing and I’m building. I don’t feel like being his experience, I don’t feel like teaching a young pup new tricks, and I don’t feel like babysitting.

At the end of the day…I want to play with someone (closer to) my own age…

If anyone knows how I can let Charlie Brown down, nicely please, leave a comment here, or hit me up on twitter – suggestions are very welcome right now! All I’ve been doing is avoiding the calls and if he does catch me, I’ve been playing the “busy card”. For instance, he wanted to go for a drink tonight, I said I was busy (always true), and then he saw me heading to my friend’s place… I did not elaborate on the purpose of my visit (which was to eat food and watch UFC fights while planning another HLBB shoot)… I think he drew his own conclusion…

I’ll keep you posted…

UPDATE #1 – July 15/09 – my point proven – Kim Cattrall just split up with her younger man

The “friend” quoted says – “They realized that they were at different points in their lives. They still care about each other and will remain friends.”

Mmm hmm…