I’ve been hearing and reading a lot about this new dating app called Tinder. I’m calling it the Candy Crush of online dating, Tinder is often compared to the app Grindr; which was created for gay men…Tinder has been called … Continue reading
A while back I started writing about Dating 2.0… I had all these plans to write how to date in the digital age. How Facebook is not eHarmony… blah blah blah. I pulled it…because it was wayyyyy too depressing. The stories I heard and even worse… the experiences I had since I had signed up for accounts and made myself the guinea pig.
Which was a very bad idea.
Like a resume, your online profile needs to be spell checked by another person. Too embarrassed to have anyone know you’re dating online (and really you shouldn’t…stats show 1 in 8 now meet online)?
Well, then send $9.99 via email transfer to email@example.com and I will gladly pimp your profile for you.
CONVERSATE IS NOT A WORD!!! Gaaaaaah
Today I asked the Ladies of Twitter for examples of a good pick up line. This is what I got:
Turns out, we can’t remember the good ones. The bad ones are funnier.
Darling boys, I’ve been struggling with this question for a day and a half now. I’ve asked friends, co-workers, people online…I even just asked the woman sitting next to me in the restaurant I’m writing this post in. I almost gave up until she said something that set off the light bulb for me:
“Maybe…because…there are no good pick up lines?”
Profound in it’s utter simplicity because it’s true and also because you guys insist on using them. All these bad pick up lines are trees in the proverbial forest…
GUYS: Pickup lines do not work.
We want to talk to you, but if the first thing that comes out of your mouth is a pickup line, then we write you off as an idiot. I’m trying to calculate how many guys I’ve written off because of this. I’m probably single right now because Mr. Right was dumb enough to use a line or a calculated approach. If you follow my personal Twitter feed, then you know I get a LOT of bad lines thrown at me.
Where is it written in the man manual that lines or calculated approaches work? We see these for what they are…and you know what? It’s not YOU, and it’s not THEM – it’s THIS! So… how do you approach women without appearing like you are approaching them? What pitfalls do you need to avoid? I’m going to do a little something different today. I’m going to post examples of regularly used approaches and also ask women to vote on them.
Guys: try to refrain from voting to skew the votes in your favour – I’m trying to help you out here!
You: approach a girl in a bar/club/event and say: “So, are you having a good time?”
Pfffft. Please retire this. It’s a very bad conversation starter because it’s not really an opened-ended question (yes, I’m using PUA-speak…ha). Chances are you’ve heard “yes” and…that was the end of that.
This sucks because it’s not engaging behaviour. I was once out with my BBFF, and he saw a group of girls taking photos of themselves on their night out. He went up and offered to take the photo so that they could all be in it. Now yes, there was one girl in the group he particularly liked and yes, they were grateful for the offer and yes, he got to talk to the object of his affection.
Now, if it was a moment in time, and it had gone no further than the flash going off…he would’ve been okay with that. We women can sense genuine effort versus a calculated move. Notice that he didn’t try to photobomb (which I see a lot of you guys doing) he just took the picture. Don’t you like it when people are helpful?
You: reach for a girl as she walks past you because you just have to talk to her.
WHY THE FUCK DO YOU DO THIS?!? I keep wanting to do this to guys when I’m out, but I’m afraid that I would a: look like a psycho and b: inadvertently encourage and validate this punk ass move
The woman who set the light bulb off for me at the beginning of this post and I got to talking and she’s studying touch right now in school. She says that the majority of us severely underestimate the significance and power of touch.
I told her the story of how one guy effectively picked me up by ever so lightly touching my hand to ask me a question and then not touching me again for the next two hours. She pointed out that I remember this as a “good” pickup because of the nature of his touch; it was non-invasive, gentle and respectful of my space…all of which drew me in to what he had to say.
(see what he did there?)
You: are on an online dating site (or, let’s face it, Twitter/Facebook/etc…) and spot an attractive female. You read her profile/spot her pic and you want to get to know her better. So you say, “hi”.
I dare you unimaginative ass to walk up to a female in real life, stand in front of her and just say “hi”. Go…tell me how well that works out for you.
You will look like an idiot.
What’s beautiful about social media and dating sites is that they enable you to say things you normally would stumble over in real life. Y’know, you can actually get away with (respectfully) commenting on a her looks because all you have is her avatar to comment on. You can start a conversation about the favourite TV show the two you have in common because she’s volunteered that information in her profile. But all you say is “hi”.
Guess what? It’s extremely arrogant of you to think that she’s going to take a look at your profile pic/avatar and think “THIS IS THE MAN OF MY DIGITAL DREAMS!” You really just said “hi”? That’s it? Are you being serious right now? If you don’t know what to say to her online…then don’t type anything until you think of something to say. If I find out that any of you who have read this post today turn around tomorrow and type just those two letters, I’m going to hunt you down, and take a sledgehammer to all your digital devices.
Okay darling boys, I really tried to make this a “what to do” as opposed to a “what not to do” type post. But basically, your words have no actions. Stop trying to pick us up and just engage us…I don’t me try to engage us. I mean really, engage us.
Okay, so technology has opened up a whole new way to communicate, especially online. With my iPhone, BlackBerry, laptop, netbook, desktop and work desktop, I can be connected at any given time, 24 hours a day (ugh). What I also learned is that just because we have more ways to communicate, it doesn’t make us any better at it.
Online. Dating. I had a couple of girlfriends convince me to try it. I protested, because a: I’m busy and b: tried it a few years ago and it was just baaaaaad. So, while one of my girls sat beside me on my couch and practically typed in the URL for me, I joined a site.
Oh dear gawd, you men need help.
Granted, site A was known for its creepers and stalkers…so as I told this story of the creepers and stalkers to Girlfriend #2, she convinced me to try the site she was on, because those guys “try to impress you with their book and movie smarts …” My first three inquiries were guess a guy’s penis size, a threesome request and a request to be the “dominant” one in the bedroom (yes, he meant whips and chains)…
Oh dear gawd, you men need help.
So while my foray into online dating was a complete and utter disaster, my girl Maxfab pointed out that this would be great fodder for the blog! But how? Of course…POINT OUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING WRONG!
So begins the series this week: Dating 2.0
Let’s start with some of the basics. It’s seems there are three ways to engage online. There’s:
“Premium”: Like eHarmony.com and LavaLife.com, where you pay for the privilege to engage with someone online. Apparently they weed out those who aren’t serious or those who aren’t relationship material. I should know; eHarmony rejected my ass. (insert evil giggle here…)
“Freemium”: This would be your plentyoffish.com and okcupid.com. Sites that are like eHarmony, but free. These sites tend to attract those who are serious, not so serious and well, freaks. There are some “upgrade” options for these sites, but you can meet and do whatever it is you crazy kids do without having to pay for an upgrade. While these sites are essentially are free, you have to put in quite a bit of effort to keep your profile going.
“Bottom Feeding”: This is what I’ve decided to call those who use networking or social media sites as meat markets. These guys creep the “friends” lists of their friends, and hit up women (it’s happened to us all) using various “did he really just do that?” tactics that make us women activate all the privacy settings we can. By the way, have you heard the one about the guy who asked out a girl via LinkedIN? Ewww
The “Premium” and “Freemium” sites are somewhat similar. You need to sign up and create a profile before proceeding. With eHarmony, you have to answer a quiz equivalent to the profiling quiz at Quantico in order to get an account set up and the other ones are a little less intensive…
Based on some of the profiles I’ve seen…again, oh dear gawd.
Some rules that should be posted on Premium and Freemium dating sites:
1- use a REAL photo. None of us really expect to find Larenz Tate online looking for love. So when your profile says you’re from Rexdale and have his picture? We’re passing your profile around for laughs.
2- DO NOT USE THE CELL PHONE SELF PORTRAIT. You never have your picture taken at parties? Not one pic from the family reunion? I mean, is it really necessary to have a picture of you in your (dirty) bathroom with your shirt off in your track pants? Ick. As for the one who had only half his damned head in cornrows…
3- If you must do the self portrait…put a little effort into your looks. My gawd, half done cornrows? Who told you this was hot?
4- Embellish a little sure, but do not blatantly LIE about your job, weight etc. I know NO ONE tells the truth online, but for the guy who had under job description I’M A KING? Like “Larenz Tate” in rule #1, we ain’t buying it. Oh and when the question is “do you have children?” and you answer, “prefer not to say”, we think “deadbeat dad”. For those who are using the Freemium sites just to have sex, but your profile states “looking for a relationship”…please open up a Craigslist account. Thanks.
5- Spell-mothafucking-check your profiles. Words I saw over and over again were, “definately”; “alot”; “consious”; “indepandant”. Are you serious? You couldn’t type your profile up in Word to make sure these words were correct? I typed up this blog post in Word and it autocorrected every single one of those words…
But the thing that killed me, just had me falling over with laughter every time were the profile names! “1thickrod”? “Spaniardstallion”? “baby69er”? Are you guys for real?
I wanted to post some pics of the guys I’ve “encountered” so far, but I think it violates some sort of privacy agreement. But just take my word for it, the dude who was wearing the straw cowboy had, red wellington boots, plaid shorts and wife beater will not be getting a response from me.
These are some basics, the next post will be the do’s and dont’s for the “bottom feeders” out there…here’s a hint: there are no “do’s”