I’ve been hearing and reading a lot about this new dating app called Tinder. I’m calling it the Candy Crush of online dating, Tinder is often compared to the app Grindr; which was created for gay men…Tinder has been called … Continue reading
Y’know, when you type “why is dating…” into a Google search, the auto-complete’s top return is “…so hard”. Not surprised. There are all these hidden rules it seems. Steps you have to take to get from one stage to the … Continue reading
Okay, so technology has opened up a whole new way to communicate, especially online. With my iPhone, BlackBerry, laptop, netbook, desktop and work desktop, I can be connected at any given time, 24 hours a day (ugh). What I also learned is that just because we have more ways to communicate, it doesn’t make us any better at it.
Online. Dating. I had a couple of girlfriends convince me to try it. I protested, because a: I’m busy and b: tried it a few years ago and it was just baaaaaad. So, while one of my girls sat beside me on my couch and practically typed in the URL for me, I joined a site.
Oh dear gawd, you men need help.
Granted, site A was known for its creepers and stalkers…so as I told this story of the creepers and stalkers to Girlfriend #2, she convinced me to try the site she was on, because those guys “try to impress you with their book and movie smarts …” My first three inquiries were guess a guy’s penis size, a threesome request and a request to be the “dominant” one in the bedroom (yes, he meant whips and chains)…
Oh dear gawd, you men need help.
So while my foray into online dating was a complete and utter disaster, my girl Maxfab pointed out that this would be great fodder for the blog! But how? Of course…POINT OUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING WRONG!
So begins the series this week: Dating 2.0
Let’s start with some of the basics. It’s seems there are three ways to engage online. There’s:
“Premium”: Like eHarmony.com and LavaLife.com, where you pay for the privilege to engage with someone online. Apparently they weed out those who aren’t serious or those who aren’t relationship material. I should know; eHarmony rejected my ass. (insert evil giggle here…)
“Freemium”: This would be your plentyoffish.com and okcupid.com. Sites that are like eHarmony, but free. These sites tend to attract those who are serious, not so serious and well, freaks. There are some “upgrade” options for these sites, but you can meet and do whatever it is you crazy kids do without having to pay for an upgrade. While these sites are essentially are free, you have to put in quite a bit of effort to keep your profile going.
“Bottom Feeding”: This is what I’ve decided to call those who use networking or social media sites as meat markets. These guys creep the “friends” lists of their friends, and hit up women (it’s happened to us all) using various “did he really just do that?” tactics that make us women activate all the privacy settings we can. By the way, have you heard the one about the guy who asked out a girl via LinkedIN? Ewww
The “Premium” and “Freemium” sites are somewhat similar. You need to sign up and create a profile before proceeding. With eHarmony, you have to answer a quiz equivalent to the profiling quiz at Quantico in order to get an account set up and the other ones are a little less intensive…
Based on some of the profiles I’ve seen…again, oh dear gawd.
Some rules that should be posted on Premium and Freemium dating sites:
1- use a REAL photo. None of us really expect to find Larenz Tate online looking for love. So when your profile says you’re from Rexdale and have his picture? We’re passing your profile around for laughs.
2- DO NOT USE THE CELL PHONE SELF PORTRAIT. You never have your picture taken at parties? Not one pic from the family reunion? I mean, is it really necessary to have a picture of you in your (dirty) bathroom with your shirt off in your track pants? Ick. As for the one who had only half his damned head in cornrows…
3- If you must do the self portrait…put a little effort into your looks. My gawd, half done cornrows? Who told you this was hot?
4- Embellish a little sure, but do not blatantly LIE about your job, weight etc. I know NO ONE tells the truth online, but for the guy who had under job description I’M A KING? Like “Larenz Tate” in rule #1, we ain’t buying it. Oh and when the question is “do you have children?” and you answer, “prefer not to say”, we think “deadbeat dad”. For those who are using the Freemium sites just to have sex, but your profile states “looking for a relationship”…please open up a Craigslist account. Thanks.
5- Spell-mothafucking-check your profiles. Words I saw over and over again were, “definately”; “alot”; “consious”; “indepandant”. Are you serious? You couldn’t type your profile up in Word to make sure these words were correct? I typed up this blog post in Word and it autocorrected every single one of those words…
But the thing that killed me, just had me falling over with laughter every time were the profile names! “1thickrod”? “Spaniardstallion”? “baby69er”? Are you guys for real?
I wanted to post some pics of the guys I’ve “encountered” so far, but I think it violates some sort of privacy agreement. But just take my word for it, the dude who was wearing the straw cowboy had, red wellington boots, plaid shorts and wife beater will not be getting a response from me.
These are some basics, the next post will be the do’s and dont’s for the “bottom feeders” out there…here’s a hint: there are no “do’s”
I’m on this HR theme lately with my posts… Today, I want to talk about your references.
One of my favourite quotes is: Tell me what company you keep and I’ll tell you what you are…” That, my darling boys, is something you all need to take into consideration. I’m not just talking about your circle of friends; I’m also talking about your past kicking your future in the ass.
Blame social media. 10 years ago you could get away with shit, and although we used to say “it’s a small world”, the fact is the world is even smaller because of that “people you have in common” link. You can be as stealth as you want, but someone is going to find out about you somehow. Once she gets past the basics, what is she going to use to find out about you?
Reference #1 – the man dem…
I freely admit that I take a good long look at his friends when deciding about a man. Why? Because I know how important they are to you; and they also give me some interesting insight. I knew a boy (many years ago) who had a crew of friends I’ll call the 5 Dwarfs:
Sleepy – always stoned…
Pimpy – life’s goal: to chase the cat…
Dummy – I asked him once if they even let him on the short bus…
Misogyny – who once told me the best way to make a relationship last with his boy, was to talk less and cook more (the previous girl didn’t)
Honey – not the actual boy, but the ONE friend of his that I actually liked… so I always called him “honey”…
I would wonder: which one is he REALLY like? Women wonder what you’re like when we’re not around, and we figure that the man dem is a great reflection of that. You want her to have a good reference point, so make sure you introduce her to the friends that she would want to hang out with. This is also why your wingman should be someone who makes you look good, but not just by looking bad himself. Your wingman should actually make her like him too, but because he’s your wingman he’ll be steady influencing her to choose you (no cockblocking). A good wingman knows how to do this…a bad wingman says a bunch of stupid shit, or worse yet, says nothing at all.
Reference #2 – the women dem
Oh, I bet you’re thinking about your exes, right? WRONG. I’m talking about the women who you either: hit it once and never called again; slept with a few times and never called again; slept with for a bit but things ended with a fizzle; or tried to sleep with but it never happened. Just because that girl is out of sight, doesn’t mean that you’re out of mind, okay?
This world can be especially small, and a reasonable woman is not going (well shouldn’t) get upset about the women who were in your bed (your kitchen, your backseat, the bathroom at the club…) before her.
Me: so dude…blah blah blah… but he seemed like a player so…
Her: oh yeah…I know him.
Me: really? How?
Me: ooooh! (laughs) Yeah, for some reason, I couldn’t go there
Her: you didn’t miss much.
I’ve had this conversation quite a few times and for those few of you who still think that women don’t go in when talking about your skills in the sack (or lack thereof)…think again. Always make sure you get good references because you never know who she’s going to know. Don’t believe me? Watch the first 1:20 of this clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NpPvbPex860
p.s. in case you didn’t catch it earlier, you should be doing the follow up call after you hit it.
Reference #3 – the family unit
How does that saying go? You don’t marry a man, you marry his family? Yeah, that’s why I’m not married.
But seriously, we are going to look at your family (as if you don’t do the same thing). How you treat your mother is the easy part, but it’s more about how does your dad, your brother, or your sister treat your momma…because that’s where the fine print is.
Family doesn’t always mean blood either. My family unit includes brothers from other mothers, sisterfriends, surrogate dads and back up moms. My blood relatives are dysfunctional at their best, so I don’t look for their approval. BUT if you meet my “family”, it means I like you. If you meet my best friend, you’re golden. The “fam” is important because they know me best and well, my best friend knows where all the bodies are buried…
Which is why we look at the family units – we wanna see where your bodies are buried. They know about the exes, the embarrassing moments, hell any arrests or convictions. They know your faults, your accomplishments and furthermore, they will tell us about them. When bringing her to meet the blood family – you know to be on your best behaviour, but when you’re with your “fam” we see you in your truest light, because your guard will be down. Now, don’t go putting your guard up because I’m telling you this, because this is the best reference you could possibly have. It works in the reverse as well: if the fam doesn’t like her, you have to stop for a moment and wonder why…they have no reason to be jealous, no ulterior motive…they just want to see you happy. So, if they’re not liking her, or if they see you change your behaviour in front of her, they’ll flag it (as they should).
Of the three types of references, which one has the most influence? It’s hard to say, but I would say personally, it’s the family unit. The man and the women dem can be taken with a grain of salt, but the family? Like I said, that’s you in your truest light and the one you CAN’T control. NO, you can’t…shut up…go ahead…try.
We want to learn about the real you, not the on your best behaviour you, not the Mr. Perfect you…the you that we’ll eventually see once the probationary period is up. So make sure your wingman is on point, that the women dem are raving about you in bathrooms and that the fam knows that whatever they do, they shouldn’t talk about that “thing” that happened that “one time”…