Pssst…have you listened to Part A yet? The shenanigans continue in the second hour of our Tinder Party… “I just want people listening know we are actually headed straight to church after this…” “Did you hit ‘like’?” “No” “Can I??” … Continue reading
In 2004 there was a movie called the “Girl Next Door”. The movie’s plot focused on a young man who falls for his new neighbour, and is shocked to find out from a friend that she is in fact, an … Continue reading
Sigh. You, bottom feeder…yes you. The one who uses Facebook as your hunting ground. This is not cool.
I know what happens, you missed a party that your boy was at and you see that new pics were posted to Facebook. So you take a look at the gallery…
There she is. Tagged with a bunch of other girls in a pic. The most gorgeous woman you have seen this week. So you click on the link and her profile is one of the few out there that is still open.
“Add as Friend”
Before you click that link. Stop.
This is not eHarmony.
I see the similarities. You sign up for an account, there’s pictures, you share interests, both use blue and white colour schemes…why wouldn’t it work out?
Because. This is not eHarmony.
eHarmony is dating site…it’s for people who are serious about finding a relationship. It has a unique algorithm… c’mon son! It’s in the commercials! Guess what? There are no commercials for Facebook….there is no algorithm…these women aren’t looking for your bottom feeding ass when they log on to Facebook…they are looking for friends from elementary school to see who got married.
Let me bring it into real life for you.
Say your friend tells you about girl he met at a party and shows you a cell phone pic. She’s effing hot…sooooo, you find out where she lives, show up on her doorstep and say “hi! Let’s be friends!” Oh, wait, you wouldn’t do that? THEN WHY ARE YOU DOING IT ONLINE?! It’s one thing to meet the girl in real life and then look her up and connect on Facebook – social media is the new phone number – but just randomly hitting women up?
You’re bottom feeding. Stop it.
It is NOT like introducing yourself to someone you spot across the room at a party. It’s not like stopping a pretty girl on the street. It is LIKE you showing up on her damn doorstep asking to be friends.
Okay, so fine…I’ll give you this: what if you see her and you’re convinced that this woman is the woman of your wet dreams? That this is the woman you want to marry (and by “marry” I mean “wife for the winter”)?
Then you ask her friend to set up an introduction. You know, the one that just happens to be YOUR friend. Yeah. It’s just like in real life…you contact your mutual friend and say, “dude, I need to be introduced to this girl!” That way he can also let you know if it’s feasible. She may have a boyfriend…she may have a girlfriend…your boy may have already hit that…she may be batshit crazy and the only reason your boy took a pic with her so was that she wouldn’t follow him home.
Think before you click. Contact your boy and stop being a damn bottom feeder.
Somewhere (right now), there is a woman out there running a background check on you. Yes, my darling boys, at one point or another you have been Google’d.
I recently read an article advising people that potential employers will take to the web as part of an unofficial “reference check”; using Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn profiles to get a more complete picture of you. Why? Because they’re going to be less inclined to employ the person with a Facebook stream that belongs in the hangover hall of fame.
Guess what? Women do this too.
I’ll admit, I have Google’d a man or two, and some of my girlfriends have asked me to do it for them, so that could say with a clear conscience that they’ve never done it. But it’s being done…
Now, I want you to do it.
Seriously. Open another browser window.
What’s the first thing you see? Is it you? Is it the dude with the same name as you? Whatever you’re seeing, she’s seeing. For example, I’ll use the last time I Google’d a man (funny enough I was teaching someone how) to show you what she is seeing…
She searches for: Object of affection’s name + city + occupation (yes, that’s why we ask where you work).
Results: 132,000 hits about random shit; 20 hits about you; 2 that are strong leads. (Follows the two leads…)
Lead number 1: Your LinkedIn profile. She sees that in the last 4 years you’ve had 6 different positions. (She wonders if you have commitment issues…)
Lead number 2: A random news article from 3 years ago that has your comments about the topic. She reads to see if she agrees with your viewpoint. She does. (Point for you!)
Face-stalking: you add her as a friend on Facebook. Perfect…she’s, gone through your profile: what you do on the weekend, what your friends look like, and especially your photos. She’s creeped your wall posts, checked to see what you’re a fan of, and she’s checking to see what others are saying about you. Back to photos: that one girl who appears in a lot of them? She’s checked that profile too. (Until she realizes it’s your married sister…)
Getting back to your wall…is she reading:
“wicked game last night! You may have won this time, but next week I’m kicking your ass! LOL”
Or, is she reading:
“dude…how did you make it home last night? LOL you were EFFED UP! What happened to that girl in the blue dress? What was UP with that?!?”
(You better hope that she wasn’t the girl in blue dress.)
Foursquare: uhm, are you the Mayor of the Brass Rail? Yup…then that’s what she’s reading. For my non-Toronto readers, the Brass Rail is a strip club.
Twitter: Does she see you tweeting about your interests? Who are you tweeting to? Are you saying anything or just RT-ing quotes from Reverend Run and Diddy? (no, that’s not a good thing)
The scary thing about this approach is that she could very well be judging you on PAST behaviour or shit that is out of context. Like your friend’s comment about the girl in the blue dress? It sounds like you did something naughty with her, but it could’ve been a 3 a.m. Girl that you guys were making fun of…but she won’t know that. However, if you’re the Mayor of the Brass Rail, I can’t help you spin that; you’re on your own hun.
So how do you protect yourself? Well, if the first date is kind of like a job interview, think of your entire online presence as the resume. As for those limited and locked profiles…well, in first impression world, it doesn’t say that you’re private…it says that that you’re hiding something.
So whether you’re a player or prince charming, here’s what you need to do in order to protect your game from the dreaded Google search:
1: Scrub your Facebook. Facebook is the Pandora’s box of dating, because you’re kind of putting a lot of your life out there, and too many of you have albums filled with incriminating pictures, even though they’re mostly innocent. Go through your photos and put them in context by adding comments. Un-tag the ones that are truly incriminating or ask the poster to take it down.
2: Think before you tweet. Twitter is hard to put into context because you only have 140 characters, so think of Twitter as the conversation at a party, are you saying ANYTHING or are you saying SOMETHING? Crack jokes all your want, but every once in a while slip in something of substance to prove you have half a brain. Oh, and beware of the Twitpics…
3: How many self portraits did you take BEFORE you had a camera phone? On Flickr, your photo stream should include more than just self portraits in the bathroom and what you had for lunch today…she will get bored really quick. Throw in a picture of your cute niece, your dog or even better, something that shows your interests.
4: Verify your public records (that includes court cases, school records and memberships)
5: Delete your old profiles. Hi5? MySpace? Friendster? They still exist…even if you haven’t logged in.
6: Delete your ex-girlfriend. Remember the days before you had a computer? You would have a box shoved somewhere to hide mementoes…well that’s what a USB drive is for. Take the old stuff offline and store in on a USB key…because her finding memories of your relationship online is just like her finding that box.
No person should judge you without a proper conversation face to face. She’s (hopefully) not using the Google search to make a judgment; she’s using it to make an informed judgment…it’s all about the information darling boys. It’s all about the information.