Tinder Surprise!

I’ve been hearing and reading a lot about this new dating app called Tinder. I’m calling it the Candy Crush of online dating, Tinder is often compared to the app Grindr; which was created for gay men…Tinder has been called … Continue reading

Well? What’s the answer…?

Everyone, this will seem like a relatively easy question, but the truth is… I don’t really know how to answer this…

He and his girlfriend have broken up after 4 years…

The details of the breakup are not important, but no cheating happened.

It has not been an easy breakup…

The problem is this: who gets the friends? Specifically, his BEST friend.

Because the best friend is HER brother.

Now, they weren’t friends prior to the relationship; they met when she brought him home to meet the fam. As He was new to the city, He met a lot of his friends through his new best friend. A circle was formed.

They are the “bail your ass out of jail” type friends…the “lend the keys to my car” type friends…the “don’t tell my girlfriend that I did this” type friends. Since neither of them have a male sibling, they became “brothers”.

As this breakup gets messier, and a lot of issues come up to the surface, the brother is getting dragged into the middle. He has tried to stay neutral, but on the one hand, his best friend is going through a horrible breakup (even crashed on his couch for a while post major blowout) and on the other, his sister is going through a horrible breakup, and texts/calls/emails for advice.

He has tried to be the supportive friend, reasoning that his sister has a BFF of her own to turn to. His mother chewed him out for that…

He has tried to distance himself from his friend, but…this is his best friend. Who does he turn to when he needs someone?

His sister has said “I’ll hate that you are still friends with him, but I understand.”

His friend has said nothing…mutual friends have told him that he’s hurt because he lost his girlfriend and his best friend, but he won’t push it. Apparently the words “collateral damage” were used.

He wants to be able to maintain this friendship…this guy was supposed to be his best man…someday.

How does he keep the peace?

Most of my friends who have siblings are usually so separate in their lives, that the chances of them developing a friendship with a sibling’s partner are slim to none. For myself? I’ve only ever dated a friend’s brother once…briefly. She and I had been friends for many years before that relationship started, he and I did not discuss details with her, and the breakup was a blip on the radar…

So, I don’t know how to answer this. Where does the brother’s “loyalty” lie?

My two cents: he should be able to remain friends with his best friend without any guilt.

You say…?

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The Fear of Commitment…

So.

Been a little busy, but I’m going to try and handle a big topic over the next few posts. The title of this one says it all.

Now, I won’t be bashing. Trust, the fear of commitment is not just a man thing. Say the word “wife” to me, and I reach for the Benadryl and the asthma inhaler. But we’re not here to discuss my issues…

What these posts will attempt to explain is why women ask for it, the different ways commitment is viewed, and to ask you guys what is it that makes you commit?

Scared yet? You shouldn’t be.

A reminder: I have a few slots available for Come and Talk to Me 2 on June 27… hit me up if you are willing to woo some ladies rsvp@herlilblackbook.com

To kick things off…

Got this link from my girl Iz, an editor here in the city.

Thoughts?

The Comfort Zone…

This post is for my darling boys that are in long-term relationships (at least a year or more).

Mama HLBB asked me an interesting question the other day…she asked if I ever thought about an Ex and what life would’ve been like if I had…married him.

(Yes, Mama HLBB is holding out for the day I walk down the aisle…excuse me while I have a giggle fit about that)

Now, Mama HLBB thought THIS was the guy I was going to marry (giggle). I said, “no, but if I did, I would probably be in the suburbs, on kid number two, no dog, not have met (insert name of male best friend), and bored out of my fucking skull…”

(Yes, I swear in front of my mother. Get over it.)

After a pause, Mama HLBB said “oh yes…that wouldn’t have been good at all. But you two were so comfortable with each other.”

There’s that word. Comfortable. Gah. Part of the comfort stemmed from the fact that we were friends for many years before dating. But the comfort factor was one of the reasons we (I) broke up. Comfort kills relationships. I can recite, from memory, what we did every week…right down to the sex.

I went out of my mind with boredom.

I want you to think about it for second. When is the last time you surprised her?

If you’re in the type of relationship that has a set “date night”, a “go-to” present for birthdays/anniversaries, a “go to” spot for dinner”, and holy heaven forbid, a “go to” move that gets her off in so quickly that you can have sex during halftime, take your hand and smack yourself upside the head. If your girlfriend/wife/whatever has accepted this behaviour, tell her I said to smack herself upside the head.

Shame on both of you!

However, if your girlfriend/wife/whatever has ever hinted at wanting to try “something new”, “go somewhere different”, or stated that you two should “try (insert random activity here)”, it’s because she’s bored out of her fucking mind.

When I was with the aforementioned Ex, I had coworker who was approaching 60 (and this was over 10 years ago). Married, kids in college, well off, and the very image of an active (soon to be) senior; she and her husband could’ve been the couple in those Freedom 55 ads. Her husband was a buyer of some kind and his job required regular travel; she always went with him. Not to “keep an eye” or anything like that, but because she got to travel the world with her best friend for free.

One day, she was telling us about her latest trip, somewhere in Asia. The highlight of her trip was the strip club she and her husband went to…all the girls there were imported from elsewhere; it was so “exotic”.

Yeah, you read that correctly. The Freedom 55 couple liked to get freaky.

When we collectively picked our jaws up off the ground, my coworker let out a hearty (and naughty) laugh and said to the ladies “it’s one of the best things you can do for your sex life. He gets so hot and bothered, he’ll practically drag you out of the club…”

*thud* (those were our jaws dropping again)

I remember one other coworker asked her how her husband convinced her to go to the club. She said there was no convincing needed. He had previously mentioned that many of his hosts would make this part of the entertainment when he was in town. When he realized her curiosity was peaked, he asked her if SHE would like to buy HIM a lap dance sometime…

She bought them on every trip after that.

Her advice? “Never let yourself get comfortable…”

He never saw her apply makeup. She never saw him take a dump. She had her own set of friends to indulge in pastimes he had no interest in (mostly shopping). He still asked her out of dates. After 20+ years, 2 kids, and many trips to the strip club (where he would buy her lap dances), they were still looking for things to discover and learn about each other. They built on what they already knew, and even though she called him her best friend, they could still create that spark…

Looks fade. The mystery can go away sometimes. But surprise yourself and her by keeping her on her toes. Instead that “go to”, go left. Go right. Go anywhere else but there. Save the sex for after the game (consolation/victory sex anyone?).

Start small. Think of something that you can do this week that will surprise her. BUT, tell her you’re going to surprise her (a sudden change in behaviour can be misinterpreted as signs of cheating)…and then really do it. Surprise her.

You might be surprised with the results.

xoxo, hlbb

*GUYS: feedback please. What should SHE stop doing to keep you out of the comfort zone…? This is what the comments section is for. 

**No. This does not mean you should ask your girlfriend/wife/whatever to buy you a lap dance…