Tinder Surprise!

I’ve been hearing and reading a lot about this new dating app called Tinder. I’m calling it the Candy Crush of online dating, Tinder is often compared to the app Grindr; which was created for gay men…Tinder has been called … Continue reading

If You’re Looking for a Nice Girl… (Reflections on a Saturday Night)

So, got the urge to go to someplace different this past Saturday night. A place where I didn’t know anyone…not even the DJ. I went to watch. It’s my favourite part of being HLBB…the watching. It’s one of the many … Continue reading

Hello, you stink…

Hi hunny bunnies, I have a favour to ask of you:

Smell good.

That’s it. That’s all we ask. I’ve been around too many of you lately who just smell, stank.

No, this is not when you’re coming straight from the gym or the basketball courts either. This is in the morning, at the club, or at mid-afternoon coffee as I stand in line behind you at Tim Horton’s. You need to smell good! It’s simple. Your mouth, your hair, your pits, your crotch…these all need to smell good.

I once dated a man who hated cologne because he didn’t want to mask his natural scent…his natural scent was a combination or Irish Spring and aftershave for his bald head, but whatever, I get it. You don’t want to be swimming in cologne.

 I took a quick poll on Twitter and via email the other day and asked women how do you like men to smell? Most said “shower fresh”. See? You don’t have to invest in bottles of (expensive) cologne to get laid; you just need to take a shower.

But yes, back to this stank phenomenon… I don’t know if there was a memo circulated at your secret men-only meetings, but who ever told you that stank = pheromones was wrong. Sweat is actually odourless. Pheromones are secreted whether you’re sweating or not. But stank? Stank is created when sweat from the apocrine glands (the ones in your armpits, hairline, crotch) mixes with bacteria on your skin’s surface…it has NOTHING to do with pheromones. That’s just stank.

Oh and spraying on Axe to cover it up? NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.

NO!

Smoke Stank

I’m not going to go into all the evils of cigarette smoking in detail, but I would like to point out one thing to you smokers of nicotine and herb alike: that shit is altering the way you would normally smell. It seeps into your glands and when you sweat…? Ick.

I once met a friend of a friend of a friend, who was repulsive personality wise. But you know what made him absolutely hellish? He was a close talker whose breath REEKED of weed and cigarettes. When he wasn’t talking, he basically smelled like 2 day old cigarette stank. Remember when people could smoke in the clubs? Then a few days later when you went to do laundry, your clothes reeked of stale cigarettes? Yeah, it was that kind of stank.

My eyes were watering.

You know what was really funny? After telling him to fuck off, he found a 3 a.m. girl to dance with. Now, I have a poor sense of smell, and my eyes were watering… so this girl’s nose must’ve been broken. Or she really liked her men stank.

Oh yeah, you may THINK you smell fine, but smoking also interferes with your olfactory senses, so you may not realize how bad you smell. The next time she takes a step back, think about what I said.

Food Stank

If you have food stank issues, see a nutritionist ASAP.  Dairy, yeast, and certain meats can affect the way you smell. I’m not saying you should go vegan, but balance that diet. You know what also can contribute to food stank B.O.? Sugar…refined sugars and fructose corn syrup. A high fructose diet (pop, junk food, etc) throws off your pH balance and can make you stank stink more than usual. If you’re willing, try cleansing every once in a while to get that stuff out of your system.

Food stank also affects your breath. If you’re drinking coffee all day, and having something spicy or onion-y at lunch… go right ahead. Just don’t speak for the rest of the day unless you’re brushing your teeth or sucking back on an Altoid.

Speaking of things you ingest, alcohol can also contribute to mouth stank, as alcohol dries out your mouth. Beer has yeast, which ferments and smells bad…wine has tannins…after a few glasses or pints, your mouth is going to stink.

Not only does what you ingest lead to stank…but it also contributes to funky spunk

Foot Stank

I had this boyfriend years ago, and one day he took off his kicks. My instant reaction was “hell no. That’s just wrong.” I looked carefully at his feet and almost died. I literally gave him a pedicure…because it was either that or end the relationship.

Seriously, I did.

I honestly don’t know how I feel about men in flip flops, and I know some of you loooove your kicks. That’s fine. Just keep your damn feet clean and dry.

Do you know what athlete’s foot is? It’s a fungal infection. YOU HAVE MOULD GROWING ON YOUR DAMN FEET! Let me repeat this: MOULD! ON YOUR DAMN FEET! While we’re on this, that’s also what “jock itch” is, it’s a fungal infection in your crotch…clean that up!

(no this is not license to wash your balls in my sink)

 Air your feet out, wear clean socks, wash your kicks regularly and get pedicures!

 6 Steps for Stank Maintenance

1 – wash your hands after your meals (and after smoking)

2 – baby wipes

3 – altoids or peppermint oil (a drop or two under the tongue)

4 – drink water regularly (helps to flush the stank out of your system) and add lemons

5 – keep clean and dry – especially the feet

6 – keep an extra stash of deodorant/antiperspirant on hand (in the car, at your desk)

How should you smell?

That’s entirely up to you darlings. I’m not here to say how you should smell good. Besides the “shower fresh” majority, there are women out there who love good cologne (I once followed a man for 3 blocks because he smelled good), some who prefer the natural odour (aka pheromones) and you know, there a few who like the stank (science indicates that this is because she’s ovulating…go figure).

So…yeah…

Go take a fucking shower. 

Ladies: the men do read, weigh in on what you like in the comments!

When the Predator Becomes the Prey…

When you single men (and some of you who are not so single) go out to a bar, club, sporting event, car wash, grocery store, library (okay, you get the point) ,you usually have it in mind that you are on “the hunt”. If you see an attractive girl, you approach. Whether or not you’re wearing sweats or suit, good mood or bad, if you’re single, you’re on the hunt. Women aren’t naturally inclined to prey. Social conditioning has taught us that we are not the ones who approach, we are the ones who are approached; clubs have ladies nights for this very reason. If a club had a guy’s night, it’d be a sausage fest.

But then, there are times when the Prey becomes the Predator…

A Female Predator is completely different from a Male one. Whereas, the hunt is a common thing for you, there is usually an “occasion” for the Female Predator, a reason, a goal. Unlike a 3 a.m. Girl who wants to go out, party (get drunk), grab a few numbers and possibly get laid, a Female Predator?

Wants to get fucked.

Whether it’s a simple revenge fuck (i.e. her man was caught cheating) or it’s time to make it rain after a long sexual drought, the Female Predator stalks her prey and it’s all very methodical.

All dressed up and only one place to go. (that would be your bed)…
A woman in Predator Mode knows she has to compete with the regular girls and the 3 a.m. girls for your attention. So check for the details. She’s going to be in a cocktail dress, some nice “fuck me” pumps and she’s going to be a little bit more glossy than what you’re used to… her. Oh and you can be guaranteed that she’s got the matching thong and bra on under that outfit.

She has a wingwoman…
This wingwoman is there specifically for the purpose of egging the Predator on, because women in Predator mode is not normally a predatory or 3 a.m. type of girl. This way, if she wavers in her mission, her wingwoman is there to whisper in her ear:

“remember when that bastard said he had to work late on Valentine’s day? Mmm hmm, betcha that fucker was with her! You know you were too good for him girl! Now, go dance with that one over there!”

And note: that’s wingwoman, singular. She needs a partner in this love crime. Not a girl’s night out.

She’s in new territory…
Is the club/bar/event your regular thing? Is she a new face? Yup. Predators don’t hunt in familiar areas, lest they bump into someone they know. So, they seek out a new venue specifically for such an occasion. Look for the face that seems out of place…chances are she’s on the hunt.

This right here? This is business…
Watch when she walks into the club…she’s scoping the room rather than scoping for friends. She’s not meeting anyone she already knows…she’s looking to meet you.
She’s getting close. So close you can smell where she dabbed her perfume between her breasts (no sweet florals, she’s wearing the musk with added pheromones). She pays little attention to your conversation, but her hands are on you. Oh yeah, the breasts are in their best push up bra so that they’re right there in your face for the taking. She’s engaging all the senses. The little bit that she says, it’s flirty…but it’s that innuendo kind of flirty. Everything she says sounds like sex. She buys a cocktail with a cherry, just to tie the stem with her tongue in front of you. She has a goal. She’s pulled out her full arsenal. You’re in her sights honey…but this is that time when she’s going to pull your trigger.

She makes you feel squirmy. In a good way…
She’s so close to you. She’s ordered a SEX on the beach. Wait, did she just grab your ASS while you were dancing? You’re thinking, this is the stuff WE do, but it just seems, unnatural. But deep down inside, you’re LIKING this.

Or, you see her on the floor…her BFF is at the DJ booth…suddenly a song like “Ooops (Oh My)” comes on. Look again. She’s singing along. You expect that, at the chorus, her shirt is gonna come up over her head and you’re waiting. You feel like getting comfortable, this is some good shit right here… you reach over to the nightstand to grab the lotion…and then…

Then you remember you’re in public. If she’s making eye contact with you while she plays Private Dancer, get over there dammit!

You can’t tell if she’s drunk…she could be?
Predators don’t want to go home with any old Buddy. This isn’t the sloppy-she’s-going-to-start-crying-about-her-ex-in-the-middle-of-hooking-up type of night. She’s on a mission. Therefore, she’ll stay well within her limit…staying close to the bar and near to the dance floor. She may “act” a little messy. But trust, it’s part of the Predator Arsenal… “ooops! Spilled my drink on your upper leg, let me wipe that for you…”

When she wakes up in the morning, she wants to say, “mission accomplished”, not “what the fuck happened?”

You’ll never hear from her again…
This is why she’s in unfamiliar territory. This is why she went to your place instead of you going to hers. Okay. You’ll get the text that thanks you for the night…but there’s no follow up. Unless you really rocked her world or made her breakfast in the a.m. consider yourself done. She got what she wanted.

Happy hunting…erm, I mean, being hunted.