Tinder Surprise!

I’ve been hearing and reading a lot about this new dating app called Tinder. I’m calling it the Candy Crush of online dating, Tinder is often compared to the app Grindr; which was created for gay men…Tinder has been called … Continue reading

If dating has to be a “game”…then let’s make it fun….

Y’know, when you type “why is dating…” into a Google search, the auto-complete’s top return is “…so hard”. Not surprised. There are all these hidden rules it seems. Steps you have to take to get from one stage to the … Continue reading

The Appeal of Scandal (or, “Why Women Want to Fuck Fitzgerald Grant III AND Harrison Wright”)…

The other day I quoted a line from the hit show “Scandal” and referenced it in conversation. A guy who has known me for years was surprised that I watched the show. When I asked him why he was surprised he said, “well, you’re like, a feminist…”

(arched brow)

“…and like, he’s cheating on his wife…”

(arches brow)

“like, can you LIKE a guy like that? What’s the appeal?”

(wide-eyed confusion)

He then went on to explain things like “gender and race politics”*  and a whole bunch of other reasons as to why I, a Black female feminist and politically aware person, shouldn’t be so “caught up” in a show.

When he finished, I said, “have you WATCHED it?”

No.

So, let me try to explain. It’s the men.

Spoiler Alert: unless you are completely caught up on episodes, or don’t care, there are clips below that may spoil things for you).

The men of Scandal are fantasy men. Okay, well only TWO men really. Harrison (played by Columbus Short, aka the dude who was in You Got Served) and President Fitzgerald Grant (played by Tony Goldwyn…aka the dude who betrayed Patrick Swayze in Ghost).

Let’s start with Harrison

Harrison. Oh…Harrison. This is a man who is ride or die. His passion. His loyalty. His ability to pull a “hush mama”? Women throw their imaginary panties at the screen when he does things like this. You may think it’s a matter of talking back, or “shutting up” a woman, but no. It’s Harrison’s ability to stand up when you need to stand up and not be afraid to do it. He’s not worrying about hurting your feelings or coddling you, but if you need to cry, he’s got the shoulder at the ready. However, if you’re acting a fool, he will tell you. Then, when it’s time to go to war for you, he will suit up and go to war. The balance of this is tricky. See below:

President Grant. Ah…this is the dude you all take issue with. A cheating, lying, philandering, Republican who is chasing after his ex-mistress while his wife is still pregnant…

Y’know. When you write it out like that, not so bueno. So why do women overlook all these things and seemingly “forgive” him? Is it the Superman curl of his hair? His “fuck me” expression when he wants a piece of Olivia (the man’s fuck me face is awesome )? Is it that he has the convenient excuse of having an “evil” wife?

Is it that because he’s misunderstood?

Nah.

It’s because he’s absolutely, one hundred percent, totally, without a doubt, madly in love with Olivia Grant (played by Kerry Washington aka the single teen mom in Save the Last Dance). Again, the writers of this show put words into this character’s mouth that women dream of hearing (skip ahead to the 1:00 minute mark, for romance…watch all the way through for context):

Just not from a married man.

Simply put, this man lays out all the cards. He unabashedly says, “I love you” to her, repeatedly. He does things that many think a man in love SHOULD do. Tell me, when is the last time you said to a woman “I love you. I’m in love with you. You’re the love of my life?”

How many times have you WANTED to say it…but didn’t?

Tell me why you think a woman wouldn’t want to hear that…

You see, I know of a lot of women who are in these “secret” relationships. No one’s cheating or running around like President Grant. In fact, it could be a regular run of the mill relationship. Yet…

You want to be “private”, you say. That what you feel or your relationship isn’t “everybody’s business” you say. That you don’t need to tell her how you feel because “she knows”, you say…

Yet. Your girl is flinging imaginary panties at the screen every Thursday, you say…

Feelings. My darling boys. Feelings. These men prove the feelings you (may actually) have, but for various reasons avoid expressing out loud. These men? They are committed to her. They LOVE her. Do they get mad at her? Yes. Do they always do the right thing? No.

HELLO! THE DUDE IS CHEATING ON HIS PREGNANT WIFE!

But they LOVE her and are COMMITTED to her. It’s the greatest weekly fantasy on television right now.

Sigh. Therein lies the rub. It’s all fantasy. For an hour, we can live vicariously through Olivia Pope (and her bomb ass wardrobe) and we can have two men, two men who don’t actually HAVE to, tell us everything we’ve ever wanted to hear. Things we’d want to hear from real men in our lives. Like you. The ones who’d rather suggest a “hang out” than a “date”. Or avoid the commitment conversation by “going dark”. Or, when asked where things are going, respond with, “it’s good. Y’know? We’re good.”

Or, who instead of taking the next step in commitment, break up because you’re worried better pussy will come along…

By the way…

Did I mention that she has another man in love with her and has asked her to marry him, twice!? Yes. A man who could take away ALL the drama and give her a normal life, with dinner at six and babies? She chooses not to, because duh, who’d turn in to watch her make lasagna for a senator each week? But why does this Senator stay losing?

“The Senator is a good guy. He’s the representation of all the things you ask for in a man isn’t it?” (He said)

Uhmmmmm. Not really. No. He comes in and says, “I’ll take care of you. I’ll be your hero…” (which is what you THINK we want to hear) But when she denies him (say, professionally), he reminds her right quick of her “place’. The power dynamic that’s actually tipped in his favour…by pointing out that his position means that  he could easily have her thrown in jail.

Well. Sweetie. Thank you for that.

He then shows up at her house and well…

“Do it now, while I still have time to help you.”?

Except. She didn’t ask for your help. This is why he stays losing. He’s the “nice guy” who gets shown the door.

Yup. That’s my theory. I don’t know many women who want white knights these days.

With all the pressure of work, life, children, parents, and various other responsibilities, I know many women who want a man who loves them, who will go to battle WITH them, and will, when needed, look them in the eye and have the balls to say, “you’re the love of my life”.

Hell, just even be that shoulder to cry on when it gets to be too much.

How many of you can say you’re a Gladiator?

*Regarding the gender/race politics thing… look. Kerry’s character was based on a real Black woman. Would you have preferred that her character be whitewashed to make her love for Fitz more palatable for YOU? How about if Shonda made the President Black? Then don’t you think people would’ve taken that to be an attack on Barack Obama? Shonda does colourblind casting. She casts who works best for that role. Christina Yang (Grey’s Anatomy) could’ve easily been Christina Young. Callie Torres could’ve easily been Callie Thomas. She picks GOOD actors. Suck it up.  

Well? What’s the answer…?

Everyone, this will seem like a relatively easy question, but the truth is… I don’t really know how to answer this…

He and his girlfriend have broken up after 4 years…

The details of the breakup are not important, but no cheating happened.

It has not been an easy breakup…

The problem is this: who gets the friends? Specifically, his BEST friend.

Because the best friend is HER brother.

Now, they weren’t friends prior to the relationship; they met when she brought him home to meet the fam. As He was new to the city, He met a lot of his friends through his new best friend. A circle was formed.

They are the “bail your ass out of jail” type friends…the “lend the keys to my car” type friends…the “don’t tell my girlfriend that I did this” type friends. Since neither of them have a male sibling, they became “brothers”.

As this breakup gets messier, and a lot of issues come up to the surface, the brother is getting dragged into the middle. He has tried to stay neutral, but on the one hand, his best friend is going through a horrible breakup (even crashed on his couch for a while post major blowout) and on the other, his sister is going through a horrible breakup, and texts/calls/emails for advice.

He has tried to be the supportive friend, reasoning that his sister has a BFF of her own to turn to. His mother chewed him out for that…

He has tried to distance himself from his friend, but…this is his best friend. Who does he turn to when he needs someone?

His sister has said “I’ll hate that you are still friends with him, but I understand.”

His friend has said nothing…mutual friends have told him that he’s hurt because he lost his girlfriend and his best friend, but he won’t push it. Apparently the words “collateral damage” were used.

He wants to be able to maintain this friendship…this guy was supposed to be his best man…someday.

How does he keep the peace?

Most of my friends who have siblings are usually so separate in their lives, that the chances of them developing a friendship with a sibling’s partner are slim to none. For myself? I’ve only ever dated a friend’s brother once…briefly. She and I had been friends for many years before that relationship started, he and I did not discuss details with her, and the breakup was a blip on the radar…

So, I don’t know how to answer this. Where does the brother’s “loyalty” lie?

My two cents: he should be able to remain friends with his best friend without any guilt.

You say…?

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