Well? What’s the answer…?

Everyone, this will seem like a relatively easy question, but the truth is… I don’t really know how to answer this…

He and his girlfriend have broken up after 4 years…

The details of the breakup are not important, but no cheating happened.

It has not been an easy breakup…

The problem is this: who gets the friends? Specifically, his BEST friend.

Because the best friend is HER brother.

Now, they weren’t friends prior to the relationship; they met when she brought him home to meet the fam. As He was new to the city, He met a lot of his friends through his new best friend. A circle was formed.

They are the “bail your ass out of jail” type friends…the “lend the keys to my car” type friends…the “don’t tell my girlfriend that I did this” type friends. Since neither of them have a male sibling, they became “brothers”.

As this breakup gets messier, and a lot of issues come up to the surface, the brother is getting dragged into the middle. He has tried to stay neutral, but on the one hand, his best friend is going through a horrible breakup (even crashed on his couch for a while post major blowout) and on the other, his sister is going through a horrible breakup, and texts/calls/emails for advice.

He has tried to be the supportive friend, reasoning that his sister has a BFF of her own to turn to. His mother chewed him out for that…

He has tried to distance himself from his friend, but…this is his best friend. Who does he turn to when he needs someone?

His sister has said “I’ll hate that you are still friends with him, but I understand.”

His friend has said nothing…mutual friends have told him that he’s hurt because he lost his girlfriend and his best friend, but he won’t push it. Apparently the words “collateral damage” were used.

He wants to be able to maintain this friendship…this guy was supposed to be his best man…someday.

How does he keep the peace?

Most of my friends who have siblings are usually so separate in their lives, that the chances of them developing a friendship with a sibling’s partner are slim to none. For myself? I’ve only ever dated a friend’s brother once…briefly. She and I had been friends for many years before that relationship started, he and I did not discuss details with her, and the breakup was a blip on the radar…

So, I don’t know how to answer this. Where does the brother’s “loyalty” lie?

My two cents: he should be able to remain friends with his best friend without any guilt.

You say…?

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9 thoughts on “Well? What’s the answer…?

  1. Friends come and friends may go. Family is family. Blood is thickest. No offense to the dude/ex-bf but he should be a man and walk away. The longer it lingers, the more the baggage will accumulate. And what happens when she finds someone new? Or when he finds someone new? Make a clean cut now rather than later. It’s not fair to ask the brother or sister to choose, but ex-bf dude has a choice here.

  2. Rules exist only in your belief system, and therefor only in your mind. If you allow your ex to dictate to whom you can be friends with or not, then it’s your lose. My mother said to me in my divorce… you can divorce your wife, but I will not divorce my friend. Take ego and pride out of the mix, and deepen the friendship with the brother.
    Blessings…

  3. This is a tough one. I understand what Homee is saying but these are all adults and it might take some time before the drama dies down so there might be some questioning and prying as to whom has moved on first but that goes away with time. It seems that these guys have formed a true friendship and those aren’t that easy to come by. I was with my ex for almost 10 years and we shared several mutual friends, we grew up in the same neighbourhood, but he lost some of the ones that he considered to be the closest. They remained loyal to me (mostly the women). I would have hated to lose certain friends, ones that have been more like sisters, due to a break up. I say the guys keep their friendship and there has to be an understanding that the relationship between the sister and the ex has nothing to do with the friendship.

    • Without going into too much detail and putting everyone’s business on the streets, the circumstances around the breakup are messy. As messy as you can get without a third party being involved.

      I also advised to give it time, but I think that he also has to make sure the friendship doesn’t die out.

  4. If the Ex has been silent then at the very least, there needs to be some period of silence or space to allow the 2 main principles to get over things. Blood is thicker then water but life aint always that cut and dry. If the brother doesn’t want to be caught in the maybe then he needs to be a brother to his sister and respectfully distance himself from the friend. If the friendship is really what it’s being described as then it’ll be there down the road when time has healed things. The sister too shouldn’t put added pressure on her brother either. Cry on your homegirl’s shoulder dont bring stuff to him knowing the position he’s in.

    To be 100% honest I’m like O_o at the move to get SO close to your girls brother. I mean I know things just happen but it’s a risky move even when things were going well.

    • I don’t believe in blood being thicker than water, but that’s me. Which is also why this is hard for me to answer.

      From what I know of the situation, he wasn’t TRYING to seek out a friendship all those years ago. It was “meet my brother, you guys like the same sports team, go to a game…”. They hung out at family gatherings. Shared the same interests in music, sports, movies etc.

      Based on the social circles the ex-BF set up for himself independently of the brother, it’s likely they would’ve become friends anyway, as they have developed mutual friends. As in “hey, do you know X? Just started working with them” /”Yeah! Went to university with them!”.

      So the ex-BF and the brother don’t HAVE to be friends; they have many friends of their own. They just WANT to remain friends.

  5. hmm. this is rough.
    i think everyone needs to let the dust kind of settle and not make life long decisions with emotions running so high (hard..but..its where things should start).

    and the sister seems to be more level-headed than ppl are giving her credit for. she understands that blood is not always thicker than water and life isn’t black and white. her brother has formed a bond (and we all know how dudes are when they form bonds) and it’s not any easier to break than hers is.

    i think dudes should stay friends, but the ex should stay away from family functions and such.

    plus knowing what i know about the city of toronto – they are bound to run into each at some point.

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