Cheating. The conclusion…


It’s a subject I’ve been thinking about for the past few weeks (if I’m not writing, I’m reading and thinking).

A few weeks ago, a man said to me that he would never cheat on his (future) wife, because he knew that when he got married, that would be “it.”

Then, I went to Goddess Intellect’s Battle of the Sexes, which explored the question “Is Monogamy a Myth?” From my corner in the crowd I asked, “do happy people cheat?”

I remembered asking Him if he was happy in his marriage.

He said he was happy.

We were happy. I think.

They say there are three sides to every story. With this tale, I knew my side, and his side. We had discussed it every time we saw each other. But I never knew her side. I think by calling her by her name, I made her the “other” and not his wife. He never made me feel like a mistress…so why think of myself as one?

I left the post(s) half-finished and then, my friend Mansa Trotman, remembered she was a poet and published a book of her works called “The Space that Connects Us”.

At the launch, she read “The Unholy Trinity”.*

“you’re with me it’s that kind of deal
it is a silent deal you make with both of us separately
this secret, down-low affair…”


“and this week she sits a home knowing that even though she
played by all the rules
she has been moved to another degree of the triangle
and now I sit to the right
in this unholy trinity…”


There was the unspoken part of the story.

An affair is never between two people. It’s between three. By going to one, you do not exclude the other.

I asked that guy who was so sure he’d remain faithful how he knew. He explained that he knew that for him, love mean fidelity. That was it. He couldn’t have three people in a relationship.

I thought to myself, well He loved his wife. His son. His life. I wonder what love had meant to him?

Did he love me? I couldn’t tell you. I never asked. I’m sure the answer was no.

He spent a lot of time dealing with his guilt. I joked that it would’ve been good if he was a Catholic; that way he could’ve gone to confession. He joked that he was taught there was no hell, so it wasn’t exactly a sin he was committing.

He’d confess to me instead…how he felt about the situation, he’d ask how I felt. We talked a lot. He never made me feel guilty though.

He never promised to leave his wife. No false promises. No bullshit. We were here. It was wrong.

We made a silly pact that if this…thing, got to a certain point we’d end it. We drew a line in the sand and let emotional tides wash it away every time…


That’s why we fought.

“I don’t want to leave my wife.”

“I’ve never asked for what wasn’t mine.”

“What do we do?”

“Draw a new line in the sand…?”

When it comes to infidelity, there are those who come back from it…those who get over it…those who never forgive it.

If you’re going to cheat, I would say don’t. But if you are…

Decide if she’s a woman who’ll come back to you…get over “her”…or who’ll never forgive it.

I do know this: no woman “traps”, “seduces” or “tempts” a man…those are excuses.

Sidebar:  there is nothing a woman can do to “keep” a man. 

You’ve drawn your line. Pick the side. Don’t use the lines to form a triangle.

*”The Unholy Trinity” (c)  2012  Mansa Trotman
Used with permission from the author.
(Go buy the book!) 


7 thoughts on “Cheating. The conclusion…

  1. There is no black and white or lines in the sand. We are all like the waters in the oceans. Seeming to be the same day after day but not. After all, the currents keep flowing and the waters move so you never step in the same ocean twice. The best part of having an intelligent mind is the ability to accept that everything is fluid. What is wrong today may be right tomorrow. It when we try to define everything that there are problems. The mistress is just a word. Husband and wife are also words that mean different things to different people. What matter are your actions and intent.

  2. Great writing and lead up to a touchy subject. As if I wasnt already mad at missing BOTS. Sounds like there was some real serious conversation going on to help bring this experience to the public.

    • Definite inspiration from BOTS. See what you miss?
      Sign up for Porter’s email blasts! LOL
      What is monogamy? What is cheating? Is it only cheating if you get caught? A lot of people think that way; we didn’t. I worried that the wife would just show up one day and say “so you’re her…”

      • “So you’re her…..”

        Now THAT would be a story…..

        I also like this story because in comparison to other “mistress” tales I’ve read you perfectly communicated the dynamics of the relationship WITHOUT any “juicy details”. Left it to the imagination.

  3. I was waiting for the juicy sex. But hey, this is me.

    I read this at the wrong time. I have nothing to say. Great reading. My heart hurts. I was the “other” woman but I’ve been on different levels of this spectrum altogether so I will have an opinion on this situation. Just not right now. Right now I just want to be the “other” woman.

    *sips wine*

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