Are You “Single”?

Are you “single”?

Define it.

Semantics: the branch of linguistics and logic concerned with meaning. There are a number of branches and subbranches of semantics, including conceptual semantics, which studies the cognitive structure of meaning.

In other words, you say you’re “single…” and she says “my boyfriend…”

A while back I met a guy who described himself as single because that’s what he has to declare on his taxes…never mind the girlfriend of 3 years. He did say he didn’t cheat, or even wanted to; he simply was, based on the definition of the word “single”.

I met a girl who described to a group of us her “boyfriend”, and how he broke up with her after 3 months of dating because “he wasn’t ready to have a girlfriend”. Never mind that he hadn’t slept at home in 2.5 months and had two (2!) hockey equipment bags’ worth of stuff to move out when they broke up.

But this one? This is my favourite:

(p.s. follow Cheekie, she’s hilarious)

Really? He says he bought a ring. SHE says they’re engaged?

How are we as adults, speaking the same language (I assume), not understanding each other?

Instead of defining words, let’s define expectations, shall we? What are you expecting from the woman in your life/sights/bed right now? Are you looking for someone to bring to Sunday’s BBQ? Are you looking for her to be gone by Sunday morning? Are you looking for someone you can confide in, or is she someone you keep hidden? Are you making you expectations clear in both WORD and ACTION and, is she doing the same?

If you are having an arrangement but acting like a boyfriend, you’re sending mixed signals.

But how, HLBB? If I’m telling her that I’m not ready for a girlfriend, why isn’t she listening?

Because darling boy, actions speak louder.

You’re not ready for a girlfriend, but she’s met a family member, and your boys…on purpose, not just because you bumped into them on the street. You’ve gone away for a weekend (or suggested it). One of you has taken care of the other when you’re sick. One of you is at the other’s place most nights of the week. You know her birthday, or there was an exchange of presents for some sort of holiday…

Shall I continue? Get it? You’re acting like a boyfriend.

(Pssst…let’s pretend that there are no women listening in on our convo, okay?)

Look, I know what the “I’m not ready for a girlfriend” statement really is. It’s an out. Don’t get me wrong. You’re not lying…you really aren’t ready.

FOR HER.

Because if the woman of your dreams came along at this moment, and declared her undying love for you. If a Meagan Good – level beauty said she’d remove the chastity belt – for YOU – as long as there was a ring, your ass would be at Tiffany & Co. (or People’s) faster than you can say, “I do.”

But you’re not ready to give up what might be for what is right in front of you. She’s at about 70%…you’re looking to keep it 100. Makes sense.

But then, when you say those (other) three little words…“I’m not ready”, you end up giving out hope like Obama did in 2008, because all she is thinking is what will it take, what can SHE do to make you “ready”. When the reality is, unless she morphs into your dream girl, she will NEVER make you ready. Am I right?

Yeah. Let’s try a little less hope and a little more honesty.

But…

I know. The gates to coochieville will close if you tell her that some day you won’t be together. I know. I get it. But that’s the trade you have to make it life. It’s kind of a package deal, since her coochie is attached to the rest of her. If she’s ready and you’re not, you have to say “we have to end this because I’m not ready.” Yes, you can end the statement with “I’m not ready” as this will drive the point home. Then you have to stick to it. Back up your words with your actions.

If she wants a boyfriend, HER actions will also make it clear. If you say “I’m not ready…” and she says with a shrug “cool”… then trust that she is beginning to figure out what will make you “ready”. She’s cooking you meals, sharing her life, sharing her bed, even sharing her dreams, she’s doing it to get you ready; that by opening up, you’ll see all of her and want to be ready.

Meanwhile, you’re enjoying this friendship with all sorts of benefits: sex, food, clean laundry, a place to crash…all while holding the “get of this quasi relationship free” card with those three little words. One day, as it comes to an end and she angrily/sarcastically/tearfully says “why did I waste my time with you?”, you’ll be able to say:

“But I TOLD you I wasn’t ready for a girlfriend!”

Don’t do it. I know you’re going to do it because you know no other way. Just know that you’re creating angry bitter women (coughLaurynHillcough) with this tactic. When you meet an angry bitter woman pushing for a relationship because the last guy “lied” or “screwed her over” , I will bet you that there is a 50% chance that this guy said “But I told you I wasn’t ready for a girlfriend!”.

You’re creating the monster you’re so scared of.

Sidebar: Ladies, I’m sick of it. Really. When a man starts a sentence with “I’m not ready…” and it doesn’t end with something like “…to cum” Leave. Do not pass go. Do not collect anything. Just leave. He’s not ready for you and until he is, you’re really wasting your time.

As for miss thing with the ring? If he didn’t get down on one knee, or look you in the eye, or for fuck’s sake ASK YOU OUTRIGHT. Then you didn’t get engaged. He just went to Jared’s!

Now, if you say “I’m not ready…” and she says, “neither am I… that’s cool. Are you staying over? Because I got to get up early in the morning…” She’s not trying to have you, and she’s not trying to get caught up.

Yup. You have to stop being lazy (and horny) and hold out for the woman is – get this – NOT READY.

They exist.

You meet a Free Agent and you can enjoy all the sex, food, and comfort you could ask for, until that day comes when one of you is ready to move on.

Oh, and don’t come crying to me when she says to you “Listen…I’m just not ready…”

Now. All the REALLY Single Ladies, put your hands up. Let’s debate this at Come and Talk to Me II (June 27 2012) 

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2 thoughts on “Are You “Single”?

  1. All. Of. (the lights) This!!!

    I know, I know. We women make it soooo hard for men to really be honest. All it takes is that one chick to react and you start lying to the rest. (but wait… Isnt that the same thing you ask us not to do?). Oh. Do as I say, not as I do.

    The whole thing is exasperating and very frustrating.

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