The ABC’s of Picking Up Women…

Darling boys, we’ve got a problem.

From what I’m hearing – and experiencing – when it comes to pickups lately, I can only assume that AXE has introduced a new fragrance and called it “Thirst”.

Honeys. I know it’s hard. Nine out of ten times, you’re responsible for the approach, keeping us engaged, and if you’re lucky, closing the deal. That’s a lot of pressure, but you need to ease up on yourselves a bit.

A lot.

“But HLBB, I want to get laid/go out on a date (and get laid)/get a girlfriend (and get laid regularly)!”

I know, I know. I want to see that happen for you as well. I’m just going to give you a few reminders like…

Have fun with it! Picking up a woman is not open heart surgery; if you fail, no one is going to die. When approaching a woman, try doing it with a smile because, I have to say, nothing is more coochie shriveling than a guy walking up to a woman looking like he’s in a sniper’s sights.

“Uhm. Yeah. Hi. Didyouwannadrink?”


“Okay…” (Scurries away).

(Sidebar: what’s with the drive by pickup attempts anyway? Is there some sort of contest to see how many times you can pickup a woman in 5 minutes?)

Now, I want you to think about this: who turns down a free drink? Yeah. Exactly. So why is she turning you down? She either:

Doesn’t find your ass attractive (sorry, can’t win ‘em all)

Is loyal to the man she already has in her life, or…

She thinks your approached sucked.

Yes. If you turn her off with your approach, there’s no amount of free alcohol to keep her talking to you. Yes, there are those who will take the drink with no intention of even giving her real name, but I’m talking about women here, not girls.

Smile dammit. Make some eye contact. Oh gawd yes! Look us in the eye; not our forehead, boobs, shoes, or over our heads. Try to hold a woman’s eye for more than 5 seconds. Eye contact is powerful. Hold that gaze and you will increase your chances of holding our attention.

Think about what you’re about to say. Not only did Mr. Hiwannahaveadrink? Nookaybye fail with this rushed approach, but he offered to buy a drink for someone who still had a glass that was ¾ full. Take a second to think about what you’re about to say or you’ll just set yourself up for failure. If she has a drink in hand, ask her to dance, compliment her outfit, or offer to buy the next one. Show her you’ve paid more attention to her than her ass (even though we all know that’s what caught your attention in the first place).

Expect rejection. Enjoy the success and shrug off the failure. A few posts ago, I wrote about the guy who called me a stingy bitch because I refused to stop and talk with him on the street at 2 a.m. Talk about showing your thirst. The other day, a guy tried the “can I talk to you for a second?” approach. I said, “sorry, gotta go back to work…” and kept it moving. His response?

“Awwwwww! I was hoping we could work together! Let’s book a conference call!”

I laughed at that one. He gets points for humour and for the quick thinking on his feet. He tried. He failed. He laughed about it. If I had more time (I really was rushing back to a meeting), he might’ve succeeded.

Now. Let’s say your approach worked. Now you’ve got to hold her attention. What are you talking about?

Here’s a story about a guy who was in a band. She doesn’t remember the name of the band, where they played last, or how they got together. Simply because this guy only talked about HIS role in it.

“I’m the drummer, but I do a lot of the writing too. Most of the songs are written by me and the lead singer…”

“I wanted to start the band with these guys because no one was really doing a sound I liked.”

“I’m thinking we’re gonna do more shows this summer…I’ll invite you out.”

“You sing? Cool. I’ve been thinking that we need a female voice for backgrounds on this song we’re working on.”

You know how there is no “I” in team? There’s no “I” in “pussy” either…

Okay. Great. You’re kind of a big deal. She told me that she crossed her eyes when he said this. He didn’t notice though; he wasn’t making eye contact.

If you don’t want you, we’re not going to want you either. I was out a few weeks ago, and had what I consider the most annoying approach. The “I know I’m not worthy of you but Imma try anyway…” approach.

(Me dancing)

Coming up behind me, he says “Iknowyouhaveamanbutyoudancenice…”


(I stopped dancing)

“Did you just tell me that I can’t dance?”

I thought he said, “I know you can’t dance, but you look nice.”

If he had been observant, he would’ve already noted that I was out with the girls; there was no man near me. So I will assume he figured I was pretty enough to not be single, but just in case I was, I would welcome this approach. Once we cleared up the miscommunication, I turned my back and continued dancing. Leaning in again, he said “andyousmellgoodtoo.”


A few songs later I took a break. Seated near me, he leaned in again. Now, I should point out that I have issues with personal space; I’m definitely a girl who likes her bubble. So, each time he leaned in to say something, I would be startled. On this last attempt, he called me out on my “jumpiness” and asked why I was acting like he was going to attack me. I was honest.

“If you’d approach me directly instead of just coming up behind me, maybe I’d be less jumpy….?”

“Oh. Well, y’know…you must have a man so –“

I turned around. Didn’t even want to hear the rest.

So here is your challenge for tonight (or any other time you go out meet women):

I want you to image the girl you’re about to approach absolutely, without a doubt, wants to fuck you…and when she’s done, she’ll want more. 

G’head. Laugh…scoff at the suggestion. In sales, it’s called the presumptive close; you already know she’s going to say yes, so everything you do from this point forward will just be steps you need to get there.

Always. Be. Closing.


3 thoughts on “The ABC’s of Picking Up Women…

  1. Eye contact. seriously elementary but so important! also what a cutie that guy sounds like…the one with the conference call comeback. love it!

  2. Pingback: Her Lil’ Black Book | Battle Of The Sexes

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