The Last Minute V-Day Post (For You Last Minute Types)…

Conversation with a man this morning:

 Me: “did you buy (insert wife’s name here) stuff for Valentines…?”

Him: “nah, not yet. I gotta hit Shoppers at lunch and grab a card and some chocolate…”

Me: “(blank stare) NO. YOU WILL NOT GO TO SHOPPERS FOR A PRESENT FOR YOUR WIFE AND THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN!”

Sigh…

So, I’m just gonna knock this post out real quick to prevent any other man to going to Shoppers to grab a Valentine’s Day present.

(for the Americans reading this: Shoppers = Duane Reade, it’s a chain of drugstores)

First. Let me explain something: I don’t believe in Valentine’s Day. If I want romance I want it because it’s Tuesday, or Thursday…hell even Sunday afternoon. I do not want it once a year because Hallmark told you to.

But for every non-believer, there are at least 5 others who believe. If you don’t know where the woman in your life stands on this issue, today is too late to find out; you’re going have to guess and hope you guess well. But, as I said, I will try to help. I’ll break down the general categories of women and give you my view on how to approach the situation.

The Sidepiece…

(insert judgmental look and dramatic  sigh here) If you have a side (tossed) salad along with your main “love”, you can at least acknowledge what she does for you in some little way. You know she’s sitting at home wasting her time on your cheating ass, so call (from your disposable or work phone), send and e-greeting(from your alternate email account) or toss a bouquet of (grocery store) roses at her door and run home to wifey.

Friend With Benefits (FWB)…

If the arrangement is on the up and up, chances are you don’t need to do a thing. Because you’ve been honest about your feelings, the situation and both of you know that today is a day for lovers, not buddies. Good for you.  If you’re in the grey area and aren’t sure if feelings have been caught, err on the side of caution and at least send a text or something. Joke about coming over for a little V-Day of a different kind (ahem, as in vagina). Oh, and make sure she doesn’t have alternate plans. Yes. You’re not exclusive remember? What, you expected her to be sitting with phone in hand like a sidepiece?

Oh, have you caught feelings? Some might recommend that today is the day you declare them.

STOP. I repeat… STOP.

To do it today can be misinterpreted as “shit. I’m feeling left out. Meh. We already have sex…why not?”

If you like her and want to take it to the next level, tell her on the weekend. Do not tell her on a day that makes you seem desperate for a relationship and that you’re willing to “settle”.

The Girl You’re Dating…

She’s not your girlfriend, but she might as well be, right? You share activities, sex, intimacy and hell, you’ve met each other’s best friends. Today is a day where you can definitely try the grand gesture. You can say something like, “it looks like we’re headed in that direction…I thought maybe we could take it to the next level? If neither of us are seeing anyone else at this point…?”

Blah blah blah…you think you’re in love…blah blah blah…become very important to me. Whatever you say, just make sure it’s from the heart and honest. If she’s at that point, she’ll be ready to jump in with both feet. Add the candlelit dinner decorated with her favourite flowers? This is the story she’ll be telling everyone the next day.  Go big though. I once was watching a TV show with a guy I was dating and there was a romantic declaration scene in a room filled with candles. I swooned and then said, “pffft, this kind of shit only ever happens on TV…”

A few days later, I walked into a candle lit room. He said, “I wanted to show you that this shit doesn’t just have to happen on TV…”

(p.s. a $3 pack of IKEA candles, see how easy it is?)

Your Girlfriend (live in or out)…

Honey, if you haven’t prepared something by now? Get thee to a chocolatier, a cupcake shop, or a spa for a gift certificate. But get there STAT. All of these places are equipped to handle last-minute requests. Florists are a bit trickier; sure they order extra today, but really? Do you realize how many of you are running out on your lunch breaks right now to have a bouquet thrown together?

TIP: A single lily or some tulips or daisies can show that you were thinking outside the box and score your some points. Just don’t get carnations. Gah.

Presents. I haven’t mentioned presents yet. I will now. Presents are for girlfriends and wives. Dinners…gift certificates…those are all nice. But when I say presents, I mean tangible, something that will last more than a week. You don’t have to go to Tiffany’s (although…just sayin’), but maybe something that points towards a future together, or that you see yourself lasting beyond the end of the week…

Fuck it. It’s already lunchtime on Valentine’s Day. Tiffany & Co. it is. Or any store that sells pretty necklaces.

Your Wife and/or the Mother of Your Children…

If I find out that ANY of you went to Shoppers (Duane Reade) I’mma have you hunted down and beaten with wet sponges.

Valentine’s day is for HER (y’all get this day) Take her to her favourite restaurant (or cook), make sure the kids are tucked in or with a sitter or with your parents. Go to the movie she wants to see (you can go see shit get blown up on the weekend); dress the way that she likes you to dress. Go all out. Ever wonder how Cliff and Claire Huxtable had 5 children? Because he did shit like this! 

Oh. And there better be presents for her!

Step 1: buy a piece of jewelry

Step 2: go to Godvia and pick out three truffles

Step 3: have them place the piece of jewelry in the box of truffles and seal the box

Watch her face go from “oh, just chocolate…? To “OMIGOD” in 30 seconds.

Bonus points…

Music. So many of you forget music to set the mood. Download asap

DJ Kariz’s FIRST CRUSH VOLUME 2

DJ Starting From Scratch’s AMNESIA VALENTINES SLOW JAM MIX BY DJ STARTING FROM SCRATCH

Okay. That’s it. Good luck.

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