I got a new puppy recently and I had to get his horny little ass fixed. I indulgently took a picture of him with his surgical cone on, and he looked so miserable, I immediately thought, “this is what I imagine a dude must feel like after being shot down…”
It’s the end of the year, and I could easily do a list of “don’ts”, but instead I want you to think about where you might have gone a little bit wrong when dealing with women this year…those moments when you felt like your balls had just been removed.
In fact, from now on, I’m going to call those occasions “Poor Puppy” moments. The next few posts will highlight some of these moments and provide the same advice that I’ve given guys who have come to me and asked what to do.
Let’s start with:
The Friend Zone
This is probably the worst of the “Poor Puppy” moments that doesn’t involve sex…especially since it will NEVER involve sex. You’ve been friends with her for a while (or a few weeks). You really enjoy hanging out with her and you’re really feeling her. Maybe it wasn’t right away, but there was a moment for you when you thought “why not?”
Inspired by romantic comedies, you’ve taken those awkward moments between the two of you as signs that there’s something there. So you muster up the courage and try to either hint at something more…suggest a date…attempt to seduce/kiss her…or you give her the “why don’t we…” speech.
However, you’re not in a movie and as you start talking, you realize that once she realizes where you going, she gives you the longest blank stare (or if on the phone, silence) you’ve ever seen (heard). She doesn’t look disgusted or anything…she just looks like you’ve asked her to solve an equation from a Beautiful Mind. She looks slightly panicked. She’s holding her breath. She’s looking for the nearest emergency exit or pretends that she has call on the other line…
You keep talking, because you can’t stop talking, but you really wish that you could stop talking and you think that she wants you to stop talking…
So you stop talking.
Next, is when she then starts with the “I really don’t see you in that way”-type speech. Don’t turn this into a debate and try to counter her points. Let her talk. LISTEN to the reasons as to why she wouldn’t want you as a boyfriend. She’s going to tell you things like she “values your friendship”; she’s sees you “like a brother”; and she “doesn’t want to ruin what (we) have”.
Blah blah blah.
She’s not going to tell you that she doesn’t find you attractive (usually the number one reason), or that she’s hung up on someone else (a close second), or that there’s no chemistry and that she genuinely doesn’t see you in that way.
C’mon. You have encountered women that you’ve had zero sexual attraction to, so it is possible. It just sucks that this is the only possibility.
So what do you do?
You retreat. Lick your wounds and evaluate. What you should NOT be doing is trying to match her criteria. She’s chosen your friendship for a series of reasons. What she chooses for a boyfriend could include these reasons, but there are other things that she’s looking for in a boyfriend (or for some of you who aimed lower, a Friend with Benefits) that you don’t have. Her telling you that she doesn’t see you in that way doesn’t mean that you suddenly change who you are in an effort to have her see you differently.
Go ahead, try it. You will change. Other people will see that change and they’ll think you’re a chump, but well…
She will never see that change. She will see the SAME guy trying to be someone he’s not. I would love it if everyone had a series of screenwriters plotting out their lives (personally, I would hire Aaron Sorkin), but you plot out your life. By changing, you’re simply letting her write the ending.
So, as I said…evaluate.
Can you handle being just friends? Can she still come to you and whine about boy problems? Can you still hang out and go for coffee without wondering what could’ve been, if you had just done ________. Can you refrain from imagining what sex would be like with her?
If you can say yes…
If you can’t… Move on.
There is no point in hanging on. You are only doing damage to your already damaged ego.
You need ego repair.
Do not seek out a female friend/relative to help you figure this out. You don’t need to figure this out. She told you she doesn’t see you that way. There is nothing left to figure out. Women cannot sympathize with you because we don’t know what it feels like to have our testicles emotionally removed.
Seek out your boys. Suit up, seek out the Barney Stinson of your crew and go girl hunting. Mmmmhmm. Yes darling boy, you need ego repair. Go out and be funny, charming, dashing, and slightly asshole-ish, and remember that there are women out there who will want to date you, who will not just want to go for coffee, and who will want to do strange and dirty things to you…
Oh, and you know what’s a really great pickup line?
“I was hung up on this girl but she only wants to be friends…(shrug).”
(Insert “awwwww” here).
Very important: there must be an air of optimism when you say this; you cannot act like a Poor Puppy and you cannot go into detail about what happened. Even if she asks. If you act like a Poor Puppy or tell her the gory details, you might as well go back to the beginning of this post and start reading again.
Wait for her to try and cheer you up.
Close the deal. Rinse with a drink and repeat.
By morning, you should feel better. If you’re still pining for that girl, eat some ice cream or something and then stop feeling sorry for yourself.