Well. When a girl has been absent from blogging, she better come back with something to say, right?
Back to the source of this headline: yes. I’ve been absent from the blog, collecting new stories, answering questions and searching for answers. I’ve been working at my day job, my other thing, that other thing that I do, oh and I just started work on…You get it. I’ve been busy. But, although I’ve been busy, I’ve been spending time with friends at dinners and brunches, catching up on emails, g-chatting and having lots and lots of cocktails/cock-tales…
(actually, it’s been more of the cock-tale variety as my tolerance for alcohol has turned me into a cheap drunk. But I digress again…)
At one dinner alone, I saw three separate penis pictures. Three. That’s one for each course. Each had a story (and one, I think, needed medical attention)…one story was that she asked the guy to send a picture of himself. He chose a semi-erect cock shot.
Then, I’m chilling at the spa one day, and one of the aestheticians had multiple pictures on her phone. Dude had sent her the 12 days of dickmass; various shots of his swollen (and impressive) member, all shot from various angles at different times of the day and, interestingly enough, many included his face. He had no problem revealing what he had; what he didn’t reveal was that he had a girlfriend.
One day in casual conversation with a guy, he offered to send me a penis pic. So I need to ask: are your penises the new business card? I like penis as much as the next straight girl, but I’m not sure that I need to see that as a text message at 2 in the afternoon when we’ve only just met. I just want to be clear on something: you know when you receive a picture of a girl’s coochie and you show it to your boys? Women do the same thing.
But this is where things differ: you guys take a look and go “damn” and congratulate each other on the latest addition to your sexual scrapbook. If the girl pisses you off, you post it on Facebook or Twitter (if she hasn’t done it herself already) and then, when you’re bored, you’re on to the next.
You send a pic of your penis to a girl, she’s not just using it as, “ahem” inspiration. She’s shown that pic to two friends, forwarded it to her best friend, shown it to a couple of coworkers, a bartender at the club, her aesthetician and a few people over dinner. Each of those times, your pic is studied, zoomed in on and critiqued.
Yes. Your penis is being rated.
The ratings range from “ooooh” to “ewwww”. If it looks small, you’re getting laughed at…we don’t care if you were at the pool or just came out of the shower and that there was some shrinkage. We will laugh at your tiny dick.
We will rate your grooming. As one of the women said about one of the penises I’ve seen recently, “where is it? I can’t see the tree for the forest…” We aren’t asking you to wax your balls or anything, but a little grooming goes a long way. Besides, I’m sure I’ve said this already: it will make your dick look bigger! Win-win!
We rate when you compare yourselves to other objects. Thank you for holding your erect penis against a ruler/measuring tape/your AF1’s to show me how long it is. Oooh daddy, you don’t know how much of a turn on that is… (eye roll)
We rate when you send us a penis that couldn’t possibly be your own. I once received a penis pic from a dude. My response “uh, unless you have vitiligo, I don’t think this is yours.” He was trying to be funny you see, because the penis was a micro penis. As my girl who saw it said, “uhm…dude is on the internet looking at dicks? This is what’s hot now?” Do not send a still from Boogie Nights or a porn flick. We’ve seen those movies; we can tell!
We rate the location. Your intended recipient may not notice right away, but we see the dirty boxer briefs on the floor by the toilet; the stubble in the sink; the bible by your bedside. We will point these little photo flaws out to your intended recipient and we will laugh. Oh yes, the du-rag/sunglasses camouflage so we can’t recognize you right away?
Coochie pics are usually hinted at, requested, solicited…begged for. But a lot of penis pics are of the “tada! Look what I can do!” variety. They show up in our inboxes, DMs, private messages, text messages and BBMs. That whole sneak attack method? Kind of disturbing dude.
Ohhhhhh. You know that other DUDES are seeing your penis pics, right? Guy friends have seen it. Her boyfriend might’ve come across it in her personal effects. The guy at the Genius Bar might’ve seen it when fixing her phone. That wasn’t what you were expecting when you hit “send”, now was it?
Bottom line: make sure your dick looks good, clean up the bathroom/bedroom before taking the pic, and most of all: make sure she wants to see a picture of your penis. Because that’s the only way it’s going to have any chance of remaining for her eyes only.