The “Boyfriend” Question

Many who know me have only known me in the past few years; they know the happy go lucky and very single HLBB. Do you know why I’m single?

BECAUSE RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD! Yes. People, they’re hard. I can work 60-hours a week, juggle 3-4 different high-level tasks, tweet, type, drink coffee, be high maintenance, and a whole bunch of other stuff. But have a boyfriend?

I’d rather cook.

This has come up often in conversation, and of course it lead to a bunch of questions about what I look for in a man, why I’m single, blah blah blah. Finally, one friend who is aware of my “list”, challenged me:

“…okay, fine. You know what you’re looking for in a man. But what does it take to actually be your boyfriend? What combination of qualities would make you happily give up your single status?” I stared blankly at the screen and wrote back, “Do you have Lenny Kravitz’s phone number?”

Then, a friend of mine asked via Twitter: “Ladies what do you look for in a man? What are some key attributes?”

I told another friend about the tweet and she challenged me to answer, in blog form.

Seriously. I’d rather cook.

But here goes… 11 key attributes (besides being Lenny Kravitz) that make some guy my (almost) perfect boyfriend.

Funny: Not “sense of humour”. I mean I have to find you funny. I have spent many years dealing with melancholy motherfuckers…trying to bolster their spirits, chase away their demons (both real and chemically induced) and be that positive beacon of light in the relationship. Here’s the problem: I’m a melancholy motherfucker. Which meant that I had to try three – no, FOUR – times as hard to make my relationships a “good thing” in my life. So I have to find your ass fun to be around. Your jokes will make me laugh. Your laugh will trigger me to laugh. Making me laugh is not as easy at it might seem. I find it hilarious when little kids fall down, okay? I love this book. I hate Curb Your Enthusiasm and you’ll never get me to watch Jackass. Now, go make me laugh.

Ambitious: Ambition/drive/determination is my biggest turn on. If you’re a laid back easygoing type of fellow, keep it moving. Oh, don’t come to me with that “I’mma get my paper”, or “I’m a hustler” type shit. That’s really great. I would hope you’re hustling. Guess what? So am I. You have to have so much going on that you make me look lazy. Your ambitions aren’t just related to work and getting paper. You have personal goals that you’re working on (spiritual, physical, whatever), because it’s not enough to be a workaholic. Why? I’m a workaholic. Someone has to be able to make me want to leave the laptop behind every once in a while.

Smart: The moment I hear a man say with wonder in his voice “wow, you’re smart”, or if I have to explain something to you more than once because you don’t bother to read the paper, I will mentally write you off. Teach me something.

Sexy: don’t assume that what I would find sexy will be what another woman finds sexy. You? You have to make me turn my head more than once when coming into view. You must do this for the entire length of our relationship. If I don’t have the desire to jump your bones when you walk by…we’re not lasting. Speaking of lasting…

Stamina: That is all.

Romantic: Yes. Go figure, huh? But this is why: I’m the girl truly forgets to stop and smell the roses. Because of my “tough girl” (someone else’s words not mine) demeanour, it’s assumed that I don’t like flowers. I’m a sucker for (the right kind of) flowers, candle-lit dinners, and (the right kind of) surprises. However…

Be imaginative: Don’t send me roses. Don’t have a candle-lit dinner at a restaurant known for candle-lit dinners and don’t show up at my office with a singing telegram type of surprise. *yaaaaaawwwwn*

Handle your vices: I’d prefer a man who didn’t drink, but if he must, he better know how. Drugs? No. None at all. No…not even weed. Smoking? Meh. I’d prefer if you didn’t, but it just means you’ll get kissed less.

Loyalty/Fidelity: This is very very important. I don’t care how many women you look at, flirt with, or are friends with. I need to know that your heart (and dick) are mine. If you’re with me, you come home to me. If we are dating (ahem, fucking) then no one needs to know my (our) business. But if we are in a committed relationship, I don’t ever want to even hear you attempt to say “well, I don’t need people talking about my personal life…”, ” I don’t need to advertise my status…” Oh no, motherfucker, if you are my boyfriend, you are telling random strangers on the street and you’re proud to do so (but don’t ever call me “wifey”; I’ll rip out your tongue).

Challenge me…don’t try to control me: “free spirit” isn’t exactly the right phrase, but “fiercely independent” seems a little much. My personality/temperament falls somewhere between the two. So, to be with me requires a set of brass ones because, apparently I’m intimidating (heh…again, someone else’s words). Also, my way of being has inspired a few men to try and “domesticate” me…have me see things “their” way…and yes, “tame” me. Really? They all failed, miserably.

Chemistry: I can’t list what makes this happen, I don’t know the formula and I don’t want to find out. When we click, we click. That’s all.

Now, some of you will be thinking “pffft…that’s not much”. But a boyfriend is in the eye of the beholder. So often, we’ll overlook the qualities that may be of benefit to us in favour of what is comfortable or known. For me to want a funny, romantic, ambitious man out of my boyfriend is waaaaay out of my comfort zone.

So until we meet, I’m happy being single.

There. Ya happy now?


7 thoughts on “The “Boyfriend” Question

  1. really you’d rather cook?…. then focus your gaze for a moment….

    Mac & Cheese…. wine..delicacies… mixed with amazing kisses… something to take you away… yet wait…..something holds you still…what is this hold??? I want to know as well…


    • Ah, I see you’re new around here in these comments.

      When I say “I’d rather cook” it’s because of all the things in this world, cooking ranks up there near the top of things I despise.

      Mac n’ cheese? Hmmm. Wine? Don’t drink any wine unless it sparkles (and then only sparingly – gives me headache). Amazing kisses…not all kisses are supposed to be amazing.

      (see why my ex-boyfriends have always had it so hard? 😉 )

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