Making a list and checking it twice…

I was having yet another marathon conversation with the BBFF the other night and he said something that annoyed me…granted, we’re like brother and sister, so most of the things he says annoys me. We were talking about dating and he claimed that women compare one guy to the next.

Hold the fuck up.

No. No. NO.

GIRLS compare one guy to the next. That’s how you end up with a chick that has more baggage than Kimora Lee Simmons when she goes on vacation. WOMEN aren’t comparing you to some dude that came before you…they’re comparing you to “the list”.

I’ll admit, I have a list…a few women I know have a list…hell one of my twitter followers named her list “Tim” (love this).

Yesterday, I met a woman who had married her high school sweetheart and yup, they didn’t last. She then dated and went through the ups downs and bullshit that comes with dating after divorce. Then, she sat down and wrote out a 2-page list of all the qualities she wanted in a man. She then met a dude and realized that she was checking off lots of things on her list…eventually, she checked off everything and they got married. In a bit of irony, the one thing she left off the list was “great dresser” and as the fates would have it, her husband is the “worst dressed man (she) has ever been with…” but she wouldn’t trade him for anything else in this world.

Okay, so let me educate you a little about these “lists”. Some women will maintain that they don’t have a list…but they do (it’s just a list of pure “don’ts” as opposed to “do’s and don’ts” . Some women will freely admit how many pages or items are on said list (mine was 100 items, but I whittled it down to 97). Women who have this list usually have this list for a variety of reasons, but she will never ever EVER share this list with a man who is being evaluated against it.

The origins of the list…

Usually it’s the result of a bad breakup (or, a series of them) Once that relationship died, the woman realized that she wasted a lot of time on a man who wasn’t worthy of all that time. Time that could’ve been better spent on a man who deserved it.

As the woman who had the two page list said, “if I had known he existed, I would have never married my first husband, I wouldn’t have wasted ANY time on the guys in between and I would’ve jumped straight to him. The list is to remind the creator of what to avoid (which she’ll call a “deal breaker” list) or what she needs to have in a man.

What’s on the list?

Yes, yes, I know you want to know. But like snowflakes and assholes, no two lists are alike. If it’s a “what I want” list, then it includes physical attributes, personality traits and lifestyle choices. Rarely does this list start off with the physical attributes – hah, you thought they would all start with “tall dark and handsome” right? Nope. Because I’m not privy to other women’s lists, I’ve dug up mine (no, we don’t look at them daily) to give you a few examples of what is on these types of lists:

makes me laugh/ makes me think/has tattoos (limited piercings) / loves to read/ loves to dance and knows how/ doesn’t do drugs/ not taller than 6’, but taller than me by at least 4 inches/ doesn’t drink or drinks as little as I do/ great eyes/ loves that I’m a nerd/gets my sense of humour and shares it/ can make me sleep – get me to relax/ has read the NY Times and has attempted the crossword puzzle/ will never try to get me to do something I don’t want to do/wants to make an impact…

sidebar: no internet lotharios, this is not a cheat sheet to help you get into my panties…I gave you 15 items out of 97, good fucking luck.

Now, see how this sampling had really little to do with looks? Don’t get me wrong, because that stuff appears on lists as well. But what is fundamental about any woman’s list are just that: the fundamentals. The list reflects her past relationships, but it’s not a list of ghosts from boyfriends past. The list is for when she is serious about you and wants to know if there is a future. The list contains insight into her values, her beliefs and her sincere wishes for her life…the life she may (or may not share with you.

Why do they have lists?

They – ahem, we – have lists because we’ve experienced enough of what we DON’T want from a man. Lists are not created out of frustration…lists aren’t created because a woman is lonely…and nope, they aren’t created because of anger. Lists are created out of necessity. She needs to make sure that now she has experienced enough of what she doesn’t want, she is focusing her energy on what she does want. It doesn’t mean that if you’re not her whole list, you don’t stand a chance; it means you just don’t don’t stand a long-term chance.

Lists are based on experience; something only a woman has…this is why girls can only compare one man to the next…they have nothing else to really go on, because they haven’t experienced enough. Yes, yes…one of you is going to say “but HLBB, if the list is based on experiences, isn’t she just comparing one guy to a whole heap of other guys?”

Dramatic sigh…

No. Her EXPERIENCES with other guys.

How do you know you’re being compared?

Hmmm. You don’t really. Me sharing the items above has been the first time I’ve shared any of the list outside a small circle of friends. That’s the point of the list… no woman is going to sit down and pull out o a clipboard on date one and check off the items (if she does, you really don’t need a date two; in fact you don’t even need to finish the first date). She will, at various times ask questions related to this list such as “how do you feel about dogs?”. It’ll seem random, but it will add up to her.

Don’t ask, don’t look.

That’s what I’m here for. Don’t go asking her if she has a list. That’s like her asking which folder on the desktop contains the porn collection. Be content knowing that it’s there. She may not be reviewing it daily, but know that if you’re being compared to it in any way…you’ve done enough at this point to get on the list.

Oh yeah, one more thing….

Penis size is on just about every list *HLBB shrug*. Yeah. Mine too.  Not gonna lie. So’s money, but not that “he’s rich”, it usually shows up as “good with money” “knows how to make and spend responsibly” or “can handle his money”.

Ladies: what say you? Do you have a list? Care to share what items might be on yours?

Clarification: an observant reader pointed out that what I said in the post “Size Does(n’t) Matter”, kinda contradicts since I say women have penis size on their list. Yup. We don’t want micropenises. Some of us want penises as big as forearms. Girth is more important than length. But the above all else, we want you to know how to USE the damn thing, regardless of size.  So I stand by both statements, as contradictory as it may seem. xoxo/hlbb

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7 thoughts on “Making a list and checking it twice…

  1. Um, is the list about what the woman wants from men based on what she’s been through or is it about what she wants based on what type of person she is? There is a salient difference between the too.

      • I agree past experience help shape the person that you are today; however I don’t give people benefit of the doubt when it comes to self-reflection and even if they I don’t assume they put what they discovered about self into practice. In my experience, I’ve seen failure make people more apt to becoming bitter than enlightened.

      • You assume that all experiences or choices on the list are based on failure.

        For example, one woman said that she has “loves to cook” on her list. Not because she hates cooking or had a bad experience with cooking with an ex. It was actually because an ex showed her how much fun it was to cook as a pair…so now in her future relationships, she wants to be able to share that experience.

        As I said, these lists are based on moments of self-reflection and from a woman’s desire for personal growth…the true lists are. A woman who has a list that is all about the superficial is still a girl who hasn’t experienced much. There is a difference.

  2. really? the size of the penii?
    i’d rather have someone that can satisfy me sexually than get specific about size.
    size means diddly-poo if he’s a selfish lover.

    i’ve thought about making a list, but then i come across a blog post that says women need to throw their lists out and just live and let love come to them.

    so my conflicted, confused and single self..stays list-less. for now. lol.

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