Sex Al Fresco…

Al fresco is an Italian phrase that typically refers to activities done outdoors, like dining, or painting…

Yeah well, I’m going to talk about sex.

One night I was out walking and I wondered, “how many people have had sex in this particular area? Or this one? Hmmm…” The rest of my walk was then spent figuring out the logistics of sex al fresco, which lead me to a bit of research. Now that summer is really about to start, I thought I’d give you a few tips:

Dress Code:

Yes, sex al fresco is normally a spontaneous thing, but if you are planning it, you want to make sure that both of you have clothing that can be easily adjusted, pulled off, up, etc. For the ladies, this includes dresses and skirts of just about any length. They just can’t be too tight (this is what complicates things if you get caught). Guys, linen pants or dress pants are your friends…do NOT wear button fly jeans or wear skinny jeans. Don’t believe me? Try getting those things on and off in 10 seconds…

(and if you are a man and you own a pair of skinny jeans, I’m giving you a severe side eye right now…)

Panties? The beauty of dresses and skirts are that panties become optional. I would recommend that she wears them at the beginning of the evening, but once they come off, they stay off.

Environmental Hazards

The only thing worse than carpet burns are splinters in your ass (so I’ve been told), so if you’re planning on having outdoor sex, bring a blanket or something to put on that bench.

As for sex on a beach, that’s best left as a cocktail, because if there is anything worse than a splinter up the ass, it’s sand up a woman’s coochie (so I’ve been told).

Humidity is not your friend and even though the idea of hot hazy sex sounds great, I’ve got one word for you: mosquitoes. The only thing worse than…okay, I think you’re getting the point. But a little rain can be beneficial, you get wet without having submerged sex, which is a no (more on that later) and rain chases people inside.

Real Estate

Location, location, location…

Outdoor sex requires a great location. One that’s secluded, but not so secluded that it still feels like you’re inside. One that’s accessible, but it can’t be too accessible, because then everyone will be there. It can’t be too lit, because then people will see you; but it can’t be too dark, otherwise you’ll be fumbling all over the place. Now, you can cheat a little on location, and have sex in or on car or on a balcony or patio. But we’re talking outdoors here, not outside with doors.

Alleyways

Pros: secluded, lit, but not too well lit.

Cons: have you ever SMELLED an alleyway? Nope. Not having it.

Parks

Pros: the popular choice, since it has a variety of surfaces, hiding spots, etc. If it’s the kind that has a playground? Voila! Instant sex swing!

Cons: they’re popular…chances are someone has beat you to it. Speaking of popularity, they’re also a popular choice for addicts and for those with no place to sleep. Oh yeah, raccoons also like to have sex outdoors…and you know how territorial those feral little fuckers can be.

Pools, jacuzzis, and open bodies of water

Pros: It’s oh so sexy…everyone does it in the movies.

Cons: Movies lie. Water washes away a woman’s natural lubrication. Condoms fall off or the chlorine will degrade them. You also better be good swimmers (I’m not talking about sperm here) or this becomes a not so safe option.

Camping

Pros: you can provide your own seclusion, or not and all you creature comforts are at the ready. Ooooh…sex by a fire.

Cons: while raccoons are feral, bears can kill. If there are any accidents causing injury, you’re not that close to a hospital. Ever burned your hand while making s’mores? Well…ouch.

Oh, and before one of you writes me and says “what about the club?” I say three things…

1) ick

2) read the first sentence of this post again, I said “OUTDOORS”

3) unless your name is Usher, GTFOHWTBS and that tired ass line

Timing is important

Some of you brave souls will have sex at high noon… but for those trying to avoid tickets for public indecency or looks of condemnation from passersby, you will want to have sex in the wee hours. So, depending on how high you want the risk factor to be (and admit it, having sex outdoors adds that little bit of thrill doesn’t it?), make note of the following times:

10 p.m. – 12 a.m.

There is still too much traffic for areas such as parks and alleyways. If you’re out camping, people may still be up at neighbouring sites, but who cares? At that point they’ve been drinking all damn day and wouldn’t notice.

12 a.m. – 2 a.m.

Cops are on high alert as bars and clubs are beginning to let out, you definitely run the risk of getting caught.

2 a.m. – 3 a.m.

3 a.m. girls… ‘nuff said.

So when is the ideal time? That would be between 3:30 and 7 a.m. Those who are out for the night are home (or are already having sex in the park). The street sweepers are done, restaurants are closed and the cops are busy writing up reports for the people they arrested between 10 p.m. and 3 a.m. Even if they didn’t arrest anyone, they’re at the station, writing up shift reports before they go off duty at 7 a.m. Oh, and a cop once told me the worst time to actually try sex al fresco is during a long weekend…more people means more cops and increases your chances of getting caught.

Take a nap this afternoon. Google map the nearest parks and note if the gates close at a certain hour. Make sure your girl is wearing dress tonight. Wear boxes or boxer briefs (tighty whities are not an option and if you own them, know I’m giving you another side eye right now). Pack a blanket. Pack protection in the form of bug spray, bear repellent and condoms. Hope for a little rain (unless you’re with a Black woman, then pray for it to not even be foggy out) and enjoy your (post) midnight marauding…

(Oh yeah, try not to wake the neighbourhood…)

P.S. if you want to know if folks are in favour of sex al fresco…I took a poll a little while ago. Check the results for yourself…

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