I’ll admit it. I had a feeling this was coming. It’s why I wanted to spend more time with you; on some deeper level I knew. I thought I’d try to prevent it by strengthening our ties.
But when I look back on this moment, I’ll have to admit to myself that I knew you were going to dump me. Before you do…
Please don’t lie to me. I know that somewhere in the great man manual the instructions, it says, “lie”. I know that the man dem will tell you to lie. Your past experiences in telling the truth resulted in the bitch “going crazy” on your ass, so you think it’s best to lie (more on that later). Please, if you have any respect for me…if you ever loved me…if I am the mother of your child(ren), if I was your wife or you even just referred to me as your “wifey”, give me the respect that I’ve earned throughout the course of our relationship and tell me the truth.
Whatever you tell me is going to upset me, so I’d rather hate you for that moment than hate you forever.
Don’t email me. Don’t text me. At the very least call me. But really, you should man up and tell me face to face; it’s the only way I might be able to salvage some respect for you once the emotional dust has settled.
(Anything else is cowardly.)
I am going to get angry. I’m hurt. You’ve at the very least wounded my ego and at the very worst destroyed my entire world… what do you expect me to do? This isn’t me “causing a scene” or “being dramatic”…this is me expressing hurt. I may get rude, I may tell you about your parts and chances are I’m going to cry. This will be unavoidable.
Oh, I see, this is why you did it by email. To avoid all that and to spare yourself my tears. That’s why you’ll be considered a coward.
Let’s face it: there is no such thing as a “good breakup”…it will either be awkward, sad, angry or explosive. I might blame myself; I might blame you. But blame will be placed somewhere. If I start to blame myself, this is NOT the time to tell me what a wonderful person I am or to use any version of “it’s not you it’s me”. I know it’s you dammit. It’s YOU dumping ME! Because if I were so fucking wonderful, you wouldn’t be dumping ME in the first place!
So let my friends tell me that I’m wonderful. Let my friends tell me that I can (and deserve) better. You? Come armed with reasons as to why “we” don’t work…why “we” want different things…why “we” will be better off without each other. Don’t make this about you and again, you better not make this about me. This way, I can separate the me from we and begin to move on.
I might take a few steps back. Check in on (stalk) you on Facebook. Email you at odd hours. Try to make small talk on GChat. You need to avoid me during this time. Yes. It’s for my own good. I can’t get you out of my system if you’re still a part of my operating system, y’know? So avoid me and if you’re trying to avoid the drama, follow that breakup checklist that’s floating around. If we’ve had an awkward breakup or a sad one, maybe we can eventually work our way back to being friends. If we’ve had an angry one, let’s keep our distance for as long as possible. But if it was explosive….? Have you ever seen the aftermath of an explosion? You don’t come back from that, you can try to rebuild, but the fact of the matter is, it was destroyed.
I don’t know how I’m going to feel about you tomorrow… or next week…or next year. I may regret having ever met you or will eventually see the good that was our relationship and the good about you breaking up with me. But the only way I’m going to get any clarity is through time and distance. Resist the urge to “check in” on me for a while. If we have mutual friends, check through them. But leave me out of your process and try to keep yourself out of mine.
I won’t be giving back any presents. Don’t even ask. If we have exchanged family heirlooms, ask for them back. I may bitterly throw your grandmother’s ring in your face, but at least you’ll have it back. But if you come asking for it in a year’s time…? (insert screwface here)
If we share a pet, we’ll have to eventually talk about custody. But I’m thinking you should at least leave me with the pet; no need in kicking me while I’m down. If we share property, buy me out or let me buy you out. If we can’t do that, sell it.
Children. This bond cannot be undone. We will be connected for the rest of our lives through them. You’re leaving me, but don’t ever, ever leave them. I may get vindictive and try to punish you through them (withholding access, badmouthing etc) and for that I’m a fucking bitch. I won’t ever admit to it, but it’s wrong. But please, for the sake of our child(ren), make the effort to get past me and my bullshit. I may hate you, but I’ll have no choice but to respect you.
If our relationship was significant in any way then I think you should break the news to me when you’ve moved on. I don’t want to hear about you getting engaged because a mutual friend sends me a text. Yes, it will almost be like a replay of the breakup (hurt, anger, maybe some tears), but it’s better that you do it than have me show up on your wedding day, isn’t it?
I am not your “crazy” ex. So, no matter how crazy I may act, don’t call me that. One: it’s probably not a fair assessment of my feelings in the moments during and after our breakup. Two: it’s a red flag to any other woman when you tell her that I’m crazy. She’s going to wonder why…and what will you tell her?
Last but not least: the breakup sex better be the best sex we ever have…
One day I might miss you. But it won’t be today…