A debate…

Having a debate about “types” and what women look for in a man and dude brings up the “women marry their fathers” Oedipal/Freudian thing…

(Don’t know what I’m talking about? Wiki it, I don’t have enough blog space to get into it)

So of course, when this comes up, I throw out my wild card: “what about women who didn’t grow up with a fathers?”

(Yes, I would be one of those women…)

Granted, I know that my father figures (my uncle and two much older cousins) have influenced my idea of  what an ideal man for me is, but I’ve never been involved with a man who was equal parts goofy nerd and lovable asshole; a spotlight stealer working behind the scenes using his savant like intelligence to create his world (oh and who can cook…). It’s generally been one or two of these things and, yes, if I found a man who was all of this in one package, I’d get down on one knee.

(I said one knee you dirty birds)

So ladies, I ask you: for a man of significance (relationship material) do you think you consciously look for the qualities that remind you of your father (figure)?

Speak on it in the comments.


16 thoughts on “A debate…

  1. I think I look for men who are somewhat like my father. Our relationship makes me realize that I want my husband to have some of his qualities (the good ones) but definitely not all of them. Either way, our relationship is very influential on what I look for in men.

  2. Yup, the things that my father encompasses and the relationship between he and my mother greatly effects what I look for in a man and how I give and receive love.

    Also, things about him/their relationship that I can’t STAND influence what I look for in a mate as well. lol

  3. i stay FAR away from men that are like my father…
    i don’t date men his race, ethnic group, cultural background, or that look like him, act like him, sound like him etc… maybe it is reverse Oedipal complex…

      • sure… i grew up with a man that was a great dude, easy to get a long with, had plenty of friends, life of the party, horrible father and horrible husband… he was the ultimate ladies man, he even had an affair with one of my closets friends mother… i got taken to many a jump offs house and would come home talking about titi carmen gave it to me… when i was young i had no idea what it was about him whether it was the fact that he was caucasian but born and raised in jamaica, whether it was he was irish, whether it was his unique view of the world due to his racial upbringing with in his cultural group ( he considers himself 100% jamaican because he had never been to ireland & his parents moved to jamaica in the 1930s and never went back to ireland either) or what but i knew i wanted NO PARTS OF IT… so i decided to never date men like him… so far that includes, white men, white men that have been mostly socialized around black people, jamaican men, alpha males, men that have a lot of friends, men that everyone likes etc… its too late my type is so ingrained now that i’m much older and can see the difference i am NOT attracted to the above listed men in any way

      • First of all. Thank you for your honesty.

        I can see how that would be an effect and at this stage be ingrained at this point.

        Do you feel that your choices are “limited”? I don’t mean by race… I mean for instance you stay away from men who have lots of friends. Did you mean female friends (“friends”) or friends period?

  4. I actually meant a lot of friends the guy you can’t go anywhere with without bumping into people he knows that just have to say hi. It does limit me a little b/c that excludes many fraternity men, military men and overall funny guys, but I’m ok with that. I know what I am most attracted to are men that are considered “Lone Wolves” quiet, confident, self assured, only has a few close friends, doesn’t talk too much, doesn’t like to party to much, sure of himself and has nothing to prove. I find this quiet introvert SO sexy!! That’s not to say they haven’t dated or can’t handle women, they just do it quietly and on their own terms.

  5. i originally attempted to respond via my phone but i guess that post is floating somewhere along the interwebs 🙂

    i am leery of men with lots and lots of female friends but i will choose him any day over the guy with lots and lots of friends period. they guy that you can’t go anywhere without people stopping to say hello. the guy that every guy calls to round people up, get a party started etc.. that guy.. mr popularity, mr good time, mr phone is ALWAYS ringing, vibrating, lighting up. the one whose place is the hang out spot. i run.

    now am i limited? in theory yes but am i any more limited than a woman that has other deal breakers? i don’t think so. sure i’ve passed on some hot fraternity, military & nypd/nyfd men but i’m good. can’t miss what you never had right?

    so i know that my heart and mind are much more attracted to “lone wolf”… the quiet guy, the introvert (not to be confused with socially awkward) he’s confident but not cocky, he doesn’t have anything to prove, he’s assured of his value but not arrogant, in control of his life, people listen because he doesn’t talk too much flim-flam all the time, he’s sexy but doesn’t even try.

    now does this mean that everything will be sugar and spice and everything nice? they never lie, cheat etc? nope, you still deal with the same typical woman in a relationship issues but at least i’m not dating my father… and that equals peace of mind for me

  6. (I’m a guy but if i can put my 2 cents)

    Psych class a bit rusty, but I think the Freudian idea of the Oedipal complex of men for their mothers (and Elektra (sp?) complex for women for their fathers) is supposed to be a phase people undergo as children. It’s an issue if someone gets stuck in that phase, subconsciously affecting them.

    Maybe, though, we’re modified/defined by the people we’ve interacted in our lives. Only that a parent can leave such a strong impression on us that it has more of a noticeable effect, but other people still have effects on us. As in, it’s the people we have around us that can influence us, not ‘which’ people are around us.

  7. Wow yoles you don’t know how much hope and confidence you just gave me, that some girls out there are looking for those traits. I always see the bad boys/extroverts get all the action and it just crushes my self esteem sometimes.
    I’m exactly like you describe: nice, well mannered, respectful, introverted, quiet, not too many friends, my own man and contempt with that.

    Heck I would ask you out if I knew ya but it’s a shame cuz I’m white =(

    • OnlyYolie’s not the only one! I used to have a bad habit of dating the man who was at the centre of attention…which I thought was a good balance since I like to be behind the scenes.

      Over it now. The quiet guys are the new hot…trust.

  8. I do in some things, in others the idea of him is quite repellent lol.

    I look for his reliability, his appreciation for order. He’s always been a foundation kind of guy- always working, always driven, and I like that.

    On the other hand, he’s quite traditional, and very stubborn, and more than a little autocratic. That’s not what I want in a partner.

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