How Prince William can help you get laid…

If you are a gangly, pale, blonde haired with a big old bald patch and rabbit teeth and bad posture, you can get laid this weekend.

(see what I did there?)

Wedding fever is high this weekend. I noticed it yesterday when I watched the wedding. No I did NOT wake up at 4 a.m. to watch, my besties in Italy in New York woke my ass up at 5:45 to watch.  So I watched. I also observed their reactions and to that of the women on the TV and the internets.

Guys. This weekend is your moment. Don’t let it pass you by.

I was asked prior to the wedding to explain why women were so hyped up about it, but I couldn’t. I had no answer for it because I didn’t understand it myself; I asked women to speak on it, but I didn’t hear back from them. But yesterday…?

Oh hunny bunnies….women all over are believing in LOVE. Not just lust. Not jut lower-case love. But full on “I believe in every fairy tale capital letters shout from the rooftops LOVE.”

So how can Prince William be your wingman?

Do not trash talk the wedding. Don’t talk about how stupid it is, or overblown. Turn your negative thoughts into positives and let her talk about it. The more she talks about how wonderful, magical and romantic the day was, the more in the mood she’ll be. She’ll want to go out and attempt to find a bit of that magic for herself and you’ll be there, waiting with that Bordeaux or gin-filled glass (slipper) in hand.


The best part is, even though the wedding was over 24 hours ago, she’ll still have stars in her eyes (the dress! The hats! Hot Harry! The music! The after party! It was just all soooooo romantic!) . It was as if she was at the wedding of her BFF (even though she has never met Kate). This is what you need to do:

If she talks about the dress…

Don’t: roll your eyes

Do: mention that she looked pretty in the pictures. Leave it at that.

If she talks about Pippa…

Don’t: ask who Pippa is (she’s Kate Middleton’s sister), don’t make fun of her name (it’s a common nickname for girls name Philippa, which is a name with Greek origin).

Oh and a big DON’T… Don’t talk about how HOT she is. She’s hot. Yes. Her body was banging in that dress. She looked like a bride herself.  Don’t mention it how you’d hit that.

If she talks about William…

Don’t: try to compare yourself. He may have rabbit teeth and a bald patch bigger than the ozone layer, but he’s a Prince. You’re not

Do: remark on how cool it is that he’s in the military. His charitable work. How sad it was that his mom wasn’t there yesterday.

If she talks about Harry…

Don’t: wonder how many girls he’s pulled. His a hot prince. He’s had conquests throughout the commonwealth.

Do: joke that he looked a little high. Not James Franco high, but high enough to enjoy the day.

If she talks about the fashion…

Don’t: make fun of the hats.

Do: ask if she would ever wear one of the “mini hats” (the technical term is “fascinator” but unless you are a fashionisto, you won’t sound authentic saying it)

Talk about how precise everything was, that William and Kate looked calm and relaxed even though millions of eyes were on them. Talk about the sullen bridesmaid (don’t talk about the “blowjob”… by the way, how did that happen? Is it a doctored photo?), basically…talk about all the good points.

So, be your best Prince Charming and talk about how everyone wants the fairytale, even guys. Even if it’s just for night…(heh). Ask her about her thoughts and opinions, and let her fall in love with love just a little bit longer…

Now…go out there tonight and get laid.


3 thoughts on “How Prince William can help you get laid…

  1. This actually cracked me up.

    I can’t see myself doin this, but if I did I’d sabotage myself cuz I’m anti-monarchist politically and can’t bite my tongue heh heh

    Another funny thing is, girls were sayin how attractive William was for years. One bald patch and things changed weirdly?

    I’d actually avoid most of the ‘don’t’, except… the bride is hot.

  2. Yep, picked up the tongue-in-cheek nature,. But I found it funnier as I’d bet it could work on a few women somewhere.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s