I admit, I’ve been wanting to use that as the title of a post for a while now…
When a woman isn’t interested in your advances but doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, they (okay, we) use certain phrases to give you the hint. But some of you darling boys just aren’t getting the message that’s being sent.
I know, since I’m always blabbing on about being straightforward and honest, you’re wondering: why don’t we just come out and say it? Every woman has her reasons, but the main one is that we really don’t want to hurt your feelings. We know that if rejected enough times, even the nicest guy in the world will become an asshole and we…well, we don’t want to be the one responsible for adding yet another asshole to the dating pool.
When does <fill in the blank> mean “no”? Here are my top three (and yes, I’ll admit it…I’ve used each one of these)
She says: “I’m really not looking for a relationship right now”
She means: “I’m holding out for something…else. I don’t know what that is just yet, but I know it’s not you.”
Yup. After a few dates (which in her mind were not dates, they were “just coffee”, “just drinks” and “just dinner”), she’s dropping this little factoid into one of your late night conversations as a way of letting you down easy and letting herself off the hook. You see what happened was…
There was a bit of an attraction thing, she thought she’d try it out, but ultimately, there was no spark; no feeling of wanting to rip your clothes off and take you in the middle of dinner; no excitement when she saw your name on her phone.
Now, you’re a good-looking enough guy, relatively smart, and your friends think you’re funny. But you’re just not good-looking, smart or funny enough for her. C’mon…admit it, you’ve been there. How did you explain it to the girl? You probably didn’t… you probably did “a “disappearing act”.
Granted the “I’m not looking for a relationship right now line” is usually used after she has already started to fade a bit herself. She doesn’t initiate communication and when she does respond, it’s takes just a little bit longer than what you have become accustomed to. Finally, what she’ll do is drop this into the conversation along with examples as to why she isn’t “ready” (these would include, work, school, a newfound interest in celibacy as a means to greater spiritual enlightenment…*). To her, sitting there and telling you that you’re just not “enough” seems harsh, so she thought she’d do it this way (i.e. cop out). Also, if you are really into her and she knows it, she knows she runs the risk of you working that much harder to be “enough”.
Even if you became “enough”, you would never be “enough” for her though…does that make sense? Yes, it’s bullshit, she’s not really giving you a chance, but cut your losses and move on hunny bunny…why spend time with someone who doesn’t think you’re good enough?
She says: “Didn’t you used to date…?”
She means: “No. I don’t want to fuck you and I’m invoking the ‘chicks before dicks’ clause that is an unwritten rule in every female relationship.”
This is what happens when you try to date within your friendship circle and why I usually advise against it. Just because one girl in the circle fucked (with) you, doesn’t mean that you have any chance with the others…
True story: A few years ago, I met a guy and found out that we had people in common. One of those people happens to be a friend of mine. I already knew of their history (that would be reference #2 in this post) and had gotten the reviews. When he eventually asked me out on a date, the first thing I did was text my girl and asked for clearance (as this is the unwritten rule). She being of course a reasonable woman, said yes and I went out on the date. If I had sensed any hesitation on her part, he wouldn’t have gotten the date. Also, if these two had been involved, or been in a relationship, I wouldn’t even have bothered asking for clearance; he would’ve gotten a straight up “no” and the chicks before dicks clause would have been cited.
If I wasn’t attracted to him, I would’ve invoked the clause as a way of being nice.
Now, if she is citing this clause as her reason for turning you down and she doesn’t preface it with something like: “I really think you’re hot/great/amazing but…”, then trust me when I say this: she doesn’t want to fuck you. Or be seen with you. Or encourage any feelings from you. She finds it creepy that you would ask. Also, whatever you do, don’t ask the ex-girl if it’s okay…because even if she is okay with it, it won’t change the new girl’s mind about you because if she found you so damn hot/amazing/wonderful that she couldn’t resist… if she thought that you might bring some substance to her romantic life…she would ask for clearance. If she’s not trying, she’s not interested.
She says: “I really wish I could just meet a guy who would <fill in random behaviour here>…”
You say: “I do <random behaviour> and I’ll even do <something extraordinary to impress you>
She says: “No, you know what I mean/I’m serious/ not like that; you know what I’m talking about…”
Uh. Didn’t you just say that you would do the exact thing she wishes men would do? Now you’re thinking, “What am I not understanding here?” If she is dismissive of your overtures…she’s dismissing you. This one is hard, because here you are willing to be the guy who could be the guy she wants, but she doesn’t want you to be that guy. Confusing innit?
You see the behaviour in question is part of a package deal. If she wants a 6-foot tall, witty, intelligent, model looking guy with a 6-pack to do this “thing” and here you are, a 5-foot-4, smart-ish, get the joke kind of guy but doesn’t do such a great job at making them and you have a beer keg instead of a 6-pack offering to do it…well…uhm…
She doesn’t want YOU to do it darling…for whatever reason, she’s either written you off as a possibility or you were never a possibility in her eyes to begin with. This woman has a dream man in mind, much like the girl who “isn’t looking for a relationship”…she’s being a punk. Here you could be the man of her reality…the man willing to do <insert random thing here> and she’s turning it down? Really?
Stop and think about how stupid this is.
Stupid for her because she’s whining about an imaginary man who has yet to do <this random thing> and here’s a living breathing man in front of her willing to do it and she’s saying no…
Stupid for you, because you think that if you start doing this <insert random thing here> that she’ll look at you with new eyes. Don’t try to live up to her dream scenario darling. One day when she’s a little wiser and lot lonelier because her dream man has yet to materialize doing this random thing, she’ll realize on what she missed out on. Think about the amount of women you might be missing out on – or worse…you could be missing out on the woman who sees you as her dream made real – because you’re wasting your time doing this random thing.
I’ve never read THAT book (I don’t read “relationship” books), but I know the Sex and the City episode it’s based on and the episode summed it up perfectly.It’s a freeing thought, this “she’s just not that into you” thing. Once you realize that it really is them, and not you, you free yourself up for something better.
So thank her, give her the deuces and move on…