Normally I’m on here preaching to the men about honesty. But a couple of weeks ago, I had the opportunity to curl up on my friend T’s couch and get some wisdom. She and I are big proponents of honesty in relationships…and you know what she and I found to be a big problem? That WOMEN aren’t honest.
So based on that convo, here’s an open letter…
Ladies, there are some phrases that we have all been guilty of using at one point or another that really need to be retired. We’re grown; we no longer need to play games. If we want to have mature and honest relationships with men, we have to step up and be mature and honest with them. I hear a lot of stories and a lot of complaints, some valid and some based on straight up bullshit. We need to stop as we are only doing a disservice to ourselves.
I think we can all agree that the following phrases should be retired:
NO! You are NOT fine! You are tired, cranky, PMS-ing, or in deep thought about something and cannot be bothered with answering a bunch of questions. You may in fact be pissed off about something he did the day before and you’re using the time to process your thoughts and feelings instead of snapping at him.
So, WHY CAN’T YOU SAY THAT?
Why for the love of gawd do you use the universal code for “I know what’s wrong, I just want you to figure it out”? Would you expect this of your girl? No. Do you realize how passive aggressive it is to say, “I’m fine”? When has this ever worked???
Okay, you know how frustrating it is when you call your cell phone provider with an issue? Imagine doing this in a relationship:
Press 1 if it’s something I can’t help you with
Press 2 if I fucked up something within the last 72 hours
Press 3 if you had a bad day at work
Press 4 if I can help you
Press 5 if I fucked up on something more than 72 hours ago but within the last week
Well…that’s how a guy wishes the “I’m fine” conversations could go.
Now, if some of you are using “I’m fine” as a way to manage communication within your relationship, well then…fine. Just know that some of us are hoping that you plan to be with this guy forever and ever because if you’re not, you are fucking things up for the next girl. Yeah, you are…because the next girl he ends up with will have a day where she is lost in her thoughts and says to him “no, I’m fine” and, boom! He’ll instantly go on high alert. Thanks for that!
“That was great”
No it wasn’t! He fucked like a jack rabbit, he didn’t give head, his breath stank like day old kush and you didn’t have an orgasm. What was so great about it? If you are having mediocre sex, DON’T tell him it was “great”. Again, unless you are planning on having mediocre sex for the rest of your life with this guy, you are giving him a false sense of sexual security. Do you know how awkward it’s going to be for the next girl who gets him?
Him: Really? I thought a tongue in the ear turned women on…?
Her: No. A wet willy is never sexy…
Don’t feel comfortable telling him? Show him, guide him, draw fucking pictures, or send him to a class, but as a favour to the next girl, don’t tell him “it was great”.
“I normally don’t do this/I’ve never done this before”
The moment he hears one of these qualifiers, he automatically thinks that you HAVE and will start wondering what OTHER things you “haven’t done”. Even if you have never had a one night stand – don’t tell him. Even if you never done <fill in the blank with some sort of freaky sexual act> before, just do it and then brag to your girls that you had never done that before, because that’s who’s going to believe you.
It’s okay that he still talks to his ex…it’s okay that he works long hours at his job (meaning that you only see him for a few hours a week)…it’s okay if he has kids…it’s okay if he’s separated or “having problems” with his wife…it’s okay that he forgot…it’s okay that you offered your help and he rejected it…it’s okay that he’s going to the strip club…really. It’s. Okay.
NOT IT IS NOT OKAY! Not for you! So why say so? Because by saying it’s okay, he’s going to magically do the opposite (which is what you really want)? He will not. You know what he WILL do? Whatever it is that he’s been doing up to this point because….
(Wait for it…)
Ladies: the next time you feel like using one of these “little lies” to navigate your way though your relationship, I want you to think of the rest of us. I want you to think of the next woman who has to deal with his paranoid that we’re always mad-mediocre sex having-but wonders if you’re a hoe-workaholic ass and how much time will be wasted on undoing these “little lies” in order to have a relationship.
Think about all the times you’ve had to deal with it…
Now, imagine what kind of relationships we would have if we didn’t have these lies…
xoxo/HLBB (thanks T!)