As I write this, the day is almost over but I’ve decided to weigh in because I kinda feel I should. But, darling boys, I could not figure out HOW. I couldn’t write about what to buy or what to do because I don’t want to promote a “day” I don’t believe in…
Now, I’m banking on the idea that a few of you made a faux pas or two today…so here two more words for you: damage control.
The Single Girl
You to her: so, what are your big Valentine’s Day plans?
Her: (Prince level side eye) I. Don’t. Have. Any! Why do people buy into this crass commercial holiday!? Just because you’re in a relationship, you assume that everyone else is, huh? You KNOW that this day is discriminatory against single people! There’s no celebrating the single woman! It’s just couples couples couples!!
Well, if you work with her or see her on a regular basis and she’s really upset with you, you can patch up her battered ego tomorrow with a simple note and an olive branch of sorts.
Try this: a cup of coffee or tea with a sticky note on it saying “mea culpa” (that’s Latin for “my bad”). Do NOT say something like “I assumed a woman like you would be taken” because it’s a bullshit thing to say (a woman like WHAT exactly?) and it can be easily misinterpreted.
So you buy her a present and instead of a swooning response, you get the strained “oh, this is NICE…”
If you panicked last minute and bought something like a teddy bear…hmm. Look around her place the next time you see her, does she have any other stuffed animal type things around? No? Explain that you wanted to be “silly” and “cute”, but that that the idea (obviously) fell flat. Explain that you’re the kind of guy who’d rather show affection in small ways on a regular basis rather than one big way one day of the year. Then, back that statement up with a genuine gesture of affection a few days from now.
The Last Minute Booty Call…
You call your “arrangement” for a little February 14th fucking and she says “you wait until today to call me? Did you assume I didn’t have plans?”
Foreplay involves foresight darlings…you should’ve made those plans oh…last Friday! By calling her up today, you basically assumed that this was a VOD (vagina on demand) type thing. Newsflash: she may actually have plans. EVEN if she DOESN’T have plans she will refuse your ass on principal.
In this instance, you might have screwed yourself over for the night AND for the arrangement. VOD status is reserved for people in relationships and this is NOT a relationship hunny bunny. It’s an arrangement. Should she let you near her coochie again, you better work it out. You know what I mean. Work. It. Out.
You’re in a relationship and…
You bought the wrong size lingerie…or hazelnut chocolates for the girl with a nut allergy…or horror of horrors…
Oh honey. Oh hunny bunny.
Forgetting the small details is the most egregious of sins when you’re in a long term relationship. You are EXPECTED to know her size (you take the stuff of regularly), that chocolate may kill her, or with all the damn reminders all over the place, you should at LEAST remember the day. If she believes in the celebration of the day or places any significance on it…
Get thee to Tiffany & Co., Birks Jared’s, People’s, hell even that jewellery mart across from the Eaton Centre. Hire someone to sing a Bruno Mars song to her at the bus stop. Sing a Marvin Gaye song to her while serving her breakfast in bed this weekend.