Because it was asked in a “friend of friend” type of way, I realize that I’m about to comment on an urban legend of sorts.
The question: how does a guy find a woman who wants a sexual relationship without having to go through the constraints of a relationship? Does such a woman exist?
Why yes, Virginia, just as there is a Santa Claus, there is such a thing as a woman who is not looking for your hand in marriage but your hand…in other places.
I introduce to you one of the 12 Women you’ll meet in life…
The Free Agent
A Free Agent is a woman who wishes to enjoy the benefits of sex on demand, but has no desire to make any relationship demands down the road. She’s perpetually single. She’s independent. She displays no “needy” traits. She’s fun loving, and liked by people. She has an active social/work life and is not sitting at home with her 5 cats. You meet her and find yourself wondering (or even saying outright) “why is she single?” In many cases, wondering leads to being considered “damaged goods”… as in she’s most likely bitter about a past relationship and has turned into a shrew. Or she has “psycho girlfriend” traits but they’re just hidden really well.
Blah blah blah…because a seemingly cool halfway attractive (and in some cases beautiful) woman wouldn’t be single because she wants to be, right?
*insert dramatic eye roll here*
This is probably the most frustrating thing about being a Free Agent, the constant “why are you single?” – type questions. Because no matter how “evolved” or “liberal” people claim to be, it is still viewed as being an odd thing to meet a woman who isn’t thinking marriage, babies, and house in the ‘burbs every time she meets a guy. Generally in her 30s and 40s, the Free Agent has a few relationships under her belt, and realizes that it’s about quality and not quantity. She wants to actually LIKE the guy she’s fucking, but she doesn’t want to marry him and she most definitely does NOT want to wake up the next morning thinking “ewww, who are YOU?” She is not interested in doing any walks of shame and she is NOT standing around in nightclubs and bars competing with 19-year-old 3 AM Girls for a man’s attention.
I’m someone who spent pretty much her entire teens and 20’s in committed relationships; except for the whole cooking thing, I was (shudders) a “wifey”. I had one – just one – one night stand between relationships. Then one day, I found myself knocking on 30 and realizing that I missed out on all the fun hookups, randoms, crazy adventures that all my girlfriends had while I played “married”. So, now I find myself going “hmmm, don’t want a boyfriend, don’t want to be married…DON’T want to bed hop…what’s a Free Agent to do?”
I – and other Free Agents – cannot go around saying that we want to have a sex on demand type relationship without being considered a slut. Go ahead and dispute it, but that double standard exists. So we Free Agents say nothing… should the opportunity come up, we take it. We have an FWB…toys…or we go without (boo). We endure the relationship questions at weddings, housewarmings, baby showers, visits to grandma’s house, from our parents, our coworkers, and sometimes even our friends.
I want you all to stop and think about this: when a woman says she’s “not looking for a relationship right now”, what thought runs through your head? A few people I know were willing to be honest and this was the common reaction:
She really is…she just can’t find anyone…
You don’t see Free Agents although they’re hiding in plain sight…for it to be acceptable we would need another sexual revolution. If people (male and female alike) would change – ever so slightly – their views on “cat ladies”, “spinsters”, “picky women” (that’s my favourite) “psycho singles”, “slutty behaviour” versus “playa behaviour” you would find that there are a lot of Free Agents available out there…
And they want to get laid just as much as you do…