Let me preface today’s post by saying to all the men who have ever given me presents…
Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you…
While I normally say that the only thing the men in my past have had in common was that they’re all fucking idiots, I must also say that when it came to gift-giving at Xmas…they always exceeded expectations. In fact, I always thought that I was a little spoiled when it came to Christmas. I’ve received electronics (I’m a gadget girl), vacations, jewellery in little blue boxes, shit from Vicky C’s in my correct size (and this was before there were stores in Canada)…blah blah blah.
Some of my favourite presents aren’t even expensive – I still have a sketch of a flower a broke high school sweetheart drew for me one year (I’m a sucker for sketches). One year, I got a Mars bar…before you think that’s a crap present; please note that there is a whole sweet and very dirty sexy story behind it.
I think the men in my past have also lucked out because they only ever really have to think about getting me one present for the year. I don’ t do Valentine’s Day…for my birthdays, a quiet dinner is perfection…and well, let’s face it: I’m usually the one who forgets to acknowledge anniversaries.
But, I have received one crappy present. Well in my eyes, crappy. It was for our anniversary, which I of course, forgot. It kinda looked like a miniature tombstone, but made of glass. A “poem” was etched on it…well not a poem exactly, but random lyrics from different slow songs to illustrate his feelings for me. Apparently my best friend (who is a diehard romantic and thinks this kind of shit is cool) endorsed the idea based on the criteria that it was custom made and expensive (which made me wonder if SHE even knew me). Oh, the other reason he got it was because his boy had purchased one for HIS girlfriend and she loved it. He thought,“ Well, if Lisa liked hers, HLBB would like one too.”
This is my theory: you poor guys are out of ideas by the time Christmas comes around; you’ve already done birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine’s Day and possibly a few “I’m sorry I fucked up” kinds of presents. Then, boom…it’s a week before Christmas and you’re scrambling to come up with something.
This got me thinking about what kind of pitfalls you should avoid when you go shopping this weekend (or next) for that last minute present? Do you buy a present for the girl you’ve been dating for only a month? Do you buy something for your FWB? What do you get the love of your life?
Well, I can’t tell you what to get the love of your life – but I can say NO TWO WOMEN ARE ALIKE; which is why that glass tombstone thingy was a major fail for me. For the girl you’ve been dating a month? Nothing major…a cute trinket of the non- jewellery variety. As for the FWB – definitely a bottle of liquor or something to replenish the stock you’ve probably consumed at her place during the course of your “arrangement”.
I CAN however, tell you what to avoid, based on the mistakes made by the men who have come before you. I polled the ladies of Twitter, my friends and co-workers. After doing so, I realized that a: while I have dated idiots who do stupid shit, they have all been great at Christmas and b: I will be starting the “HLBB Shit Christmas Present Support Group”…meetings are held on December 26th.
Whatever you buy this year, whatever you are THINKING of buying this year… don’t give her anything that remotely resembles the following :
Peppermint flavoured ChapStick (apparently she didn’t enjoy giving head)
Socks and flannel nighties
Dryel – yes the “do it yourself dry cleaning kit”
A stuffed animal that looked like a mouse (her biggest phobia? Mice. He thought he’d try aversion therapy at Christmas)
A picture of Jelly Belly jelly beans…not the candy, just a picture of them. Indexed on a piece of paper with the flavours written underneath
A voodoo doll kit
A beanie baby (with the price tag still on it)
Lingerie (it was 2 sizes too small and didn’t smell “fresh”) (ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?)
A magazine (used and gift wrapped)
A box of condoms (gift wrapped)
Fake roses (from the dollar store)
Stolen jewellery (he said it was purchased in an antique store…) A towel
A used DVD – as in with the “previously viewed” sticker on it still
Gym membership (even if she SAYS she is going to start working out, DON’T)
An iPod case (except she didn’t have one… he said that he thought she was buying herself one)
Kitchen utensils. From the dollar store.
She found out that he re-gifted the Secret Santa present he got from work…which was a mug.
An over-sized robe from the plus-sized store –he tried to tell her it was a Snuggie
Engraved pendant, but he spelled her name wrong. When she said the jeweller messed it up, he looked at it and said “no, I checked…isn’t that right?
The same present as his sidepiece. She found out when she and the sidepiece ended up at the same party and were both wearing the same piece of jewellery.
A 2-4 of beer
A calculator (to “track [her] spending”… what the fuck?)
A cat (she was allergic)
Nail polish (“so [she] didn’t have to waste time at the salon”)
A gift card to 7-11
A Playstation with no games
via @bereolaesque (last year)
GENT TIP: Women subconsciously say what they want 4 Christmas all the time. When she says, “Oh that’s cute,” she wants it.
GENT TIP: The recession was real & it’s been a difficult financial year for many, but it costs you nothing to pay attention…
p.s. The most egregious gift? The gift of nothing. I would’ve shot the fucker.