Animals mark their territory by using scent. Dogs mark trees, fire hydrants etc. Deers make little piles of dirt and pee in it. Cats scent-mark by rubbing their faces and flanks against objects…
The homo sapien male? Just like your damn opposable thumbs, y’all have a whole other way of doing it. Competitive creatures you men are. I love competition, so I find it highly amusing when a man suddenly realizes that others are entering into his “territory”. I’m not talking about the jealous or protective boyfriend either…I’m talking about the ones who aren’t even involved with the girl in the first damn place! So you’ve met or know Mrs. (Just Not) Right (Now), but you’ve put her on hold until:
Your boys see her… I have been put “on hold” lots of times. (*insert dramatic eye roll here*) One of my favourite “she’s mine!” moments happened when I bumped into guy who had put me on hold for a while, long past the point of me caring. We ended up meeting a bunch of his friends and hanging out for a few hours. After a while, I needed to head home, as this gathering was an unscheduled stop in my day. My friend who had me on hold literally introduced me to his friends like this: “this is HLBB…she writes, she plans events, she’s funny…this is wife material right here” all while putting his arm around my shoulders.
“Wife.” Not even “Wifey”, but wife. For the record, I’ve been called “wife material” only once before. To know me is to know I’m not wife material; I’m barely girlfriend material…I digress. One friend in the group was trying to convince me to stay on with them. But I really had to go. The friend flirtatiously reached out for my hand and said “well it was lovely to meet you and hopefully I’ll get to see you again…”
Before he could finish his thought…Mr. On Hold sputtered “aye aye aye! Back off she’s mine!” while actually putting his arm as a barricade between us (at 6’5 that was a pretty big barricade)
MUTHAFUCKA PLEASE! YOU:
Have never asked me out on date…we’d bump into each other, go for coffee or walk n’ talk, that’s it. Have never tried to kiss me, let alone try to have sex with me. Have never been to my place. I have never been to your place. While we have tones of people in common, some of my nearest and dearest friends didn’t even realize that we knew each other.
BUT I’M YOURS?!? Get the fuck outta here with that bullshit…
Your boy wants to have sex with her (since you won’t)…
Another story I was told recently involved a girl and a guy and the guy’s friend. We all know you have the “I’d hit it” list…and for whatever reason with this particular girl, you haven’t. But my girl? She was offering it up to the guy. On a silver platter… and like Prince did with Sherri Sheppard the other day, dude exited stage left…hastily.Dude said after that he declined because he valued their friendship and thought that sex would make it awkward to hang out, especially since he wasn’t looking for a girlfriend.
(*insert girl’s pouty face here*)
Fine. She didn’t push it. They continued to hang. She lusted after him in silence. Until…
A friend of HIS added her to his “I’d hit it” list.
Invited to a party at Dude’s house she showed up looking, not fabulous as the rules of the rear view mirror would dictate, but casual…so casual that she (in her words) looked like she was going grocery shopping. But the friend of the Dude liked the view. After drinks were consumed, the Dude’s friend openly declared that he would like to get naked with the girl…The girl politely declined because well, she wasn’t interested.
Party’s over. Dude offers to drive her home. She declines. He insists. His friend is so drunk that he leaves him passed out on his couch. He drives her home, gives her a hug g’night (as has been their M.O. for years)…the hug turns into a kiss…the kiss turns into more kissing…the kissing turns into Dude leaving her house the next morning.
Mission accomplished. His friend won’t be able to get naked with the girl because he’s hit it…and what friend is going to go where another man has already marked his territory? Does girl know she was used for this purpose? Yes. This is why she told me the story over cocktails and giggles… “He got to cockblock…I got the cock”. (Yes, my girls are vulgar sometimes, that’s why I love ‘em)
Been there, did her…you might as well have worn the t-shirt…
Saw this once in a club. Picture it. Birthday party. Nightclub. Private room. The birthday girl has previously enjoyed an “arrangement” with one of her guests. But that is long in the past and the arrangement has returned to being friends with no benefits. There was no drama, no remorse, no animosity. This guy even had a new lady love that he brought to said party. Our girl was also involved with a guy who was of course by her side, holding on to her waist, refreshing her drink…very lovey dovey.
Well, I guess it stirred up some old memories for the guy, because for the rest of the night he kept dropping inside knowledge on the girl to the group assembled. Her penchant for eating sour key candies. Her fear of spiders. Her “Sleeping with the Enemy” obsession with her hand towels in her bathroom. Random facts that when examined on their own, really don’t say anything. But, with the right tone, coupled with a few “remember that time when…” stories… it all adds up to “HISTORY”. He might as well have worn a shirt that said “I fucked her before you did!!”
Dumbass didn’t even realize how much of a dumbass he was, because it turned out that our girl already told her honey that she had a long ago history with Dumbass but Dumbass? He never told his new lady…
Yes. She caught on and his dumb ass got caught out…
You play referee…without anyone knowing
This one is the most confusing. You know a girl. You have no claim – past present or future – to her. But…I dunno.
She expresses interest in one of your friends. Friend expresses interest in her. On paper, they’d be a good match. You’d get to play matchmaker. But instead you decide to play referee and suddenly, there’s a flag on the play. You as the sneaky bastard tell the friend she’s not looking. You tell the girl a list of his faults; yes he’s your friend, but he’s “an idiot”? Really?
Why are they being penalized for liking each other? Is your friend that much of a bad catch or are you…jealous?
Last night I was reminded of a situation that involved this. I had expressed interest in the friend of a friend (basically I said “he’s hot. Introduce us”) and suddenly this guy “was not the kind of guy for (me)”. Literally, we had an hour long conversation about it the next day.
My friend? He was my friend but interested in my girl. In fact, my girl (STUPIDLY) asked him once why he chose her over me since we obviously got along so well…he said that I was the kind of girl you called up to play pool with and hang out, but she was the kind of girl you took out to dinner.
I was also the girl that apparently was “too good” for anyone else he knew. I’m no longer friends with either of them. Oh, and they never got together; she strung him along until she got back with her ex…
(*insert HLBB shrug here*)
So boys. Basically, marking your territory is stupid. For the most part, we women recognize what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. It’s not fair to her and most importantly, it’s not fair to you. You’re going to end up sitting in your throne, king of your territory…
Alone. And possibly smelling like pee.