I know I have a sign on my head (and quite possibly my ass) that says “if you have a shit pickup line, I wanna hear it”…
Well, last night I was out at a work function, when I encountered Danny, Andrew and “Brooklyn”.
I was in a crowded space where people are bumping into people and you’re bound to have your ass grazed once or twice. Walking away from the bar with a fresh drink, Danny leans over and says, “so sorry! I didn’t mean to grab your ass like that!”
Danny didn’t grab my ass.
He was nowhere near my ass.
I look up at him with a confused expression, and before i can say anything, he says with a sheepish grin, “okay, I DIDN’T actually grab your ass…”
THIS is what is passing for a pick up line these days?
Pretending you did stupid shit and then apologizing? Really? I seriously thought I was on Keys to the VIP and started to look around for hidden cameras. Spotting no cameras, I shrugged and said that I knew he hadn’t grabbed my ass because I would’ve “smashed the bottle in (his) face”.
Danny is taken aback by response and says, “whoa! Ease up there sistah!”
Me: blank stare.
Danny: what? Am I not allowed to say ‘sistah’? I’m kind of a brother…I’m Brown
Me: continues to stare. Takes swig of my beer…
“Sorry. He’s a bit drunk, but he IS Brown.”
Danny: (mumbles) is ‘sistah’ offensive now? I don’t get it
Me: drinks beer
Danny: you can call me a “paki” if you want to even the score…
Blank stares all around.
Me: I wouldn’t use the word
Andrew: you wouldn’t use ‘sistah’?
Me: no, i wouldn’t call someone a paki
Danny: oooh you said paki with an accent! You know Brown people! But seriously, is ‘sistah’ offensive?
Me: erm no. Are you Pakistani?
Danny: Sri Lankan!
Andrew: so, are you a proud Black woman?
I’m not a believer in Jesus, but at this point, I’m looking around to see if anyone can take the wheel.
“Brooklyn” is on my right literally shaking his head.
Me: are these your friends?
Me: they’re quite amusing…
Andrew: ’cause I like, grew up with Black people and played basketball with my friends, and most of them were Black…
Darlings. This whole exchange has taken about 3 minutes. I’m really beginning to think that there has to be hidden cameras somewhere, and for some reason, the thought of that causes me to start giggling.
Danny: sorry to have offended you… I was just trying to make you laugh. You looked so serious…
Me: starts laughing
Andrew: see? She laughs. High five!
(sidebar: can someone please explain to me why high fives have made some sort of comeback?)
Danny: yeah, but I offended her because I called her a ‘sistah’
Remember their friend “Brooklyn”? Well, he just looks at them and walks away…he can’t take it anymore.
I start laughing harder.
Andrew: where’s HE going? What’s his problem?
Me: it’s okay. He did admit to knowing you…
Danny: okay, well we’re going to go now
Andrew: are you here with someone?
I’m thinking that my boss has set this up (he’s at the same party) but there are no cameras that I can see. Plus, my boss was already doing a bad job at trying to be my wingman…
Danny says to Andrew “let’s go…” and they stumble off in search of more asses they’ll pretend to grab.
Brooklyn comes back to my vicinity. Takes a swig of his beer and stands beside me.
Me: oh! Your friends went that way…
Brooklyn: (completely deadpan) I know.
I double over laughing because either Brooklyn has revealed the best wingman scheme EVER, or he’s has some really dumb ass friends. We talk for a bit and I learn that he has lived in Brooklyn, LA, Arizona and a couple of other places. He explains that where he lived in Brooklyn, his friends would get their asses kicked for talking like idiots. I explain that Danny needs to find a new opener because not only is that line about asses bad, it sounds overly rehearsed. I say that I can give him (Danny) some pointers, but that he really has to stop using that line…
But before I could find out anymore about him, I have to go to the loo. I excuse myself, come back and….he’s gone.
Danny and Andrew must’ve reclaimed him.
So much for the wingman theory. Too bad. Brooklyn was kinda cute…