Recently, three of my male readers sent me a link to a story about a female Duke University student who made a “fuck list”, chronicling her 4 years of sex with various undergraduates. She turned her list into a PowerPoint presentation and emailed it to a few friends…they emailed it to a few friends…and now it’s viral.
(sidebar: between this “scandal” and the rape by the lacrosse team, I really want to know, DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY STUDY AT DUKE UNIVERSITY?)
When I first saw the headline, I was curious. I didn’t have a chance to read it right away, but when I did well…yawn. I know it’s supposed to a parody of a scholarly piece, but as far as fuck lists go, this piece is kinda lame. After forcing myself to read this list a second time, I came to two conclusions:
Ms. Duke is a 3 AM Girl, not a sexually liberated woman. You see, a sexually liberated woman wouldn’t have to have gone to Shooters almost every night of the week to have sex…
Ms. Duke fucked variations of the same guy…look at the blurred out pictures. Is it just me, or doesn’t it just look like the same guy in every photo? Again, this chick is not sexually adventurous at all. I don’t mean that she fucked only White dudes, but she fucked dudes who were athletes, party boys, and I would suspect all regulars at this bar Shooters.
(sidebar: As for the one who asked her about “big Black cock” well, that dude is a latent homosexual with the same issues as Mr. Anonymous).
As far as fuck lists go, hers is pretty mild.
I think you darling boys sent me this article because you were surprised that women had such a thing. So, let me break this to you gently: of course women have fuck lists! We just don’t put it in boring ass PowerPoint presentations. The timing of this story is kinda funny, because a few weeks ago I had this debate with some twitter folk: why do women talk about sex with other women? The men figured it was to get validation, the women said it was to share information and to get tips. Yes, let me repeat that: women keep “fuck lists” in order to share information to educate each other; not to validate our sexual choices. **
The basic architecture of Ms. Duke’s fuck list is there: time of year, setting (which for this chick is always the same bar…pffft, amateur) size, stamina and technique. That’s basically it. Don’t tell me you guys don’t have one, because I’ve heard them. You have one…so don’t be surprised that we have one. Oh, so now you’re worried you’re on a fuck list, huh? If you fucked her, you’re on a list. This is why you should always perform well…I don’t mean bring out all your tricks for a one night stand, but when you give a half hearted performance, that’s what ends up on the fuck list. You give her a night where the entire block knows your name, you’re on the list, and usually at the top (bravo)…
I can’t help you with your size, your athleticism or aggressiveness (no, I can’t). Nor help you orchestrate where you meet your encounters, but there are some things you can do to score an 8/10 or higher on a woman’s fuck list:
- Be enthusiastic. If you’re not up for the “imma tear you inside out” type sex, that’s fine…just be into it. Some of you are guilty of that “I’m tired/drunk/not really into her but its available pussy” sex. Well guess what? IF she was into it, then your lackluster performance is what ends up on the list.
- Acknowledge the encounter…a phone call, text or email. The follow up is important. By following up, you either give closure (i.e. you know you’re never going to have sex with her again) or to make sure you get it again.
- Don’t do anything too freaky the first time out. There was a guy who turned into a cat. An actual cat, he purred, wanted his belly scratched, crawled on all fours and hissed at the girl. The poor woman faked a severe migraine that required an emergency visit to the pharmacy and a call to her BFF to get out of it. I’m sure there are lots of women who would scratch Fluffy’s belly, but that’s something that takes time to find out.
- That being said…pull out one trick. Just one. It gets you bonus points.
Now, that’s for future lists. What about the lists you’ve already appear on? Be thankful you didn’t fuck Ms. Duke and that the list isn’t on the itnernets…
** (hello @zaigham_inc, @clickflickca @christineestima, @mariaguilar @makeupdavida @joelreily @mads_kasinger)