YOU versus the BFF

I’ve said this before on the blog somewhere, but when it comes to my relationships, if you meet my best friend, you’re in. It’s hard to meet my best friend, because she only lives here 3 months of the year. If it’s serious, I’ll email her with photographic evidence. Once, her overly zealous sister told her I had a boyfriend and her response was, “she doesn’t until she tells me”.

Best friend approval…this is sometimes harder than meeting the parents, the circle of friends, the siblings, or even her damn dog. So what happens if you can’t stand her best friend?

Worse. What happens if her BFF can’t stand you?

The other night I was out with a group of peeps discussing various relationship type things (insert fake surprise here). One gent said that women discuss sex – and by extension relationships – with other women because we seek approval on our choices. Well, a bunch of us (myself included) said that this was not true, to which he responded, “how many of you have dated a guy that your friends didn’t approve of? How many of you stayed with the guy?”

Girls will date guys that their friends vocally disapprove of – especially if it’s the “bad boy” (a.k.a. the male version of the “crazy beautiful”). BUT the BFF approval process is completely different from general friends. The BFF knows the secrets, where the bodies are buried, her hopes, dreams and fears…all of which she uses as a basis tojudge you. So, if YOU in her mind don’t measure up… urk.

But what if it’s just a case of YOU not liking HER BFF? This is tricky, because I feel that our friends are an extension and a reflection of ourselves. So, if someone is to criticize a person’s friend, they MAY take it as a criticism of them.

I once dated a guy who said of my BFF, “she’s kinda…loud. And she swears a lot…” My instant response was “what’s your fucking point?”

(Sidebar: my BFF IS loud. So am I. Sit between us and you will risk going deaf and you will definitely hear every swear word in the English language…)

The things we forgive or overlook in a lover may be the things we cannot forgive in others. So before you criticize her BFF or decide you don’t like her, step back and make sure that the things you dislike are qualities not shared by your lady love. If they aren’t shared, you’ve got to then figure out if your lady love accepts those qualities out of love, or because they’re an extension of her.

Case in point:  my BFF dated a guy for nearly 3 years that I did not like. Couldn’t stand his ass. She knew this. But she loved him. As a true friend, I wouldn’t say “break up with him” because really, his only faults were that he had no direction in life, was rude, possessive and wasn’t very bright. There’s also the time that he almost killed me driving on the 401…but I won’t get into that. It was no secret that I didn’t like him. But we tolerated each other’s presence because we both loved my girl. One of her best qualities is that she’ll go out of her way to do for others – she’s very selfless. One day he bitched that she was doing something for her mother, which resulted in time spent away from him. He bitched that her inability to say no meant that she did too much for others. He turned to me and her sister and said “I wish she was more like you guys, you know how to say ‘no’…”

My response?

“If she was more like ME, she wouldn’t be with someone like YOU…”

So how did he and I do it? How did we manage not to kill each other over the course of 3 years?

1 – we didn’t criticize each other in front of her. I bit my tongue so many times I’m surprised I still have one. He did the same most of the time. He did once say the reason I was single was because I was too bossy to get a man. Erm. That didn’t sit too well with my BFF who was running a business and practically ran her household…

2 – we never forced her to referee. That argument about her and I not being alike happened when she wasn’t present. Had she been there, it might not have happened.

3 – we remembered that we had one thing in common: her.

That’s it. That’s all. Did it take effort? Fuck yeah. We HATED each other. We LOVED her. Listen, I know that you’re convinced her BFF is telling her “dump him” every chance she gets – I’m not gonna lie darlings, she probably is. BUT what will ultimately decide whether your lady stays with you is how you handle the situation. Rise above the criticism…if she doesn’t like you because you tell bad jokes, who cares as long as your lady is laughing? Do NOT criticize her and, most importantly remember this:

You ain’t fucking her, so why are you forcing yourself to spend time with her?

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3 thoughts on “YOU versus the BFF

  1. Sigh.. my bff recently married her boyfriend of 3 years. I did not like him for her for several different reasons when they first started dating. Like you said, “The BFF knows the secrets, where the bodies are buried, her hopes, dreams and fears”… I knew everything about my BFF and what she wanted for her life and I just felt this dude didn’t measure up. I guess she’s told her husband over the years of my disapproval so it’s always awkward whenever we’re all together. I wasn’t the maid of honor in BFF’s wedding (go figure)… and my disapproval of hubby has somewhat hurt our friendship cuz my BFF feels like she has to keep both him and me happy with her at all times. #justventing

    • Yes. I feel your pain on this.

      That’s why I wrote this post using my example. I was in a similar situation, where the friend knew I didn’t approve. Over the years, it got harder and harder as I watched the relationship become more serious. When they moved in together, I wouldn’t go to the house. I told her that I didn’t feel comfortable being in the house of someone I disliked, I thought it to be two-faced. She said “it’s my house too”.

      She didn’t push it with either of us. She let US come to a mutual understanding…your girl cannot tell him how you feel about him. YOU have to tell him. Or tell your girl straight up “I don’t approve because I love you and I don’t see – YET – how he’s the best thing for you”

      Over the years I saw what she saw in him (I was the LAST to see it) and when he proposed, THEY asked me to plan the wedding. It doesn’t always go that way…If you just don’t like him, suck it up. If it’s a case of him being a complete asshole…then it’s your responsibility to suck it up and be there for her should it ever end. I learned that being hurtful towards HIM only hurts HER….

      xoxo/hlbb

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