Kiss Kiss Bang Bang: Fuck Me Badly Once…

Well, if it wasn’t OMFG level sex…it was…nice? Okay. It wasn’t nice. You know and she knows it sucked…and not in a good way. Too much liquor, too much food at dinner, or you were just plain ol’ tired. Whatever it was, you wake up the next morning, and your first thought is either “uhm.”, “oh shit! She’s still here!” or, “oh shit! I’m still here!”

The scenarios:

First time awkward sex.

It’s your first time with her and you’ve either been waiting for this moment with her for a while now or it’s been a really long time since you’ve gotten some. You move in to pull off some movie-style sex move and she gets a minor concussion. Or you got so excited by her head game that you forgot she has a gag reflex. Now, she’s giving you the side eye in bed…

Too many of you automatically start to “try something else”, or say “sorry” a bunch of times, or, worst case scenario…try to flip a girl around like rag doll and try a new position because you think she just said “ouch”. What you need to do is just pause for a second.

Imagine you’re slow dancing to a song and then suddenly you start doing the running man. Well, it’s just as awkward to flip things up in the bed that way. This kind of stuff happens because you’ve got it in your head that life is like a sex scene; a bunch of jump cut sex. Doggie style! Missionary! Reverse cowgirl! Over the shoulder! Giving/getting head! All 5 moves done in the space of five minutes…tsk tsk tsk.

You poor guys are also motivated by reaction. You think, “Well, she’s not feeling this so let me try this. Or this. Or this…” Sweetie, sometimes it takes more than 30 seconds for us to realize whether we like it. Slow fade, pause, rewind, replay…those are the scenes you should be going for.

She’s just lying there…

That’s gotta be frustrating. Everything you’re trying is not getting any kind of response from her. Is it you? Is it her? What, is she sleeping?!? Don’t you HATE it when she just lies there?

Well, going at it harder just does NOT work. It doesn’t. Stop. You are only making things worse. I’ll admit it: I’ve turned into blow up doll on a couple of occasions, but that’s because dude turned into a jack hammer. (side note: the jack hammer is the absolute worst sex move ever. Best left to 17 year olds who just lost their virginity and porn stars…because really, it does NOTHING for women. NOTHING.)

Like I said, everyone has an off night. If this is a new partner, then I would say the two of you aren’t clicking in bed. Slow things down and come to a full stop, because if you really think that’s there’s chemistry to be had and you can make her scream louder than a 13-year-old at a Justin Beiber concert, then quit while you’re behind and try some damage control. If she’s a long time partner, it’s time to open up and– gasp! – start talking. Sex between partners is very mental…if she’s got something on her mind, then you’re gonna need that cleared out before getting any.

You can’t tell if she…

If you can’t tell, then she didn’t. ‘Nuff said.

If you didn’t…

Read my post about that.

Other bodily functions happen…

The only way to avoid this is to head to the bathroom before you head to the bedroom. Nothing ruins a moment like a bathroom break. Treat it like one does a 5-year-old before a car ride “are you sure you don’t have to go? Just try anyways, just in case…” If she’s taking a bathroom break, just remember that sometimes you’re pushing against her bladder, and that can trigger her urge to pee (yes, you can do that) Sometimes, she’s just checking that it’s all systems go before you get down there.  But…if she feels like she has to pee, you could very well be hitting her G-spot…congratulations!

If her Aunt Flo comes to visit, for the love of gawd, don’t panic – it’s not a crime scene. If she starts to panic (most likely because she’s embarrassed as hell), don’t make stupid jokes like “well I just thought you were a virgin…” But, if there’s blood but not for that reason, you’ve torn something, y’all need to stop. Because this time she did say “ouch”.

She didn’t fart, but it sounded like she did and quite possibly it came from her…nah! Queefing? Really? Okay, if that’s your reaction, then you’re too young to read this entry. Think about it: you’re pumping a lot of air into an enclosed space, so it has to come out somewhere. Women have more reason to be embarrassed about this than you, so relax…it just means you’re getting it in.

What do you mean you don’t do that?

My gawd it sucks when she doesn’t huh? If you find yourself in bed with an Uptown Girl, well…erm. You need to decide whether you want to go back. Now, if you’re a guy who doesn’t like to go down, be prepared to be bad mouthed forever. I once had a guy pull that on me. He called me a week later and I said “remember when you said you ‘don’t’? Well, I won’t with guys who ‘don’t’…

Damage control…

To paraphrase Samantha Jones: Fuck me badly once, shame on you. Fuck me badly twice, I’m gonna lose your number. Here are some tips for damage control:

If you had the off night, make light of it in some way: “I need to redeem myself for the other night” or “I want to make it up to you…in a good way”. Don’t make jokes. That’s awkward to the 10th degree. Don’t list excuses because that just sounds like more apologizing (besides, she was there remember?), but try to treat it like it’s not the end of the world. If it was the result of a bodily malfunction, just don’t ever mention it again… I mean, is it really necessary? Besides, talking about it is just as much as a mood killer. If it was a result of someone not doing something, then you need to decide if want to continue. No, you can’t convince an Uptown Girl to go down; you’re going to waste a lot of energy that could be best used on someone else.

Darling boys…I think that bad sex happens when two people aren’t clear on what they want.

So…talk dirty to her, find out what she likes, and talk about what you like. These things will get you all revved up so that the next time you come over, not only will the neighbours know your name, but they’ll give you high fives in the hallway…


3 thoughts on “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang: Fuck Me Badly Once…

  1. Pingback: 2010 in review «

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