Whisper in Her Mouth…

It’s been a while. I know. I hate when life gets in the way of my passions. Rest assured, there has been things going on behind the scenes though…very excited. Blah, internet dating…it’s better as a video topic (hint, hint) So back to the blog.

Kissing.

Do you remember your first kiss? Mine was with Chris Godin during a game of kissing tag. We were a group of “mature” 11 year olds who thought it would be fun to play this “kindergarten” game in the snow at recess one day. I was the second fastest girl in school, the only girl on the baseball team, and a midfielder for the school’s soccer team…I could run. But Chris? Fucker was the captain of his hockey team – meaning he knew how to run on ice. We had run out of school bounds (I’m competitive!) and I had fallen into a snow bank. I was caught…Chris leaned in for the kill.

What I’ll never forget is that he paused, looked me in the eye and smiled. Looked around. Smiled some more. Leaned in, paused again…and said, “you’re it”.

Then he kissed me.

At 11 years old, Chris Godin had more game than some of the fuckers I’ve kissed in the 23 years since then.

Let me explain a little something to you guys…the panty droppers do not (just) involve alcohol, cologne, or Prince’s “The Beautiful Ones”…okay, those all work too. But the kiss? The kiss seals the deal and opens the gates. Some of the worst kisses come from the guys who talk about how seductive they are. Ahem, learn to use your tongue for more than just talking, okay? As for those perfunctory kisses that you give as a greeting or a g’bye? Those suck ass. A kiss is NOT a handshake, so please stop treating it like one. Show a little enthusiasm!

Then there are the others:

Mr. Tongue Depressor. You, the one who unfurls your tongue in a girl’s mouth and then, it just lies there. You take it out and repeat. Let me tell you something: the movements the girl is making with her head and tongue is not her returning the kiss, it’s her trying to come up for air.

No, I haven’t had my tonsils removed…please stop trying to check. Also, stop trying to floss my teeth with your tongue.

If I wanted to have an oxygen mask, I’d be in a plane that suddenly lost altitude…so stop trying to cover MY ENTIRE MOUTH WITH YOURS!!

Do not challenge my tongue to a duel. Seriously. You know who you are.

Then, there are the “St. Bernards”; you’re ones who think it’s seductive to trace the outside of her mouth with your tongues, but when she pulls away, she oh so delicately has to wipe her cheeks, chin and temples to dry off all the saliva you left there.

Mae West said it best, “a man’s kiss is his signature”. We learn some clues about how you are as a lover and as a man based on the way you kiss. Yes, we still find kissing important. A lot of you need to re-learn how to kiss.

Remember those days when all you got to do was kiss? You made sure that every moment counted. You eventually learned that you could get a girl all excited. Then you realized that when she was excited, you could distract her enough to cop a feel…remove an article of clothing…get in the panties. Good for you.

So then those moves became a pattern. That you used with every girl. Not so good for you.

If you recognized yourself in any of the above descriptions, let’s see how we can help you without having to demonstrate, because straight up, if that’s how you kiss, I’m going to put duct tape over your mouth.

First thing to remember: kissing is not like kissing in porn. Stop it.

Second thing to remember: kissing is NOT like the movies. That’s all music, lighting and angles so you can see the actors’ faces. Which is why when you try it in real life, someone ends up putting a crick in their neck.

Third thing to remember: kissing is intimate…in fact some would say it’s more intimate than sex (I hear hookers don’t kiss on the mouth for that reason). So you need to advance on the kiss, lean in, hover, but not barge in. I mean, c’mon, look at the DSS that Chris Godin had at 11! You need to create a sense of anticipation. Lean in for the kiss and do something unexpected, like kiss her jawbone right under her earlobe. She can hear you breathing, feel your heartbeat, and smell your cologne. Notice how you’re involving the all senses here? Pause. Gauge her reaction.

Unless you’re going for that movie passion kiss, don’t grab her by the head or back of neck; that shit is hard to pull off. Kissing should be like dancing, place your had in the small of her back…take the lead…guide her towards you…from there, you can determine if your other hand goes above that first hand (i.e. romantic lingering kiss) or lower (“let’s get it on” kiss). When it’s time for come up for air, do so…pull back and gauge a reaction. Did she give that little sigh? Did she relax her body? Is she smiling? Is she looking at you like you’re an alien? Does she look like she’s about to rip your clothes off? If she’s sighing, relaxed or smiling, she wants more kissing, so get on it! Increase the pressure as needed. If she’s looking at you like an alien, cut your losses and apologize for being too forward (I hope for your sake you remembered to check your breath first). But, if you’re getting the look? Hi-five my friend.

I was once told that if the girl is right handed, lean to the right and vice versa. The reason being is that she’ll instinctively lean to left (if she’s right handed) and therefore you’ll avoid the awkward head bump.

Don’t lead with your tongue. Get a few kisses on the lips in and build the anticipation.

Breathe through your nose. Please. Please for the love of all that is good and holy. Breathe through your nose.

Do NOT bite. I don’t care how it looks when you see it on TV or in a magazine. For fuck’s sake, it hurts enough when you bite your own tongue, imagine how it feels when you chomp down on ours?!?

If you were using your tongue to speak, you wouldn’t be shouting to seduce her, would you? You’d be whispering…

So whisper in her mouth.

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