Okay, so technology has opened up a whole new way to communicate, especially online. With my iPhone, BlackBerry, laptop, netbook, desktop and work desktop, I can be connected at any given time, 24 hours a day (ugh). What I also learned is that just because we have more ways to communicate, it doesn’t make us any better at it.
Online. Dating. I had a couple of girlfriends convince me to try it. I protested, because a: I’m busy and b: tried it a few years ago and it was just baaaaaad. So, while one of my girls sat beside me on my couch and practically typed in the URL for me, I joined a site.
Oh dear gawd, you men need help.
Granted, site A was known for its creepers and stalkers…so as I told this story of the creepers and stalkers to Girlfriend #2, she convinced me to try the site she was on, because those guys “try to impress you with their book and movie smarts …” My first three inquiries were guess a guy’s penis size, a threesome request and a request to be the “dominant” one in the bedroom (yes, he meant whips and chains)…
Oh dear gawd, you men need help.
So while my foray into online dating was a complete and utter disaster, my girl Maxfab pointed out that this would be great fodder for the blog! But how? Of course…POINT OUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING WRONG!
So begins the series this week: Dating 2.0
Let’s start with some of the basics. It’s seems there are three ways to engage online. There’s:
“Premium”: Like eHarmony.com and LavaLife.com, where you pay for the privilege to engage with someone online. Apparently they weed out those who aren’t serious or those who aren’t relationship material. I should know; eHarmony rejected my ass. (insert evil giggle here…)
“Freemium”: This would be your plentyoffish.com and okcupid.com. Sites that are like eHarmony, but free. These sites tend to attract those who are serious, not so serious and well, freaks. There are some “upgrade” options for these sites, but you can meet and do whatever it is you crazy kids do without having to pay for an upgrade. While these sites are essentially are free, you have to put in quite a bit of effort to keep your profile going.
“Bottom Feeding”: This is what I’ve decided to call those who use networking or social media sites as meat markets. These guys creep the “friends” lists of their friends, and hit up women (it’s happened to us all) using various “did he really just do that?” tactics that make us women activate all the privacy settings we can. By the way, have you heard the one about the guy who asked out a girl via LinkedIN? Ewww
The “Premium” and “Freemium” sites are somewhat similar. You need to sign up and create a profile before proceeding. With eHarmony, you have to answer a quiz equivalent to the profiling quiz at Quantico in order to get an account set up and the other ones are a little less intensive…
Based on some of the profiles I’ve seen…again, oh dear gawd.
Some rules that should be posted on Premium and Freemium dating sites:
1- use a REAL photo. None of us really expect to find Larenz Tate online looking for love. So when your profile says you’re from Rexdale and have his picture? We’re passing your profile around for laughs.
2- DO NOT USE THE CELL PHONE SELF PORTRAIT. You never have your picture taken at parties? Not one pic from the family reunion? I mean, is it really necessary to have a picture of you in your (dirty) bathroom with your shirt off in your track pants? Ick. As for the one who had only half his damned head in cornrows…
3- If you must do the self portrait…put a little effort into your looks. My gawd, half done cornrows? Who told you this was hot?
4- Embellish a little sure, but do not blatantly LIE about your job, weight etc. I know NO ONE tells the truth online, but for the guy who had under job description I’M A KING? Like “Larenz Tate” in rule #1, we ain’t buying it. Oh and when the question is “do you have children?” and you answer, “prefer not to say”, we think “deadbeat dad”. For those who are using the Freemium sites just to have sex, but your profile states “looking for a relationship”…please open up a Craigslist account. Thanks.
5- Spell-mothafucking-check your profiles. Words I saw over and over again were, “definately”; “alot”; “consious”; “indepandant”. Are you serious? You couldn’t type your profile up in Word to make sure these words were correct? I typed up this blog post in Word and it autocorrected every single one of those words…
But the thing that killed me, just had me falling over with laughter every time were the profile names! “1thickrod”? “Spaniardstallion”? “baby69er”? Are you guys for real?
I wanted to post some pics of the guys I’ve “encountered” so far, but I think it violates some sort of privacy agreement. But just take my word for it, the dude who was wearing the straw cowboy had, red wellington boots, plaid shorts and wife beater will not be getting a response from me.
These are some basics, the next post will be the do’s and dont’s for the “bottom feeders” out there…here’s a hint: there are no “do’s”