The 12 Women You Meet in Life: The Uptown Girl

Based on conversations I’ve had with men, women are generally categorized by “type” and in the English-speaking world, these types tend to be universally recognized. I argue that these types are actually archetypes: there is the original and then there are variations on it. I was asked to write about her a while ago, but couldn’t figure out how. I had only ever met 1 Uptown Girl and well… read on.

Presenting Woman #5 – The Uptown Girl

Their Methods
Sweet, caring and kind. The Uptown Girl is almost everything a man could hope for except she doesn’t do one little thing: give head. Or do anything deemed “too freaky”. In almost every other area of life, this girl is amazing. But the act of fellatio is not in her repertoire. She’s tried it (only with someone she “loves”) hates it and gawd forbid you ask her to swallow – she’d rather drink cyanide cocktails. Giving head is disgusting, and as for receiving? Oh, no sweeties, you must also remain Uptown. Yes, there is no going downtown with an Uptown girl.

Conservative in nature, they do not engage in dirty talk, role play or any of those other things you might want to do. Sex is basically a grope session (aka foreplay) followed by some missionary style sex. Maybe you can get them to say a few freaky things, but trying to get her to do them? Game over. One woman said she didn’t want her man seeing her that “close”. I had to ask her if she had seen HERSELF that close. She said no. (and here I thought women like this only existed on Sex and the City)

An Example
I had to collect stories from you guys for this one. But there was a time when out in a mixed group the topic came up. One girl in the group, outspoken, brash, hilarious, well versed in the ways of the world kept quiet for most of it. The guys quizzed the girls on methods, techniques reactions, and of course engaged us in the “spit vs. swallow” debate, and we all participated. Except for Ms. Uptown. Finally she said:

“I’ve never done that. I haven’t met anyone special enough to do it to.”

We all went dead silent. Literally silent and stared for about 3 seconds (I nearly dropped my cocktail)

Me: ARE YOU SERIOUS? Girl if you do that shit right, you can get a man to commit murder for you!

(the men nod in agreement)

Ms. Uptown: That’s taking it a little too far. For me to do that, I’d have to be in love. Seriously in love.

(the men continue to stare blankly)

Me: no, seriously.

Ms. Uptown: I know some women give it like they’re giving out candy at Hallowe’en, but I need a commitment first. I’ll probably do it to my husband, but that’s it.


Guy 1: (shocked)  but it’s like foreplay

Guy 2: (stutters)  y-yeah

Me: seriously? You’re joking right?

(Now readers, my voice is kinda on the nasally girlie side, so me saying “seriously” over an over kinda sounds like an annoying 12 year old)

Guy 3: so you’d receive but you won’t give.

Ms. Uptown: Receive?!? No, I don’t want some random guy going downtown!

Me: Excuse me miss? (signals bartender) Can I have another Manhattan please? Thanks!

I was stunned, because in all other ways Ms. Uptown had shown herself to be quite worldly in the ways of life, work and relationships. But when it came to sex, Ms. Uptown was quite conservative. Once I had gotten over my initial preconceptions and shock, I dug a little deeper. Ms. Uptown equates the act of fellatio as very intimate, more intimate that straight up sex. So for her to engage in it, she really needs to be connected to that man…a connection she had yet to find. She had been in several relationships and in each, she had not ventured downtown in any of them. This lead to a discussion about the value system around sex. I said that for many of us, fellatio was our first sexual experience…considered “safe” because you couldn’t get pregnant that way (yeah you can get a whole bunch of other things though). As we got older, it could be divided up into two categories: necessary or obligatory. Ms. Uptown said that for her it would be obligatory (with her future husband) because she would get no pleasure out of it.

Me: Are you kidding? Do you know what kind of power trip that is? Besides if you let him reciprocate…

Her: It’s also quite degrading. Look at the money shots in porn…

(I didn’t even get into her views on porn – my head might’ve exploded)

Me: Not every guy is looking for the money shot!

Guy 2: Actually…we are.

Me: You’re not helping!

Ms. Uptown: and that’s my point. Sex should be about love, not degradation. Porn has given it a reputation that it’s normal. It’s not. Giving head is a very intimate thing.

Why are you attracted to her?

On one level, you adore everything else about her.  On another level, you like the challenge of getting her to do it.

Just stop pushing down on her head…in fact stop pushing down on any woman’s head…none of us like it and that’s a bit degrading…you’re not helping your argument at all, okay?
Ms. Uptown has presented you with a challenge that many of you find irresistible. Because if you can get her to go down, you are getting her to go where no man has been able to get her to go before…

Do you marry her?
Hmmm.  You marry her if:

  1. Marriage is about give and take, negotiation and balance. Do you really want to have to negotiate for this for the rest of your life? If so, good night and good luck darlings.
  2. If you don’t mind getting it 3 times a year (birthday, anniversary, Christmas/Kwaanza/Hanukkah).

Remember, if she finds this “mainstream” act to be very intimate and borderline perverted, you’ll have a very hard (impossible) time convincing her that any thing else other than the missionary is acceptable. No bondage, no role play, no outdoor sex…no living room sex…no kitchen sex…

Just in the bed before you go to sleep and sometimes on Sunday mornings.

Normally I cap this off with famous examples…except I don’t know any. Maybe Britney back in the day (before Justin went and put all her business on blast), Jessica Simpson (before she got married of course) and…yeah, that’s it.

So today’s pop quiz is this:


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