How to be a Playa…

“P-101” is inscribed on a piece of jewellery that I gave to a man once…he still has it. There was a time when this man juggled so many women, I asked him to draw me an organizational chart in Visio, just so that I could keep up with the conversation. But, if you were just to know him casually, you wouldn’t know or have any idea that he has a list as long as George Clooney’s. The inscription stands for “Playa 101” – as in he’s such an accomplished Playa that he could teach a class. The women he leaves in his wake have no animosity towards him; he’s honest and discreet. A true Playa…

This particular Playa is semi-retired now, but I tend to befriend men who are real Playas (and date the men who THINK they are…) and have learned a lot from them. So while my friend has yet to set a course syllabus, I’ve decided that today, I will illustrate some of his techniques for you so-called lower-case “p” playas.

I don’t hate the Playa by the way, it’s just that some of you have no idea how to play the game…

Like attracts like…
Some of you playas are really just serial monogamists. You jump from quasi-relationship to quasi-relationship. You act like a boyfriend because you want to have the girlfriend experience (yes, I know where that term is derived from, all implications intended) but when things ramp up… you freak out. I don’t know how many times women have to say this, but there are some who aren’t interested in a relationship, even a quasi one. You keep going after the ones who are interested…and then have to develop an exit strategy when she starts talking about commitment. Playas actively seek out their female counterparts – let’s call them the “Free Agents” – and enjoy all the commitment-free sex they can handle.

Ethics and discretion are important…

They don’t brag about conquests…in fact, most playas I know don’t even name names! The bragging that some of you do with your boys (as in “yeah, I hit that” when scrolling through your Facebook albums) is pretty, well pathetic. One Playa I know said the only time he would ever tell a boy he “hit that” was if his boy was going after the same girl – and then let the friend decide for themselves. Another refuses to comment on a girl’s performance, lest she become the friend of another playa. Oh, and most playas aren’t territorial…just because he had her doesn’t mean he’ll discourage anyone else from going after her. When one playa found out that a friend of his met one of his former flings and was interested in a relationship, he said nothing to his friend. Knowing that his friend might be a little intimidated about being a follow up act, he contacted the fling and said, “what’s past is past, all I’ve said is that we used to work together…” (which was true). She was so grateful that she regularly sends other Free Agents his way. By the way, she’s no longer a Free Agent – still with that same dude now for 3 years.

There are plenty of fish in the sea…and various bodies of water…
So you quasi playas need to find new pools to swim in. This is the most egregious of sins: DON’T PLAY AMONGST FRIENDS!! If you find yourself attracted to one of her friends, one of her coworkers, a relative – you are shit outta luck. No matter how tempting, do not attempt to hookup, date or even flirt with anyone connected to one of your former flings/ex-quasi girlfriends. Women talk…don’t you know this??

Which means a: she knows you got up in her girl and b: will TELL her girl when you try to get up in her. Most ethical women (and especially Free Agents) abide by this code…which means if you have had your fun with one, you don’t get to have fun with the other. Go find another pool to play in. You come off as nothing more than a pussy predator and have now pissed off two women. Who will then talk; there go your references sweetie. Now, if you didn’t KNOW the women were friends/connected/related – and this happens – you are honest with the first and discreet with the second. You had a thing with Girl A months ago and things ended well enough. You then meet Girl B under completely separate circumstances. One night (hopefully before anything goes down), you bump into them together…You don’t panic. Greet both of them and be sure to say “I didn’t know you guys knew each other!”. After this meeting, you contact Girl A and let her know that you will back off from Girl B if it makes her feel uncomfortable. Provided you abided by the first two steps, she’ll most likely give you the go ahead. But honestly, Girl B will probably feel weirded out by the situation and will avoid you. Again, there are plenty more fish in the sea.

Playas are original…
If you have a tried and true method for obtaining new flings, you need some new methods. Using the same lines, pickup techniques and date spots will come off as rehearsed. Playas have a reputation, so it would be in your best interest if you’re not repetitive.

Playas are respectful…

They call/text the day after. Should they need to introduce a fling to people they’ll say “this is my friend…” not “this is, uhm, my f-friend” or “this is my SPECIAL FRIEND”. I know a girl who was introduced as the “special friend” at a party, she felt like the men in the room were trying to figure out what her “specialty” was. Dude got cut off.  Going back to the first point about like attracting like, should a Playa find himself in a situation where the girl has caught feelings, he immediately sets the record straight – giving the woman an opportunity to reset herself or remove herself from his roster. Playas love women – they aren’t conquests, fuck buddies or jump offs….they’re friends or ladies or “a girl I know”. They don’t call their friends at 3 a.m. drunk and expecting sex, they sometimes preface the sex with a quasi-date (as in “hey, you’re hungry I’m hungry…wanna grab a bite and then head back to your/my place?”) Say you meet someone that you do want to play with exclusively, you let the other one(s) know. They’ll respect you for it. Playas don’t flaunt their status either. My aforementioned friend doesn’t wear the jewellery I gave him on a regular basis – nor did I expect him to – the inscription remains an inside joke that he rarely explains to people…

They do the things a friend does…
Like remember birthdays, congratulate them on promotions, compliment them on achievements. It doesn’t make you a boyfriend to be happy for a friend does it? Geesh…would it kill you to say “congrats” if she announces on her wall that she got a promotion? Afraid of being too “familiar”? Lemme break it too you sweetie: you had your head between her thighs…you’re familiar. You don’t blow off your friends should something else come up, right? (if you do, you’re a shite friend) So should something come up, you don’t blow off your fling(s) either.

They NEVER denigrate an ex-fling.

What’s past is past. She could’ve been the worst night of sex in your life…the only person who needs to know that tidbit is your best friend and your therapist. Unless you are in  an interrogation room or on a witness stand, there’s really no need to disclose what her goodies are like. If you a multi-media type of Playa, you destroy all video/images or keep them under secure lock and key…i.e. a USB drive tucked away in a drawer with your porn collection, NOT on your laptop’s hard drive that’s then accessed by a drunk friend who has a YouTube account. If things end badly and sometimes they do… you let it go. Don’t try to be the hero… that’s mixing signals and crossing lines. You send through some sort of apology (as in “sorry things couldn’t work out between us”) and leave it at that.

Oh, most importantly be honest…
Wow. Honesty. How many times do I preach about that? Should you meet “the one” let her know about your Playa past. You don’t have to give names and dates, but you should be able to say something like “look, I was a bit of a playa…but I’m interested in commitment with you”. Besides, this reduces the awkwardness of those encounters… You tell the flings (when questioned) that you have met someone and you want to try commitment. I know one Playa that called his roster when he met “the one”. At first there was disbelief and ridicule, but as the months went by, those jokes turned to respect and when he announced that he was getting married, 3 of them sent presents! Presents!

When he told me that, I said “damn…you’re good”.

How many women can say that about YOU??

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