How Do I Get My Ex Back?

How do you get her back?

Eeesh. You don’t.

I’m of the firm opinion that once it’s over, it’s over. If you were on a break, it’s because you broke up. But…okay, let’s see what I can advise. Before you even attempt to try and get her back, first remember WHY you broke up in the first place. Okay, now that you remember the why and the how, proceed with the following questions.

Who made the decision?

If it was yours, you might as well stop reading now. You burned that bridge baby boy. I can’t help you.

Now, if she was the one who decided, I have to ask: why?

Reasons

Did you cheat? Yes?(insert dramatic sigh and Prince level side eye here). Nice try Tiger. Moving on…

Did she cheat? Erm, why do you want her skank ass back again? Stop and think about that, and then come back to the blog.

One guy said to me “I’m not sure exactly…” If that’s your answer, stop reading now.

Now, if it was because of a “stupid” fight, or a major misunderstanding, or because the relationship (in her opinion) ran its course…we may be able to salvage something. Keep reading.

Is she single?

If you don’t know the answer to this, I have to wonder why you even started reading… GO find out! That’s what social media is for, isn’t it? Go creep on her wall and report back to me.

If she isn’t single, don’t fool yourself into thinking that it’s not “serious”. You don’t know sweetie… they could be 3 days away from marriage. So, if you decide to make any declarations, tread lightly because you could get an emotional and literal smack down.

Now, if she IS single…proceed with caution. You have no idea what she’s thinking.

How long has it been?

Anything less than two weeks and I will smack you upside the head. The wounds are still fresh on both sides. Geesh. Anything said or done now is basically part of the breakup dialogue. Wouldn’t hold up in court.

If it’s been a few months or within the year…and you’ve had some dialogue, then maybe. MAYBE. Anything more than a year and I guarantee you she’s wondering, “why is he contacting me?”

Be honest with me, is it the sex?

Ahhh. Ex sex. Yum. (pauses to reminisce)

That’s all it is then. It’s not reconciliation. Now, if you didn’t have the “break up sex”, then maybe you can get in one more time for closure. But if you’re looking for booty for booty’s sake, she might be game, provided you are on her roster…if you don’t know about the “roster” then you need to catch up.

“It’s not just sex. I really miss her. She’s the one who got away.”

Well, I just threw up in my mouth a little at that, but again, we may have something to work with here.

Now, on to the advice part…

You need to prepare your argument.

Watch any of the Law and Orders? (c’mon they’re on 20 times a week) Good, see how they prepare a case? YOU need to do this. List all the reasons as to why the two of you would work and all the reasons why not (they call that cross examination). Okay. Practice your argument with a trusted female friend who does not think you’re crazy for trying to get this girl back. You need to hear it, so that you can effectively argue against it. Like a jury, she’s going to respond to truth and sincerity. If you are in any way half stepping…she’s going to see right through it.

You need a gesture.

Just in case the argument isn’t enough. We’re talking boom box (erm, iPod?) over the head outside her window gesture. Granted, you may get arrested, but you need something to show you’re willing to go the distance. That you’re invested.

Now, this has to be done on a case by case basis. No bombardment. Go in for the pitch and gauge her reaction. Do not call or text her daily. Give her time to digest. If she’s not responding… get a definitive answer and move on.

Now, there are some women as independent and fierce as they are, who are going to melt at the sight of something shiny, glittery, VVS quality. If she’s one of those women…get your ass to Tiffany & Co., Birks, or if your budget doesn’t allow for it, then uhm…Bittersweet? Just don’t go to Claire’s okay? Because then I will have to kill you.

Can you make a grill cheese sandwich? Good. Make her dinner…invite her over. It’s amazing how romantic a sandwich can look by candlelight…That was sarcasm. Order in her favourite foods. KD by candlelight is a myth…she will laugh at you. If you’ve done this before, I am laughing at you.

Can you sing? Yes? Good… break out the slow jams.

Flowers. Oh…okay, this is tricky. Flowers are like fragrance, women are very specific and some hate them period. I do know that roses are tired, over played and clichéd to the max…don’t even look at one. Tell the florist “no baby’s breath”. You will thank me for this.

The grandest gestures are the smallest ones. You want her back? You need to show her that you’re interested in her and invested in each other. Just make sure it’s well timed. Start the dialogue first, see how she’s feeling about it, and then when she’s not expecting it…BAM! Grand gesture. You thrown down the grand gesture first and she’s running for the hills. Too soon too fast.

The best “how he won me back story” goes as follows – no this isn’t my life…in fact, I think it’s an urban legend because I heard it from a friend who had a friend:

She’s a traveling workaholic (legal something or other) and he’s a struggling musician. They break up because as she put it, they were at different stages. He thought that they were a nice balance. Cue big fight and big break up. A few months go by and she’s stopped traveling; he’s still a musician but not struggling so much. He hears through mutual friends that she’s going to be at a party of theirs. He sends an email saying “I hope to see you, and I hope it won’t be awkward”. She responds “see you then”. She puts on her best “rear view mirror” outfit and interacts with him at the party. They have a good time. Eventually they’re on the porch talking in the wee hours of the morning and she notices that ALL the songs of the last half hour have been her favourite slow jams, ballads, etc…

Darlings, it was his version of the boom box, he conspired with the friends to create a specific iPod playlist to play that night…all the songs that played from the moment she arrived were songs that she loved. He created the atmosphere, he put her in the right mood, he argued his case, was ready for the cross-examination and…yeah. Fast forward a year later and they’re moving in with each other.

Ladies, how can he win her back? Offer your suggestions below.

xoxo/hlbb

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