Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang…When Your Booty Gets the Call

Some of you got laid last night…and some of you spent the evening polishing your equipment. For those of you who got laid, you either went out for the hunt, had it delivered to your door, or you’re in a committed VOD (vajayjay on demand) relationship.

But, there are a few of you creeping out of apartments this morning because you got the booty call.

It’s a bit of a rush isn’t it? Normally when we discuss the booty call, it’s from a woman’s (insulted) perspective…as in “I can’t believe his drunk ass called me for booty at 2 in the morning!” But there are those times when she gets the urge and instead of “painting her nails”, she wants to get a manicure.

Here’s an important thing you should know about women though: not all late night calls are booty calls. I know in your world they are, but – and yes I know I say this a lot – you have to pay attention so as not to misstep. For instance:

She has a roster. Booty calls for women aren’t random. She’s not just targeting any old dude for sex…so hopefully you weren’t mediocre. In this age of super multitasking sex toys and porn online, she’s not looking for the standard “Sunday morning marriage-type sex”…she wants the OH MY FUCKING GAWD kind of sex…the orgasms that make her legs shake, the kind where her neighbours two doors over know your name. There are usually, erm, 2-3 guys on that list…they’re single, they’re hot and they’re fantastic at what they do. Wham bam does NOT get you on a roster…it gets you benched and polishing your equipment.

Your ex probably has you on her roster. That’s why exes keep your number…admit it, that’s why YOU kept her number. When I say ex, I don’t just mean ex-girlfriend or wife…exes also include jump-offs that faded (usually because someone went the commitment route), the 3 dates but nothing happened, the summer fling, the winter fling that you got rid of in time for the summer fling…

However, it doesn’t mean that by calling for your booty that she wants the rest of you back. Generally it means that she wants sex from someone who already knows what to do and where to put it. Besides, ex-sex is usually of the OMFG variety.

Booty calls aren’t just for 1 a.m. anymore. Mid-day booty happens mostly on the weekend…when she’s bored, she’s cleaned her place from top to bottom, run all her errands, gone shopping and is now twiddling her thumbs. She starts thinking about the last time she got some booty…pulls out the super multi-tasking sex toy and thinks, “naaaaah”. That’s when your phone rings, the BBM goes off, or you get a text. Oh and “hang out” is such a guy phrase. She’s going to suggest a specific activity, but that activity is generally code for OMFG sex. We’ll invite you to watch a movie rental, help us with something we don’t really need help with – like the girl who works in IT asking you to come over for computer help, foodies will invite you for a meal…etc. If the activity strikes you as something you know doesn’t require two people or that you normally don’t get called for…shower and give her an ETA. Be very careful of the phrase “hang out”, because women will use it to really mean hang out. Unless she says it at 2 a.m., then it’s safe to say it’s for booty.

Booty calls from women are literally windows of opportunity – with a deadline. Whereas you might call for booty at 10 p.m. but still accept the booty if it comes to you at 2 a.m., she’s going to give you a timeframe. If you take your sweet time getting there, you’re screwed…well, actually you’re not. See, guys prep for a booty call by (hopefully) taking a shower and getting rid of distractions (i.e. your boy playing Madden on your couch). Women prep by prepping themselves, the bedroom and the apartment in general…so all that effort and you’re late? She’s pulling out the super multi-tasking sex toy and ignoring your calls. If she says “be here in an hour”, show up in an hour, okay? Good.

She’s not going to want to talk, cuddle or go for brunch the next day. You know how you have a booty call over and as soon as you bust a nut, you start thinking of the things you want to do next? Surprise! So does she. Like get a real manicure, meet her friends for brunch (or in the case of the mid day booty, dinner), read a book, do laundry. So please don’t attempt the fake intimacy thing. Keep it to small talk, have plans for after (plans that can be broken if more sex is imminent though), and be ready to leave. As for the morning after, she’s not making you breakfast or coffee. If you have to ask…sigh. If she’s come to you and makes moves to leave, do not ask her to stay unless you are asking her to stay for more sex. Make sure she gets home safely, whether you are driving her or calling a cab and requesting the “I’m home” text. This isn’t you trying to be “boyfriend material”; this is you being a courteous human being – stop confusing the two.

Speaking of courtesy, a few things you should come equipped with: condoms (yes, she called you, but again, it’s a sign that you’re a human being). Come clean (this ball washing in the sink thing has GOT to stop!), turn your phone to vibrate, (your X-Files themed ringtone is very inappropriate during foreplay) and come with no other expectations; you are here to GIVE booty.

At the time of this writing, it’s almost time for the Sunday Brunch Booty Calls…I’d go take a shower if I were you…

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4 thoughts on “Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang…When Your Booty Gets the Call

  1. Pingback: Monday Morning Pop Quiz: Men and the Booty «

  2. Pingback: How Do I Get My Ex Back? «

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