Hello, you stink…

Hi hunny bunnies, I have a favour to ask of you:

Smell good.

That’s it. That’s all we ask. I’ve been around too many of you lately who just smell, stank.

No, this is not when you’re coming straight from the gym or the basketball courts either. This is in the morning, at the club, or at mid-afternoon coffee as I stand in line behind you at Tim Horton’s. You need to smell good! It’s simple. Your mouth, your hair, your pits, your crotch…these all need to smell good.

I once dated a man who hated cologne because he didn’t want to mask his natural scent…his natural scent was a combination or Irish Spring and aftershave for his bald head, but whatever, I get it. You don’t want to be swimming in cologne.

 I took a quick poll on Twitter and via email the other day and asked women how do you like men to smell? Most said “shower fresh”. See? You don’t have to invest in bottles of (expensive) cologne to get laid; you just need to take a shower.

But yes, back to this stank phenomenon… I don’t know if there was a memo circulated at your secret men-only meetings, but who ever told you that stank = pheromones was wrong. Sweat is actually odourless. Pheromones are secreted whether you’re sweating or not. But stank? Stank is created when sweat from the apocrine glands (the ones in your armpits, hairline, crotch) mixes with bacteria on your skin’s surface…it has NOTHING to do with pheromones. That’s just stank.

Oh and spraying on Axe to cover it up? NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.

NO!

Smoke Stank

I’m not going to go into all the evils of cigarette smoking in detail, but I would like to point out one thing to you smokers of nicotine and herb alike: that shit is altering the way you would normally smell. It seeps into your glands and when you sweat…? Ick.

I once met a friend of a friend of a friend, who was repulsive personality wise. But you know what made him absolutely hellish? He was a close talker whose breath REEKED of weed and cigarettes. When he wasn’t talking, he basically smelled like 2 day old cigarette stank. Remember when people could smoke in the clubs? Then a few days later when you went to do laundry, your clothes reeked of stale cigarettes? Yeah, it was that kind of stank.

My eyes were watering.

You know what was really funny? After telling him to fuck off, he found a 3 a.m. girl to dance with. Now, I have a poor sense of smell, and my eyes were watering… so this girl’s nose must’ve been broken. Or she really liked her men stank.

Oh yeah, you may THINK you smell fine, but smoking also interferes with your olfactory senses, so you may not realize how bad you smell. The next time she takes a step back, think about what I said.

Food Stank

If you have food stank issues, see a nutritionist ASAP.  Dairy, yeast, and certain meats can affect the way you smell. I’m not saying you should go vegan, but balance that diet. You know what also can contribute to food stank B.O.? Sugar…refined sugars and fructose corn syrup. A high fructose diet (pop, junk food, etc) throws off your pH balance and can make you stank stink more than usual. If you’re willing, try cleansing every once in a while to get that stuff out of your system.

Food stank also affects your breath. If you’re drinking coffee all day, and having something spicy or onion-y at lunch… go right ahead. Just don’t speak for the rest of the day unless you’re brushing your teeth or sucking back on an Altoid.

Speaking of things you ingest, alcohol can also contribute to mouth stank, as alcohol dries out your mouth. Beer has yeast, which ferments and smells bad…wine has tannins…after a few glasses or pints, your mouth is going to stink.

Not only does what you ingest lead to stank…but it also contributes to funky spunk

Foot Stank

I had this boyfriend years ago, and one day he took off his kicks. My instant reaction was “hell no. That’s just wrong.” I looked carefully at his feet and almost died. I literally gave him a pedicure…because it was either that or end the relationship.

Seriously, I did.

I honestly don’t know how I feel about men in flip flops, and I know some of you loooove your kicks. That’s fine. Just keep your damn feet clean and dry.

Do you know what athlete’s foot is? It’s a fungal infection. YOU HAVE MOULD GROWING ON YOUR DAMN FEET! Let me repeat this: MOULD! ON YOUR DAMN FEET! While we’re on this, that’s also what “jock itch” is, it’s a fungal infection in your crotch…clean that up!

(no this is not license to wash your balls in my sink)

 Air your feet out, wear clean socks, wash your kicks regularly and get pedicures!

 6 Steps for Stank Maintenance

1 – wash your hands after your meals (and after smoking)

2 – baby wipes

3 – altoids or peppermint oil (a drop or two under the tongue)

4 – drink water regularly (helps to flush the stank out of your system) and add lemons

5 – keep clean and dry – especially the feet

6 – keep an extra stash of deodorant/antiperspirant on hand (in the car, at your desk)

How should you smell?

That’s entirely up to you darlings. I’m not here to say how you should smell good. Besides the “shower fresh” majority, there are women out there who love good cologne (I once followed a man for 3 blocks because he smelled good), some who prefer the natural odour (aka pheromones) and you know, there a few who like the stank (science indicates that this is because she’s ovulating…go figure).

So…yeah…

Go take a fucking shower. 

Ladies: the men do read, weigh in on what you like in the comments!

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2 thoughts on “Hello, you stink…

    • Water does amazing things. LOL
      A glass of lemon water as soon as you wake up helps flush out your system.

      Gum is actually a bad thing for you (which is why I didn’t recommend it). The chewing fools your stomach into thinking that it needs to digest food and your stomach starts to produce acid in anticipation…leading to acid reflux and stank breath.

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