he said / she said: the “nice guy curse”

The first post of its kind on HLBB!! A true “he said/she said” observation on a topic. Please welcome to the HLBB realm Mr. J. Pearson, a member of Live a Good Life – a lifestyle blog here in Toronto.

For this first “he said /she said” post we’re discussing the “nice guy curse”… J’s points start us off, and my rebuttals are the italicized text in brackets…check it out, have your say in the comments section and let’s start a dialogue. Ready? Set…GO:

he said:

Some of us have heard the saying before “Nice guys finish last”. Speaking as a former nice guy, I can tell you that nice guys do not always finish “last”. To fully speak on the nice guy phenomena, I would have to submerge my mind into all the situations in which it can occur, for the sake of this article I will mainly speak about one.

(Alrighty, let’s go…)

The nice guy isn’t hard to spot in a crowd; he is often described as “such a good friend” or “so easy to talk to”, but on the inside he yearns for something more. The truth about him is that he wants to be anything but. He seems to find himself being stuck in the dreaded “friend zone”. If you’ve never heard of this term, I will explain it to you: The friend zone is a dangerous place for a guy, especially if he likes the person that has banished him into that realm. What happens is that the female no longer looks at him as an option, but often turns to him when her other boyfriends treat her wrong.

(Women have the friend zone just as much as men do. Except men call it the “she’s not my first choice to fuck, but she’s cool to hang with so maybe one day I’ll try it” zone. Not everyone is going to have chemistry with each other, and should you as a guy stick around if she’s not feeling you? If you keep stepping up, hoping that she’ll see you’re “the one” after one of those breakups, should you not take responsibility for yourself and your feelings and move on?)

In other words you become her crutch. Slowly but surely this becomes redundant until Mr. Nice Guy builds up the courage to tell the girl how he really feels. The response is almost universal: “I do love you, but as a friend…” Girls might not know this, but those words are the equivalent to being kicked in the testicles.

(There is something to be said about the benefits of having a female friend, but this isn’t one of those situations. HOW did you become her crutch? Trust us, we KNOW the words “I love you like a friend” are like a kick to the balls, it’s equivalent to the feeling we get when we flirt with you, you sense it, and then turn around and ask our girl out on date. Again I ask, HOW did YOU let yourself get in this position? Nine times out of ten, we DO want your friendship, you do have all the qualities that we adore and appreciate – and dare I say it, look for – in a man, BUT we don’t want to fuck you. Ever have a girl in your life like that? HOW do you know she doesn’t feel that way about you? A.k.a the curse of the “Nice Girl”)

Irony tends to kick in after a while, usually after a female has been through about ten bad relationships; the “bad boy” image becomes jaded. This is when she smartens up and starts to search for a nice guy. The problem is the same guys she turned down years ago have now moved on to bigger and better things. Again the response to this is universal “Where did all the nice guys go?”

(Define NICE. See, when I hear that word to describe a guy, he’s usually the wimp. I’m an Alpha type female [in case you haven’t noticed] and “nice” guys are a turn off for me [and a few other women I know]. Call it a case of “throwback-itis”, but there are very few women who want a man they can “run”. We don’t purposely search for badasses, but we often mistake that badassness for DSS. When we realize that he doesn’t possess swagger and he’s just an asshole, that’s when it ends, and we whine about the lack of nice guys. When we say “nice”, it doesn’t necessarily mean “does whatever I ask and puts me on a pedestal”, it means “treats me with respect, kindness, but can display to me that he is his own man”. Imagine if you will, a female friend – the kind you don’t want to fuck – cooking your meals, helping to solve your problems, and hell, she even gives you a good lineup every two weeks and always tell you how good your look. WHY would you want to get rid of someone like that? Well, it’s really no different than you being her “fill in” date to a wedding, putting up her shelves or, even you picking her up from a day of shopping to go and have coffee with, while she tells you about ANOTHER bad date. Look, you want to impress her? Develop yourself outside of her shadow…’cause that’s all she’s seeing you in.)

Here is the answer to that question; the nice guys were the ones you ignored or turned down during high school (present day). The reality is most (of us) have grown up and now understand how the game works.

(This isn’t a game…we just don’t want to fuck you.)

Let me make something clear though, don’t get ahead of yourself nice guys, I am not suggesting you be a nice guy all the time.

(I read this as: let your balls drop yo, man up every once in a while)

Think about it: being a nice guy in the professional world doesn’t get you anywhere, neither does being the nice guy in a relationship. To be frank, being the nice guy is not a healthy lifestyle at all. This is why I’ve evolved into being the “smart guy” A smart guy knows which girls are worth being nice to and those who are worth the one night stand treatment. A smart guy can tell the difference between a woman he just wants to have sex with and a woman he wants to marry. A smart guy still has friends who are girls but does not get too involved in their love life. A smart guy is the halfway point between that bad boy image girls seem to be drawn to and the nice guy image that they look for down the road of life.

(I want to know why a nice guy can’t differentiate between the woman he wants to marry and the woman he wants to fuck. Why is this only the smart guy? Women aren’t drawn to bad boys, we are drawn to CONFIDENCE. Nice guys lack a certain level of confidence, the “smart guy” in this story is one that has developed a backbone and stands on his own merits, rather than standing on a pile of nice things he did for women in hopes of getting some pussy…)

(Ladies, I’m going to leave him the last word…but please weigh in…)

So women, next time you find yourself wondering where all the nice guys have gone, think about how many male friends you’ve had confess their feelings for you, only to be condemned to the friend zone? The number you come up with will represent only a small fraction of the nice guys that may or may not exist.


9 thoughts on “he said / she said: the “nice guy curse”

  1. Just wondering if you could make change the woman’s responses to a different colour so its easier to make out who is saying what (he said/she said)

  2. I think the reason why nice guys in this scenario are unhappy with the outcome is because they’re beaten at their own game. It’s a #swindle.

    Most of the nice guys to whom this calamity happens are guys that meet a woman and are feeling her but choose not to make a move…usually under the guise of “shyness”. Instead he chooses to befriend her, win her confidence, and basically get her ready for when he goes in for the kill. Then you want to say “nice guys finish last” when she doesn’t want to get with you? I call bullsh*t.

    How is this not at least a little dishonest? The impetus for the friendship is your own agenda, is it not? I’m sorry, but I don’t see how a man who becomes my friend so that he can get what he wants from me can really be classified as a “nice” guy.

  3. I hear you Max..I hear you,
    but I don’t think it is intentional. Some fellas simply lack that confidence to put it on the line, and that’s the curse of a nice guy, because in most cases the “nice guy” lacks confidence not only with women but in certain aspects of life

    Because of this the only option left to them, is to befriend with the hopes of one day connecting like a romantic comedy. Nerves is a really powerful thing.

    What most of these guys learn through natural maturity or years of frustration.. nice doesn’t equal frustration, it’s the balls that women go after (pun-intended)..confidence and purpose is the currency of life..including women.

  4. Great post!

    Being the nice guy sucks, they can’t say no. I think it’s knowing when to turn the Nice Guy switch on and off, but never an asshole. Because you never know, the girl the guy is being an ass to might have a friend that he might be interested in. And there goes your bridge/reference lol.

    I’ve been the asshole, then became single for a while and turned into a nice guy. It’s about finding the perfect balance. The nice guys need to grow a backbone and be chivalrous at the same time.

  5. Speaking as a notorious “nice guy”, I must say that the whole ‘meet in a bar and talk until we eventually hook-up’ thing never quite did it for me. I do like to become friends and understand exactly who you are before I’m in a solid relationship with you. Problem with many situations is that this just doesn’t happen. And say you meet someone whom you have daily contact with, who actually peaks your interest. The fact that you’re getting to know them somehow counts as “waiting too long” or “missing your shot”. The truth of the matter is that it seems that women rush as quickly into ‘having someone’ as men do into ‘hooking up with someone’, which leaves guys who are actually working on building something meaningful out in the dust.

    • I think what puts you into that “missing” out stage is the waiting too long. Nothing wrong with properly getting to know a woman, but if you hold back for too long, she might think that you’re only interested in friendship.

      For a lot of women (myself included) if you don’t make some sort of headway within say, a month, you risk being put in the friend zone.

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