Check Your References…

I’m on this HR theme lately with my posts… Today, I want to talk about your references.

One of my favourite quotes is: Tell me what company you keep and I’ll tell you what you are…” That, my darling boys, is something you all need to take into consideration. I’m not just talking about your circle of friends; I’m also talking about your past kicking your future in the ass.

Blame social media. 10 years ago you could get away with shit, and although we used to say “it’s a small world”, the fact is the world is even smaller because of that “people you have in common” link. You can be as stealth as you want, but someone is going to find out about you somehow. Once she gets past the basics, what is she going to use to find out about you?

Reference #1 – the man dem…
I freely admit that I take a good long look at his friends when deciding about a man. Why? Because I know how important they are to you; and they also give me some interesting insight. I knew a boy (many years ago) who had a crew of friends I’ll call the 5 Dwarfs:

Sleepy – always stoned…
Pimpy – life’s goal: to chase the cat…
Dummy – I asked him once if they even let him on the short bus…
Misogyny – who once told me the best way to make a relationship last with his boy, was to talk less and cook more (the previous girl didn’t)


Honey – not the actual boy, but the ONE friend of his that I actually liked… so I always called him “honey”…

I would wonder: which one is he REALLY like? Women wonder what you’re like when we’re not around, and we figure that the man dem is a great reflection of that. You want her to have a good reference point, so make sure you introduce her to the friends that she would want to hang out with. This is also why your wingman should be someone who makes you look good, but not just by looking bad himself. Your wingman should actually make her like him too, but because he’s your wingman he’ll be steady influencing her to choose you (no cockblocking). A good wingman knows how to do this…a bad wingman says a bunch of stupid shit, or worse yet, says nothing at all.

Reference #2 – the women dem
Oh, I bet you’re thinking about your exes, right? WRONG. I’m talking about the women who you either: hit it once and never called again; slept with a few times and never called again; slept with for a bit but things ended with a fizzle; or tried to sleep with but it never happened. Just because that girl is out of sight, doesn’t mean that you’re out of mind, okay?

This world can be especially small, and a reasonable woman is not going (well shouldn’t) get upset about the women who were in your bed (your kitchen, your backseat, the bathroom at the club…) before her.

BUT…true story:

Me: so dude…blah blah blah… but he seemed like a player so…
Her: oh yeah…I know him.
Me: really? How?
Her: (smiles)
Me: ooooh! (laughs) Yeah, for some reason, I couldn’t go there
Her: you didn’t miss much.


I’ve had this conversation quite a few times and for those few of you who still think that women don’t go in when talking about your skills in the sack (or lack thereof)…think again. Always make sure you get good references because you never know who she’s going to know. Don’t believe me? Watch the first 1:20 of this clip:

p.s. in case you didn’t catch it earlier, you should be doing the follow up call after you hit it.

Reference #3 – the family unit
How does that saying go? You don’t marry a man, you marry his family? Yeah, that’s why I’m not married.

But seriously, we are going to look at your family (as if you don’t do the same thing). How you treat your mother is the easy part, but it’s more about how does your dad, your brother, or your sister treat your momma…because that’s where the fine print is.

Family doesn’t always mean blood either. My family unit includes brothers from other mothers, sisterfriends, surrogate dads and back up moms. My blood relatives are dysfunctional at their best, so I don’t look for their approval. BUT if you meet my “family”, it means I like you. If you meet my best friend, you’re golden. The “fam” is important because they know me best and well, my best friend knows where all the bodies are buried…

Which is why we look at the family units – we wanna see where your bodies are buried. They know about the exes, the embarrassing moments, hell any arrests or convictions. They know your faults, your accomplishments and furthermore, they will tell us about them. When bringing her to meet the blood family – you know to be on your best behaviour, but when you’re with your “fam” we see you in your truest light, because your guard will be down. Now, don’t go putting your guard up because I’m telling you this, because this is the best reference you could possibly have. It works in the reverse as well: if the fam doesn’t like her, you have to stop for a moment and wonder why…they have no reason to be jealous, no ulterior motive…they just want to see you happy. So, if they’re not liking her, or if they see you change your behaviour in front of her, they’ll flag it (as they should).

Of the three types of references, which one has the most influence? It’s hard to say, but I would say personally, it’s the family unit. The man and the women dem can be taken with a grain of salt, but the family? Like I said, that’s you in your truest light and the one you CAN’T control. NO, you can’t…shut up…go ahead…try.

We want to learn about the real you, not the on your best behaviour you, not the Mr. Perfect you…the you that we’ll eventually see once the probationary period is up. So make sure your wingman is on point, that the women dem are raving about you in bathrooms and that the fam knows that whatever they do, they shouldn’t talk about that “thing” that happened that “one time”…


2 thoughts on “Check Your References…

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention Check Your References… « she said… --

  2. Pingback: Yeah…she’s just not that into you… «

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