So, I was having a conversation with a dude the other day about deal breakers, and he states that one of his deal breakers is “baby mothers”. Sigh. I hate this term. It’s derogatory and grammatically incorrect (where’s the possessive apostrophe people? “My baby’s mother”). Using this term reduces a human being to an ineffective and inaccurate description. So, I will ask all men who use this term to describe the mother of their children to please, come up with something else. No, you cannot use “mother of my kid(s)” either; it just sounds like the polite way to say “baby mother”. I have a craaaaaazy suggestion: why not “my ex”? Whether she’s an ex-wife, ex-girlfriend, ex-jumpoff or ex-one night stand, she’s an EX something, right?
Okay, on to the he said/I said part of the story…
He meets said girl in a social setting (bar/club/event) only to find out later that she has a kid. He thinks “what was she doing out at the club?”
Hmm. I get it, motherhood means your life should be spent at home, every single night with you kids, doing their homework with them, making dinner, giving advice, giving baths and telling bedtime stories. Okay, I see your point. Then fatherhood is…the exact same thing.
My response: does she have a baby sitter? How is this different from dinner and a movie night if she were married? Is the child locked in the apartment with only a glass of milk and DVDs to keep them company? Does she have a tween at home with adult supervision or is there a helpless infant in the car seat outside the club? What if she only goes out once a month and you happened to have met her on that night?!?!
I asked, “what about the guys who have kids that we women meet in the club? Shouldn’t THEY be at home with the kids doing homework and telling bedtime stories?” His argument was that “women are the primary caregivers…”
Newsflash: “primary caregiver” does not mean “sole caregiver”… (pointed stare)
My argument was that yes, she’s a mother, but she’s also a single woman. Where do single people congregate? At clubs, bars and social events…so is she supposed to wait for a fateful play date to transform into a real date? He suggested online dating, because that way she can meet “like minded individuals.” At datingsingleparents.com? What if she doesn’t want her own Brady Bunch?
I decided to use the race analogy, since he seemed to speak of the single mother as a race unto their own. I said, “I’m Black. Am I ONLY supposed to date Black men of West Indian heritage…because they would be ‘like minded’?”
Well…that argument didn’t work, because apparently yes…I’m only supposed to date Black men, preferably of West Indian heritage. My apologies to the White, Asian, East Indian and Latino men that I’ve dated over the years…from now on, I will only accept offers of dates from Black men…
(erm…lemme get back to you on that…)
I digress. I didn’t know my companion well, so I decided to turn the tables and I asked him, if he had any kids. Which is when I realized, sadly, that I had entered into an argument with an idiot ass, because yes, HE did have a kid.
Dude. Seriously. When did YOU get a free pass to be at social gatherings but your EX doesn’t have one? While we’re on the topic Mr. Hypocrite, you would pass judgment on a single mother who was present at this social gathering, but expect no judgment on you? Mr. Hypocrite then said, “well, what if I wanted your number? Would you give it to me knowing that I had a kid?”
You wouldn’t have gotten my number because you didn’t know how to drink; you wouldn’t have gotten my number because I didn’t like what you were wearing; you wouldn’t have gotten my number because I was surprised you held a conversation with me for as long as you did, considering you were twitching like a heroin junkie. You wouldn’t have gotten my number because I did not find you attractive. I wouldn’t give you my number for a variety of reasons, but having a child wouldn’t be one of them.
I was polite.
Me: “HYPOTHETICALLY speaking, I will admit that if I were in my 20’s, the answer would’ve been no. But HYPOTHETICALLY speaking, now that I’m in my 30’s I would have to know the whole story. For instance, if you had a bad relationship with your, ahem, EX and only saw your child sporadically… then I wouldn’t want to know you.” His response was, “but I pay child support!”
His next point was that women like me judge men like him because we want to avoid the “crazy baby mother”.
Here’s my rule: whenever a man describes a woman as “crazy” anything, it’s a red flag. Because now I need to know WHY she’s crazy?? I have found that “crazy” is usually a result of the dude. That “crazy” ex “baby mother” is probably calling him (or said girl) because she’s pissed that HE’s spending time with the girl before he spends time with the kid(s). Bottom line: HE did something to make HER crazy…because he wouldn’t have gone out with her to begin with if she was nuts, would he?
He then went back to his instant family argument, which was “you date the woman, you date the kids”. Ah yes, because women are the sole caregivers. So that means that all your dates will revolve around the kids…again, are we no longer using baby sitters? Why do men like this think that every single woman gave birth to Bebe’s Kids? Besides, how is kid “baggage” different from regular old “family” baggage?
Oh…wait. By “date” you mean that the kids will interfere with your sex life with this woman? Lemme ask you this: when you (hopefully, by some miracle) get married, you will (possibly) have some (in his case, more) kids, yes? Will you stop having sex because you now have kids? Stupid of me to bring up sex, because then he had the gall to say “besides, she’s had kids, so she’s all…y’know. Stretched.”
Okay, this time I did say “motherfucker, PLEASE!” He then tried to convince me that this was scientific fact; that a woman’s vagina stretches after birth. To which I said, “Yes, and there are thousands of woman out there who have pussies that are 10 centimeters wide! Dude, it goes back to normal!”
Him: “not all the way!!”
Me: “Vaginas after childbirth do not become cavernous black holes where your penis will disappear forever you dumb ass…”
Him: “it does.”
Me: “so does the vagina of a woman who fucks a cucumber every night for 6 months…it’s called muscle memory. Besides, women have kegels…”
(Yes, I had to explain kegels. Seriously, where do these men come from)
Bottom line: men if you are taking a pause at dating a woman or getting involved seriously with a woman you’re dating because she’s a mom, make sure it’s for the right reasons and not just because you think she’s stretched out (c’mon now, even Jenna Jameson has kids!). Don’t pass judgment…unless you’re ready to judge your boy beside you who left his wife at home with two screaming toddlers to play your wingman (yup, that too). Nor do you have to think it means that you will instantly become a daddy; you assume that the kid is going to like you…
I know lots of vivacious, smart, funny, and sexy as hell single mothers…if you’re passing on them based solely on the fact that she has a kid…maybe you need to grow the fuck up.