So I received an anonymous question on the blog the other day about threesomes. Mr. Anonymous wrote: “dear @hl_bb, you’re always writing about what women want, why not what guys want? For example, I want to have a 3-way with my girl and another girl, how do I ask in a way that she’ll say yes?”
Hmm. Ask in a way that she’ll say yes? I’m sorry Anonymous, there are no magic words that will make a fantasy a reality. I think that’s where some of you get things twisted. For you it’s just (more) sex, but sex for a lot of women is a very intimate thing and intimacy is a much bigger minefield than just plain old sex. How is a threesome different from asking for any other fantasy-type request? Well, let’s say you asked her:
To dress up: That’s you + her + a Wonder Woman costume = comic geek fantasy fulfilled.
To let you tie her up: That’s you + her + silk scarves + safety word = bondage fantasy fulfilled.
To make a video: That’s you + her + infrared lighting = sex tape scandal fantasy fulfilled.
I could go on, but I won’t. Because I think you’re seeing the point. Most fantasies involve just the two of you. Can you think of any of your other fantasies that involve bringing in another person? If your girl is the kind of woman who gets upset when she catches you checking out another woman, imagine that reaction to the power of ten when you ask her to watch you have SEX with one. It takes a person with a really strong sense of self to say “yeah, you can have sex with another person while I watch, it’s cool.” There are no magic words, but I think there needs to be a convergence of circumstances to make this particular fantasy come true…
Does she ever jokingly mention threesomes? I mean EVER? When it’s mentioned in conversation, what’s her reaction? Intrigue or disgust? Does she enjoy porn with you? Did she ever have that “one time” with a girl? These are some clues that MAY help. Because just her mentioning that another girl is attractive doesn’t count as openness to threesomes. So just because she’s said “I’d do Salma Hayek in a heartbeat.” please don’t equate that to “I’d do my BFF in front of you”…because the chances of her getting Salma are slim to non-existent at best…her BFF she sees at least once a week.
Baskin Robbins has 31 flavours…have you tried all of them? If all you have only been sampling Mint Chocolate Chip during this entire relationship, she’s going to be a little put out if you suddenly ask for Rainbow Sherbet. Visit the other areas of fantasy land first to gauge her receptiveness to this one.
Have you been together a while? Are you both at a stage in the relationship where you know nothing can divide you? Well, then maybe you have a chance, but if you’re only one year in…I’d say nope. Still too new. Have you been together 10 years? Might be too late…because if it’s too new or too “settled”, it could be a blow to the ego…
Actually, I’ve been talking about the main woman this entire time. Let’s talk about that other woman for second. Who should this other woman be?
If you choose a best friend, cousin or sister…you’re really setting yourself up for drama. No matter how close you are to her or she is to them, she will forever after wonder if you really wanted that girl all along and settled for her as second choice. I know I’ve basically eliminated every freakin’ female your lady knows, so now what? Well, she has acquaintances…or even better, find someone who you can choose together. Think of threesome planning the way you would vacation planning; both of you should have some say on what the itinerary and the attractions are. How? Well, isn’t this what Craigslist and swingers clubs are for? I think it boils down to this Playdate being someone neither of you see regularly…
Your choice of Playdate should be of equal or less attractiveness to your main lady. Oh stop it with the eye rolling…you’re already getting an extra pair of breasts to play with! (Among other things…) I suggest this because if she has any esteem issues at all, picking someone who she may believe to be more attractive than she, would only be setting you up for drama.
Neutral settings please. Either do it at the Playdate’s place, or in a hotel. Do NOT do it in the bed(s) that the two of you share. I asked a friend of mine about this, since she told me that she had gifted her husband with a threesome as 5 year anniversary present. Tradition usually calls for paper but hey, to each their own tastes, yeah? She said it was really important for her to not have it at home because she knew she’d get weirded out if she had to look at that bed the next night and flashback to all that had happened. Wherever you have this threesome, make sure the Playdate is not there when you wake up…send her home. Also, I’d advise you to not combine too many fantasies. You + Her + Playdate + bondage + camera = serious repercussions if you ever break up. Keep it simple stupid.
Talk about it before and after…but not too much. Not talking about it kinda gives the impression that the Playdate made more of an impact than she should’ve and talking about it too much? Well, then you’re just bragging. Speaking of bragging, I think it’s very important to NOT tell your boys about it. Because the next time they see her, they’re going to picture HER naked…with another girl…and do you really want your lady love to be the star of THEIR fantasies? Didn’t think so. Plus she’ll feel especially freaked out if she knows that THEY know because then she’ll be thinking that THEY’RE picturing her naked…with another girl…yeah, you see where I’m going with this.
The Playdate is the appetizer, she’s the main course. You can take that however you want to (double entendres allowed)…but you should definitely start with the Playdate and finish with her.
Most importantly, check your ego at the bedroom door. Because say she IS receptive, say she enthusiastically finds that Playdate, say it IS her BFF, because they REALLY do share everything, say she’s really into it, like REALLY into it. You can’t freak out…and you can’t be put out if she wants a different formula, i.e. HER + you + dude… Yup…dude. You opened this door, and it would be unfair of you to think that she doesn’t have a fantasy or two of her own…because if her wanting this threesome makes her seem a little slutty, then what the fuck are you??