A long long time ago in a far away land…men wrote letters to women to express their feelings. This lead to the creation of the Valentine, sonnets, ballads, poems, letters, and possibly the ghostwriter (Cyrano anyone?). But these days, y’all are sending women BBM messages that say “wan2slam? :)”
(good lawd, can you at least put the t on the end of “want?”)
The way we communicate with each other has been made more efficient; I mean let’s face it, those sonnets took years to write and be delivered…but in our efforts to condense our messages within the digital medium, we are fucking up our romantic/sexual intentions.
Take that BBM message my girl gave me as an example, the “wan2slam one”. Now, he may have meant: “damn girl, you are so sexy. I’ve been thinking about you all day. I really want to see you again and have sex for hours on end. Girl, I’ll paint your toes, make you breakfast, eat a peach until you beg for mercy…all you have to do is say yes. Anything to worship at your temple.” But how the HELL is she supposed to know that? That you took all those thoughts and condensed them into a message that took approximately 30 seconds to compose? There are times to be succinct; sexytime should not be one of them.
Then, there are those of you who facebook stalk (facestalk for short)…you need to stop. This is how to define a facestalk: Have you met her in real life? No? Then don’t ask for her number, out on a date or to even add your ass as a friend. Facebook is not LavaLife…Facebook isn’t Second Life…dating is a real life thing. Go out and meet people you lazy ass. Oh, I know that they say the best way to meet people is to look at your circle of friends, because like attracts like. That’s fine. But Facebook isn’t friendship. Facebook is a forum. Twitter is a forum and not the forum where these tactics are acceptable. I’ll ask you this: you go to a party, see a girl you like/lust after and your friend says “oh yeah, I know her…” do you then walk over to her and say “hey, you know my boy, let’s have sex!?” Yup. Didn’t think so; why would you do it online?
Okay. You HAVE met her in real life. The chances that she’s going to accept your offer of a date/sexytime encounter via IM, BBM or text is really slim. Take it back to the last century (ahem, the 20th) and call her. If you don’t have her number and she declines your request to get it…that’s a sign that she probably doesn’t want to go out on a date. The calling thing I would say applies to the first few dates…after that, whatever works for you both.
One thing that the phone has above all other communication methods is intonation. Think about how many emails have been misconstrued because the reader couldn’t tell if you were kidding? Forgot the smiley face? Didn’t put j/k? Yeah. Exactly. Choose your words wisely.
No sex in the DM room…because unless you ARE in a REAL relationship with her, you need to leave the sexytime comments out of your private timeline; they just smack of creepiness. Just because she follows you back doesn’t mean she wants to receive messages like “u’re pic is hot for real though, what does the rest of you look like?” (yup, I blocked and reported him for spam). Oh and if you see that she has publicly announced that she’s going to a place, please don’t a) invite yourself along, or b) show up.
I wish I didn’t have to say this but I do: don’t send pics of your junk. Depsite the fact that a few of you think I’m gay (not), or that I’m a man (nope) I like a penis as much as the next woman, but I don’t want to see your veiny shaft in HD! Okay, some women do but I’ve yet to meet one who went “ooh look what I got!” While waving her PDA around. Pictures of your package are crossing some sort of line. Besides, what better revenge does a woman have than to hit “FWD”? Actually, this goes for anything you do online…how many celebs have been busted by the “leaked” text message these days? Yeah, that’s because BBM is the new sex tape.
Read between her lines. She calls you “hun” “sweetie” or, if she’s me, “darling boy”, you should check to see if she calls anyone else that. Because if she does, then yeah, then you two do NOT have a “connection”. I call my 9-year old nephew “darling boy”, I call two or three male friends “pookie”; I have a penchant for calling men “papi”. Now, if she’s saying that to you privately…then maybe. But if you wake up every morning for her twitter roll call and she’s saying “good morning hun!” to you, that dude in Iceland and to a spam bot… then sorry hunny bunny, you’re not special.
Let her make the first move. I will give digital media one major plus in that it has allowed women to be more bold than they may actually be in real life; just like it has for you men. But because so many losers, pussy predators, and facestalkers have ruined it for her, she’s not going to take your words of endearment (lust) seriously. Oh, and if you are bold online, be prepared to back that up in real life. 21st century courtship should be a compliment to the real life courtship, not a replacement.
Or ignore everything I just wrote and get your ass blocked.
Let me know how that works out for you.