her lil’ black book presents…Mama HLBB

Ah yes… I was once asked after explaining a post to someone “does your MOTHER know you write this stuff?”

Well. No. Because if Mama HLBB knew that I was writing about men’s mating and dating habits, the conversation would go like this:

MHLBB: “Oh. Well, HLBB…you WRITE about this? (screwface) And people READ it? Not just your friends?”
HLBB: “(eye roll) yes mother. Hundreds. It gets emailed, posted other places, my BOSS has been known to read it. Men send me emails thanking them for the advice…”
MHLBB: “Mmm. How many of them ask you out on dates?”
HLBB: “(eye roll, arched brow) for your information lady, it has happened.”
MHLBB: “oh. I’m surprised. I figure if you’re not scaring them away with your crazy work hours and rude mouth, that THIS would do it for sure…y’know, you catch more flies with honey than you do…”
HLBB: “yeah yeah yeah…”

My sharp tongue. Yes, darling boys it’s hereditary. Mama HLBB has the gift of the venom. You ever wonder where I get my style of advice giving/tongue lashing from? Here…let me illustrate:

I’m 16 years old and my (male) BFF is hanging out and stays for dinner (Mama HLBB is an amazing cook). After a good meal, the friend decides to have a smoke and says to my mom, “do you mind if I smoke on the balcony?” Mama HLBB says “no…I don’t mind…” As he heads out, she shouts out after him “But you know smoking lowers your sperm count right??”

or

I’m 23 years old and my boyfriend is about to have his wisdom teeth removed. I have already gone through the procedure and we’re telling him what to expect. As he enjoys the meal that mama HLBB cooks for him (Okay, I didn’t inherit the cooking thing, sue me), she says “oh you know what else this means right?”

Him: “no…”
Her: “no sex for a while.”

(Note: she also bought me a black negligee for Christmas that year…)

or

As readers of my twitter account know, Mama HLBB would love it if I got married and had babies. After imploring me to have a child so she can bake cookies (ahem, never baked me a fucking cookie…) for this future grandchild, I said to her “look, you can have a son-in-law or a grandbaby…choose one!” Mama HLBB said “hmmm. Grandchild. I can’t wait that long for a proper man to show, I’m getting up there…”

and my favourite…

Mama HLBB cannot figure out why so many of my gorgeous, talented, and successful female friends are single (sometimes she includes me in this observation. Okay, occasionally…). One day she said to us “I don’t understand why men today DON’T get it! It’s like they haven’t changed since I was your age. They’re still playin’ de ass, and thinking that we have to put up with it! That may have worked then, but it’s not going to work in the year two-oh-oh-ten! They have no excuse; they have the internet! Can’t they just Google it?!?!”

You heard her, get to googling…

xoxo/hlbb (and mama hlbb)

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “her lil’ black book presents…Mama HLBB

    • I figured Oprah had a show about it… So I called and asked her.

      MHLBB: “vajazzling? No. What is that?a disease?”
      HLBB: “No…it’s when a woman gets waxed and then applies rhinstones to her va jay jay…”
      MHLBB: “I’ve heard about Brazilians. Isn’t that the same thing?”
      HLBB: “No. So Oprah hasn’t done a show about it?”
      MHLBB: “noooooo. She wouldn’t do something like that. Why would would people want to put rhinestones down there? It must have been a man that came up with that frigging idea. Why you young people do this shit I don’t know…”
      HLBB: “okay, it was a silly question…I thought I’d ask.”
      MHLBB: “well now if someone asks me, I’ll have to hang my head and say that I do. But I’m not going to explain what it is…”

  1. Wow. Mama HLBB sounds a lot more fun than Mama Maxfab, who constantly urges me to come out of the closet by reassuring me that she’s not one of those mothers who won’t accept her lesbian daughter.
    She’s hip.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s