This is the sign each woman should have in her bathroom…
Do not wash your balls in my sink.
This whole thing was started by the ever hilarious @maxfab… (of max-logic, a blog you should be reading) and her BFF @emti (who is so diva, she doesn’t need a blog). Max asked the ladies of Twitter what preparations we make when we have a gentleman caller. She then asked the men if they do any sort of preparation; to which @emti replied, “They wash their balls in the sink”
Okay. Wait. Full stop. WHAT THE FUCK? Raise your hand if you have washed your junk in a lady’s sink before or after the deed. Okay, those of you with raised hands, smack yourselves. I did not realize that I had to go through basic etiquette with you guys, but apparently I do. These rules apply generally to you single boys who enjoy sexy time with a lady (or ladies if you’re that talented)…
Okay, it’s been established that you’re getting some. Awesome. Great. Even if you were never a boy scout, you should always be prepared:
Breath – please chew gum, pop a tic tac, drink lots of water, have a travel sized bottle of Scope in your glove compartment/bag/whatever you carry your stuff around in. It’s a huge turnoff if you’ve got that stale alcohol stank – or even worse, that stale weed breath coming at you. Even if both parties are drunk, you don’t want her first thought to be “gawd, his breath is rank!”
Condoms – first of all, you already better know this. If you don’t, you’re either too young or too stupid to be reading this blog. You should have a stash somewhere. Responsible women should have stash as well, but hey, it’s your penis and the protection of it should be a priority… as I once said to a guy, “I don’t expect you to be walking around with extra stash of birth control pills, do I?” If you find yourself in the position to get some play and are condomless, there are also lots of 24-hour places where you can get some protection.
Timing – The woman who wants some, wants some at that moment…coochie offers come with an expiration. So, DON’T spend an extra hour with the boys…DON’T stop off to take care of a thing – unless that thing is to take a shower (more on that in sec) or buy condoms. SHE is waiting. SHE is willing. SHE is not willing to wait 2 hours for your ass to come over. You kept her coochie waiting and there’s no big payoff? Dude, you risk never being offered the coochie again.
Oh, and if you get invited over and then go MIA? Send her a text message the next day that reads “I know that I have totally guaranteed that I won’t be getting the coochie offer ever again. Thank you for the opportunity.”
Grooming – I started with breath, because you need some lead time to make sure that’s in order. But let’s look at the rest of the body. Are you at home? Great, take a freakin’ shower. Because this washing the balls in the sink? OMFG this is just wrong. If you wash your balls in her sink, just leave. Do not pass Go, do not collect any coochie.
Not near a shower? Two words of advice from a guy: “baby wipes”.
Accessories – unless you two have a mutual understanding, leave the toys and fetishes at home. Especially if this is first time coochie. Unless you two made arrangements for coochie via craigslist, you may scare her off if you bring over the bondage mask and nipple clamps.
Determine what she’s expecting – does she like foreplay? Does she want you to be ready to go as soon as she opens the door? Does she want to go through the pretense of small talk or watching that movie? Learn what she’s expecting (yes, we give hints about that) and act accordingly.
Now, when you’re invited over to someone’s house, you’re a guest, they take care of your needs, feed you, clear the table etc. But when you’re invited over for coochie, you clean up after yourself. I am friends with one generous woman who preps a warm soapy towel for you…hell, I’ll let you take a full shower! But you really should be cleaning up after yourself in this circumstance. Oh and again DO NOT WASH YOUR BALLS IN MY SINK!
If she mentions having to be somewhere or work in the morning, think. What hints do you drop to let a woman know you’re not looking to spend the whole night? Yeah, we’re just as capable. So get up, get in, and get out. If she starts the seduction routine all over, she wants another round. If she reaches for her Blackberry/iPhone and checks her messages, salvage what’s left of your pride and go home immediately.
Welcome to the morning after. I personally am not the type for false intimacy. I don’t want to share brushing my teeth with you, discuss my plans for the day, or learn how you take your coffee. Now, I know some of you like morning sex, so this is where that mini bottle of scope comes in handy…
The thank you – you know when you got a present that you didn’t really expect? If it was a great present, you thanked the person. If it was a good present, you thanked the person. If it was a crappy present, you faked a smile and thanked the person. So, say thank you.
It’s all just good manners.