Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang…When Does Sex Equal “Relationship”!?!

Well okay, it’s like, the 5th Sunday morning you’ve woken up beside her. You guys get up; do your thing, and head out for yet another lazy day. It’s one of those great afternoons. You didn’t have to wait too long for brunch; Twitter is full of funny updates…life is good.

You two are walking along, hand in hand (when not texting/BBMing or Tweeting) and then…

It happens. You bump into a couple of her friends and she says, “…and this is my boyfriend…”

But, you didn’t hear the rest of the introductions. Because you’re too busy dodging pedestrians as you ran down the street.

Whoa, I know darlings, I know. You hit it…you like hitting it…she’s good people…but why do you have to be in a relationship? So soon? You guys were chilling. You guys were feeling each other out. How did she become your girlfriend?

I know sweetie. You went to sleep a single man…and woke up with a girlfriend.

Generally, there are stages to –for lack of a better word – a relationship.

– the s at the end is important as we are talking about multiple yet isolated events; i.e. “we went out on a few dates”

Fucking – I really shouldn’t have to explain this…

Dating – the isolated events become regularly scheduled ones, punctuated by some pretty good sex…

Decisions – you decide or she decides that you should talk about where things are going…

Definition – you guys try to figure out if you going to go from Dating to being in a Relationship

Declaration – you introduce her to friends and family as your girlfriend (or, shudder “wifey”)…

Look again at those stages. One of these things is not like the other. One of these things is just not the same…


(I tried to make it easier by not making it start with a D)

With me now? Good…

Women for the most part don’t have a “fucking” stage. Yes, we are sexually liberated; we even have sex on the first date (yet you still judge us, isn’t that right MaxFab?); we can do the “no strings attached thing”, but I don’t know many women who have a fucking stage in their relationship evolutionary chart.

Yes, we have “buddies” “arrangements”, whatever cute euphemism you want to attach to the guy that we’re fucking. But THAT guy? That guy is not you.

If you help us with our grocery shopping (and why wouldn’t you since you had dinner last night?) you’re not that guy. If you’ve hung out with her friends for a birthday, you are not that guy. If you have assembled IKEA furniture for us or had a movie night in, you are not that guy.

You are not that guy she’s fucking…you’re that guy she’s dating.

Get it?

THOSE guys – they never see daylight. They maybe meet one friend, and they’ve only met that friend because that’s our “in case the police calls” friend; the one with a really good memory, who memorizes exactly what THAT GUY was wearing on the night in question.

Oh. Are you seeing anybody else? Heh. Like you have time between school/work/weekly golf game/Friday night drinks and Call of Duty match up. So, you’re only seeing her, right? Hmm. A big chunk of your free time is spent with her, sharing intimacies n’ shit and you’re wondering why she’s calling you her boyfriend after 8 weeks?

8? Yes, that’s 5 weeks of sex plus the 3 weeks prior when you were trying to get it…

Were you clear with her about what stage you two were at?

Yes, I know, it’s hard to have that kind of conversation when you’re well, hard. Plus, having the conversation automatically means that you’ve jumped to the Decisions stage. So the question becomes how do you get laid without getting caught up?

I read this quote the other day: “Among men, sex sometimes results in intimacy; among women, intimacy sometimes results in sex”

Plain English: Stop acting like a boyfriend in exchange for sex you idiots.

Intimacy: routine, regular, familiar… if your behaviour indicates a certain intimacy, she’ll give up the booty and in doing so, think that you are going to define the relationship…eventually. If it looks like a boyfriend, acts like a boyfriend…then it must be a…?


This does NOT mean that you act like an ass or keep her at an emotional distance. If you want her as a girlfriend, do it. I know that by having the fucking stage, you have that contingency. “Contingency” meaning that girl you were trying to get with before is now available and if you are only at the fucking stage then it’s not cheating and…

Shut up. Focus on what’s in front of you for second.

She has evaluated your boyfriend potential based on your behaviour to date; if you act like an asshole you will only get cut off from the sex. If YOU have set the bar high, you can’t suddenly not clear it on the next jump, okay? So save this info for next time.

So your…“girlfriend” has finally caught up with you and asks why you suddenly felt the need to imitate Usain Bolt?

Do not retreat. Nope. You don’t get to back down. Man up and say you were caught off guard because as much as you like her, you didn’t realize that you two were at the Relationship stage. At this point, she’s gonna call your ass out for all that “boyfriend like” behaviour. Then she’ll say “so, what? We were just fucking?”

DON’T SAY “well…yeah?”

Say, “well, we are dating, I’m not sleeping (fucking) with anyone else, but the relationship stage is a big one. I just want to make sure I’m doing it right.”

She will do one of two things: walk off in a huff and not call you until you make it up to her, and Decide that she’s your girlfriend. Or, calm down and realize that she might’ve rushed the Decision stage a little.

Let’s recap. Don’t act like a boyfriend unless you plan on being a boyfriend. Meaning don’t share intimacies in exchange for sex. Don’t give signs (like meeting your friends, your family etc) and for gawds sake, don’t have brunch with her 5 weeks in a row!



3 thoughts on “Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang…When Does Sex Equal “Relationship”!?!

  1. You are so effing right.
    This is a beef I have with both men and women. I tell my guys all the time “you gotta learn to treat a ho like a ho”. Meaning don’t act like you want to wife it if you just want to slam. And I tell girls that no matter what he does, no matter what he says, no matter how much time you spend together, he is not your boyfriend until you have that talk.
    Now I’m going to save my breath and direct them to this post instead.

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