Let me start by saying, if I hear the word vajazzle, or any of its conjugated variations one more time…I will throatpunch someone.
Okay guys, if you are in a private place, drop your pants and look at your crotch (and by private I mean your house…not your cubicle at your desk). See the hair down there? Yeah…guess what? Women get hair down there as well. Which we then wax, shave, trim, bleach (!) and basically fuss with every 3-4 weeks.
Let’s start with some Waxing 101. Women are waxed based on the limits of a bikini. Hence the name “bikini wax”. Basically, any hair that is visible beyond the borders is considered excess and is removed by applying hot wax to the area and ripping the hair out by the root. Best left to professionals, some brave (crazy) women do it on their own. A “French Bikini” removes even more hair and essentially leaves a woman with that “landing strip” look. The ultimate is the Brazilian (a.k.a “the Sphynx” or “the Hollywood”), which is the removal of all hair. Remember that, ahem, video you saw last night? Yeah, the porn girls had Brazilians.
Le sigh…all this effort. Do you think it’s to make it that much more entertaining for you while you’re down there? C’mon, now admit it…how often do you just stop to admire her landscaping? So why do women do it? It’s NOT just for your benefit, although there are some women who let the garden over grow if they’re single, then run to the nearest spa the moment they have a date with prospects…Yes, prospects. Forget the “sponge-worthy” thing…“Brazilian-worthy” is where it’s at now.
Let me reiterate. See what I wrote about the hair being ripped out by the root? I’m not exaggerating. Grab a pair of tweezers, remove one hair from your knuckle, upper lip or if you’re brave, your crotch. Multiply what you felt by a few thousand…repeat every 3-4 weeks. Have you ever had an ingrown hair after shaving? Hurts like a bitch don’t it? Yeah, well, in-growns are a side effect of ALL types of hair removal, so when you catch her scratching her coochie like she has a serious case of jock itch; it’s most likely in-growns.
Now, what if her coochie isn’t coiffed the way you’d like it to be? How do you ask her?
Barter for it. One girl had the guy explain that the only way he’d give her head was if she got a full Brazilian. She ended up getting half-hearted head and in-growns. She’s still bitter. Hell, I’m still bitter for her.
Use porn as an example. Suggesting to your girlfriend that she might look nice with Halle Berry’s haircut is one thing. Suggesting that she copy Jenna Jameson’s coochie will guarantee that she’ll never do it. She’ll also accuse you of being a porn addict.
Do not suggest it’s hygienic. Yes. It can be, but for you to say that implies that she has a smelly coochie. If she does, that’s another blog post. If she doesn’t, she’ll be pissed. Plus I have two words for your hygiene rationale: sweaty balls.
Suggest the benefits, for her. Yes. Less hair means that the nerve endings on the skin are closer to the surface. Sex can be enhanced, for her. The sensation of your hands and tongue and penis (uh, hello, yes, all three, there’s no “or”) will be intensified for her.
This is what one would call a “win/win”…
That’s it. That is the only reason women spend $50 every 3 weeks is so that sex feels better for US.
Oh, you didn’t know it cost that much huh? Do the math, she’s spending $1000 per year (we always leave tips) on her coochie, to basically have someone inflict pain…
The very least you can do is kiss it and make it better…