Coochie. Coochie. Coo…

Let me start by saying, if I hear the word vajazzle, or any of its conjugated variations one more time…I will throatpunch someone.

Okay guys, if you are in a private place, drop your pants and look at your crotch (and by private I mean your house…not your cubicle at your desk). See the hair down there? Yeah…guess what? Women get hair down there as well. Which we then wax, shave, trim, bleach (!) and basically fuss with every 3-4 weeks.

Let’s start with some Waxing 101. Women are waxed based on the limits of a bikini. Hence the name “bikini wax”. Basically, any hair that is visible beyond the borders is considered excess and is removed by applying hot wax to the area and ripping the hair out by the root. Best left to professionals, some brave (crazy) women do it on their own. A “French Bikini” removes even more hair and essentially leaves a woman with that “landing strip” look. The ultimate is the Brazilian (a.k.a “the Sphynx” or “the Hollywood”), which is the removal of all hair. Remember that, ahem, video you saw last night? Yeah, the porn girls had Brazilians.  

Le sigh…all this effort. Do you think it’s to make it that much more entertaining for you while you’re down there? C’mon, now admit it…how often do you just stop to admire her landscaping? So why do women do it? It’s NOT just for your benefit, although there are some women who let the garden over grow if they’re single, then run to the nearest spa the moment they have a date with prospects…Yes, prospects. Forget the “sponge-worthy” thing…“Brazilian-worthy” is where it’s at now.

Let me reiterate. See what I wrote about the hair being ripped out by the root? I’m not exaggerating. Grab a pair of tweezers, remove one hair from your knuckle, upper lip or if you’re brave, your crotch. Multiply what you felt by a few thousand…repeat every 3-4 weeks. Have you ever had an ingrown hair after shaving? Hurts like a bitch don’t it? Yeah, well, in-growns are a side effect of ALL types of hair removal, so when you catch her scratching her coochie like she has a serious case of jock itch; it’s most likely in-growns.

Now, what if her coochie isn’t coiffed the way you’d like it to be? How do you ask her?

You don’t:

Barter for it. One girl had the guy explain that the only way he’d give her head was if she got a full Brazilian. She ended up getting half-hearted head and in-growns. She’s still bitter. Hell, I’m still bitter for her.

Use porn as an example. Suggesting to your girlfriend that she might look nice with Halle Berry’s haircut is one thing. Suggesting that she copy Jenna Jameson’s coochie will guarantee that she’ll never do it. She’ll also accuse you of being a porn addict.

Do not suggest it’s hygienic. Yes. It can be, but for you to say that implies that she has a smelly coochie. If she does, that’s another blog post. If she doesn’t, she’ll be pissed. Plus I have two words for your hygiene rationale: sweaty balls.

Moving on…

You can:

Suggest the benefits, for her. Yes. Less hair means that the nerve endings on the skin are closer to the surface. Sex can be enhanced, for her. The sensation of your hands and tongue and penis (uh, hello, yes, all three, there’s no “or”) will be intensified for her.

This is what one would call a “win/win”…

That’s it. That is the only reason women spend $50 every 3 weeks is so that sex feels better for US.

Oh, you didn’t know it cost that much huh? Do the math, she’s spending $1000 per year (we always leave tips) on her coochie, to basically have someone inflict pain…

The very least you can do is kiss it and make it better…


10 thoughts on “Coochie. Coochie. Coo…

  1. the best investment i ever made was getting laser hair removal. yes, even down there. less pain than waxing, lasts wayyyyy longer. highly recommend it!

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  3. To __melissa – LASER??!?! You pointed a LASER at your coochie? OMG GUYS – see what I mean? This is bravery, this is dedication, this is a coochie you pay homage to.

    To jojo – “nail on head” *snickers* hehehehe

    • lol! yes m’am. it is honestly more for me than anything. it does not hurt….not even a fraction of the pain of waxing. it’s not quite permanent, but it’s pretty damn close to it.

      i wish more ppl paid homage! lol.

  4. “The very least you can do is kiss it and make it better…” that line right there? icked the stamp on it, sealed the envelope …. great post… 🙂 *still behaving*

  5. im fucken dying at work right now. i think one little thing was left out though and thats that we dont mind the effort going BOTH ways! im sorry but i dont want to floss my teeth with ur pubes while im giving u head. how sexy is it really when u get a hair caught in the back of your throat or u have to start trying to spit out that pesky hair thats in ur mouth?? LOL. #justsaying

  6. to: Mafa – bwahahahaha… In high school, I once had a guy shave the entire region on a dare! He was crazy like that. Ooooh, he itched for weeks! Said he liked how he looked (i.e. bigger – haha). Funny thing was, we were never intimate! It was just a dare…

    GUYS – it should be a given that you trim your pubes. You cut your hair, trim your beard, and some of you even get rid of the unibrow… this should be part of your maintenance…besides, you’ll look bigger. Again: “win/win”

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