Because it happened to me…the illusions shattered edition.

In all the blog posts I’ve written and in all the situations I witnessed, I never thought I would have to write about this guy. If you want the details…keep reading. If you just want the moral of the story, skip to the last paragraph. I’ve had my shares of ups, downs and dramas lately (sigh), but this came out of left field and I won’t lie darlings…it’s hurting. All because I never thought that this guy would do this…

This guy has known me for more than half my life. This guy is a person who I’ve celebrated family moments with. This  guy is a person I called when my sister passed away  years ago. This guy called me nena (Spanish for baby girl). This guy dedicated “Miss Independent” to me on Facebook, joking that Ne-Yo must’ve met me. This guy ruffled my curls and told me I was cute. We talk maybe 3, 4 times a year.  He’s like family…

I know that he’s going through a separation from his wife and a host of other things right now. So, when I got the email out of the blue last week asking to see me today I thought “yeah, it’s been too long since we’ve seen each other…” He then he called me to see why I hadn’t answered the email. I explained I was busy.  He said that he was getting together with friends for lunch at a new restaurant on Monday and wanted me to be his “date”…

Nothing weird about that…

He then kept asking me to call him later on in the evening to confirm (when I already said I go). When I didn’t call back right away, he called again and we proceeded to have a catch up chat. He grilled me about a few life things…work, creative endeavours, etc. etc… and then he asked about my “status”.

Again. Nothing weird about that…

After detailing my status, he dismissed it with two words, literally 2 words. Then the conversation got weird. How happy he was to be seeing me etc. etc. Then, he mentions a person I casually know out of the blue and asks how I know him. When I tried to find out how HE knew the person, he said, that “(I) came up in conversation”. Without details, let’s just say that ME coming up in conversation with these two people would not normally happen. Okay. It would never happen…

(Okaaaaay…)

Other odd comments came up…joking that I should move away with him to the U.S. (I’m gonna say he was joking)… that my ex was stupid for leaving me…that my quirkiness is why he’s always loved me…that my skin is “so soft”…

(Whoa.)

Now, any questions about his wife or his situation? Deflected. Wouldn’t you tell a friend – scratch that, a friend who is like family – what’s going on? Gentlemen: tell me if I’m overreacting. Ladies: please tell me I’m overreacting. You don’t know how badly I want to be overreacting right now. It wasn’t so much the words as it was the tone. It’s a tone I’ve heard a few times now and it shocks me every time; the tone where the guy wants to cross that line from friendship to “whatever”. I do not want to be hearing this tone from this guy. What hurts, is that after years of friendship I’ve experienced people trying to cross that line before with the explanation that I’m seem amenable to it.

I’ll be the first to admit I’m neurotic, so when the call came today that lunch with friends would need to be dinner with friends, I said “okay” (with hesitation).

Him: “maybe we can go to the movies after? Just me and you?”

Me: “well, I was really going to support this new restaurant of your friend’s. But since I can’t really eat there (dietary restrictions and allergies), I really should come home and prep for the move and, y’know eat…”

Him: “oh, well we should go out, just you and I. And since that we can’t meet everyone until 6 for dinner, they’ll have to head back to Windsor early, so we can always do something…?”

Me: “I can commit to dinner, but I’ve got other things to take care of.”

After that conversation, I called the BBFF (Boy Best Friend Forever) for feedback as these conversations were setting off the spidey senses (which I always trust). So I told him about the conversation – and he said:

“What? Did he just ask you out on a date?”

(As if I wasn’t already having an upsetting weekend…)

After relaying the conversations to him, my trusted advisor says, “find whatever excuse you can and DON’T go to dinner”.

So now, I sit here spilling this out, in hopes that a bunch of you will read this and tell me that I’m being neurotic and overreacting. Like I said, the words, the examples I’ve given are isolated and without intonation. What I heard is what I inferred…and because I’ve heard it a few times before, I sit here upset, saddened and disillusioned (and hungry).

As I write this, I remember that the ex he mentioned never liked him, because he always thought that this guy wanted “something” and I’d always say, “pffft! He’s family! You’re overreacting!”

(I think this is what they call ironic)

Guys…the moral of the story is we need to establish a statute of limitations on crossing that line. If it’s been say, more than 2 years, you cannot ask for dates, benefits, nothing. After those years, you cannot cross that line, nor tell the person that you want to cross that line. If you are married (legally, emotionally, whatfuckingeveryouwanttocallit) you NEVER EVER cross that line; you don’t even mention the idea of it jokingly. We are your friends. That’s it. To cross that line insults the friendship. The realistic amongst us know that you put us in your spank bank, but don’t ever tell us and leave it as a fantasy. Just let us stay your friend.

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7 thoughts on “Because it happened to me…the illusions shattered edition.

  1. I don’t believe that you are over reacting; and saying no under these circumstances is probably the best thing. However his percetion of your relationship may have been a different one. One where he felt that asking you out, or refrencing your soft skin was ok; perhaps even his tone, or reference to alone time was acceptable in his eyes.
    Maybe this line that you’re referring to didn’t exist in his eyes, and what he really needed was a reality check from you. Something along the lines of “listen buddy… you’re like a brother to me… if you want to meet up fine… but none of this soft skin, asking about my private life nonsense… I don’t want to know you like that”. It’s always how we (the ladies) react in a given situation that determines the longevity of a monotonous relationship. We have to define the line.

  2. Oh boy. This is the worst. It seems that with (some) men, nothing is sacred and there is no boundary that they will not cross. Case in point – both I and my sister have been propositioned by our respective god-brothers at some point in our lives. Men that we grew up with, that were like family, that we would never have considered going there with. Dude – my cousin’s uncle – whom I grew up calling Uncle Adrian – tried to chop me last year. It’s so traumatizing.
    I hate to tell you, but it’s unlikely you’re overreacting. A)because you’re smart enough to recognize this kind of foolishness and B) because unfortunately, most men take it there at some point. You need to tell him about his parts.

  3. You always gotta go with the instincts so if your heart/gut whatever is telling you this guy got some suspect motives, than regardless of whatever people tell you, you gonna feel what you feel. I know you’re hoping this guy ain’t doing what u think he doin, but sadly if that’s what u feel it is, than it probably is. Your feelings may be wrong, but I gather they more times right than wrong.

  4. I know this is a bit late, but I’m new to your blog…
    Anyways, From a guys perspective looking in on this… you need to realize that unfortunately guys in this mental/emotional state (ie going through separation) are in most cases experiencing self esteem issues.. although they will never admit it to themselves or anyone else.
    His mental state is obviously not on point.. so in an effort to boost the self-esteem he goes to where he knows has had a stable track record in the past to see if he can find acceptance.. obviously the wrong kind of acceptance in this case… Thinking he can probably hook up with this long time female friend who he has seen as a sister in the past.. but has always probably had a hidden attraction to. (in my opinion there is no such thing as a platonic relationship)

    i don’t think you were overreacting because his actions are a bit off… however if you have known him for so long.. you should be comfortable to call him out on his actions and as you mentioned state where you draw the lines.

    • Weird. I had not heard from him since that call. Guess who I hear from this evening? Wanting to come over, go for coffee…

      From my tone, he sensed something. He also was shocked when I didn’t say “yes” right away. (I never say no to family…but he’s no longer “family” right?) He then said “did I do something wrong? You never say no to me…”

      Grrr. He didn’t ask if everything was okay in my life (and trust I’ve had a SHIT couple of weeks, including deaths) and HE asks “did I do something?” Ain’t guilt a bitch?

  5. I want to tell you you’re overreacting but, I don’t think you are. The gut never lies. If you feel like something is off or there has been a shift from how he usually interacts with you – you’re probably right.

    I’ve been in this situation before and I always hate that feeling of “Why did have to go and say/do that…we were such good FRIENNNNNNDS. AHHH!” Its weird but, when friends have done this kind of thing in the past (made it clear that they are trying to ‘cross over’) part of me always loses a little bit of respect for them because I feel like they are wrecking something that I held dear (the friendship). If the situation is making you uncomfortable, I would just keep my distance. Looking at it optimistically, maybe this is just some kind of weird phase for him & he’ll return to his normal self/behavior in due time.

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