How to NOT become a Valentine’s Day Cliche…

Ah…Valentine’s Day. Probably one of my least favourite days of the year simply because it’s become such a cliché…I would under normal circumstances avoid this topic entirely, but darling boys, I write for you; so for you, I’ll address the topic. A few weeks ago, one guy asked my advice on how to propose today. My advice was “Don’t do it today, for the love of gawd, don’t do it today!” Usually, men approach this day with fear and trepidation, but that’s because they feel compelled to do something if attached. So you all end up doing the same thing and that’s how clichés are born. Sigh…With only a few hours to get it right, here are some suggestions on how not to become a cliché on Valentines Day:

The cliché: buying roses.

The misguided logic: all women love roses, right?

No. They do not. I have yet to meet one who does. Before you buy the (overpriced) roses with that cheap ass baby’s breath (those little white flowers) try this:

Peonies. Calla lilies. Birds of Paradise. Anemones. No baby’s breath! These bouquets won’t look like everyone else’s AND sometimes,  cheaper than roses, because they are in season at this time of year. (see I got you on this!)

The cliché: dinner at a fancy restaurant.

The misguided logic: expensive dinner = getting some later.

Maybe. But do you want obligatory reciprocal sex or some real booty? Try this:

Pick up dinner from her favourite place…get a nice bottle of wine or prosecco. Hell some KFC and a six pack of Corona can be sexy if done right… The setting? An indoor picnic complete with picnic basket and candles. Turn down the lights. Turn off your phones. Yes, still dress up.

Bonus…you’re even closer to the bed this way…or the kitchen…or the couch…

The cliché: an e-card.

The misguided logic: she’ll get it right away!

No. No. Nonononononononono… sigh. If you can’t fork over $3.99 for a little bit of Hallmark, you’re a bloody twit who will forever been known as the boy who sent an e-card on Valentine’s. If you want to be 21st century about it try this:

Take a picture of yourself holding up a sign that says “be mine” or something cutesy. Send it by email or SMS. Better than puppies and cartoon hearts. Trust.

The cliché: buying her sexy lingerie.

The misguided logic: if the store is selling garter belts and feather boas, it’s because somebody wears it right?

Wrong. Like roses, I’ve yet to meet a single woman who enjoys wearing the “sexy” (read: uncomfortable) synthetic shit that La Senza’s been selling in the front window this week; this is a really risky move if you don’t know her size. If you REALLY want to see her in something sexy:

Hint at it. Well before Valentine’s day…talk about how sexy she looked when she wore that red bra and panty set that one time. Remember how we women remember everything you say? Yeah, she’ll remember.

The cliché: candy

The misguided logic: she’s always eating sweets…

BOOOOORING. She can get candy any day of the year. She can get it from a vending machine. She can get it from the bottom of her bag, she can get it the corner store. Try this instead:

Cupcakes. Two cupcakes are probably cheaper and look a lot nicer.

The cliché: I’m broke. I have no money for expensive gifts.

The misguided logic: I’ll pretend to stage a fight or “forget” the day entirely and then make it up to her when I have cash.

Grrrrr. This has happened to me. It was not good. If you fuck up romance on the most sacred of romantic days (well, it IS) you’ve done damage. Tell her the truth: if you really wanted to get her something but payday is next Friday…send her an email, the SMS self portrait, send her an I O U…something! If this is a true relationship, let her know the situation and she’ll adore you more for the effort.

 The cliché: asking for sex beyond the vanilla

The misguided logic: hey, isn’t that what Valentine’s Day is for?

No. Like lingerie, this is best asked for a few weeks in advance, so that she can psych herself up for it and decide whether or not she wants to do it. Same applies to homemade porn. This day is about romance, not tossed salads. But if you REALLY want to have your salad tossed tonight, please read this primer from Max Fab first.

The cliché: something expensive that the sales clerk said she’d love.

The misguided logic: I have 3 hours before the mall closes and fuck it, it’s expensive.

Unless she’s a grade A gold digger, that expensive present that she may not have wanted in the first place will just gather dust in the back of the closet, only to be sold if you break up, or mysteriously lost when she moves. I once got an expensive (and heavy) piece of glass…etched with lines from different love songs. It looked like a tombstone.

I hated it.

The cliché: the one size fits all present

The misguided logic: my boy did it for his girl, so women must like it…right?

Wrong. That expensive piece of glass he got? He bought it because one of his buddies had one made for his girl.

A: I’m not a Valentines Day kind of girl.

B: I’ve never been that romantic.

C: just because I said “oh, that’s so sweet!” it doesn’t mean I want one too…how do we say it on Twitter? oh yeah #FAIL

Okay, that’s a few ideas. If you’re really stuck tweet me and I’ll help you out.

Good luck…

p.s. grocery store or flowers from the side of the road? No. No no no no no…

 p.p.s my best friend’s husband joked that he could kill two birds with one stone today since it’s Lunar New Year…again. No no no no…

p.p.p.s. if you feel like this is the end of the relationship and you wanted to break up with her but haven’t. You better stick it out until March. Do not dump her today or you’re an asshole.

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